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Publisher's Summary

Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner?  

Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships.  

Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides nonmonogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory. 

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

©2020 Jessica Fern (P)2020 Thorntree Press

What listeners say about Polysecure

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amazing, 7 STARS

I've read attachment books and most of them are not only extremely mononormative but also lack awareness around Traumas . Jessica acknowledges the impact of the different types of trauma on your attachment style very well. tge only think I found that was missing was considering the impact of mental disability or mental health on attachment style which I think also plays a part.

I absolutely love the emphasis she puts on becoming secure in your relationship with yourself. which is rarely talked about in attachment theory. I also ike that she added Questions to Consider as well as practical applications of each topic.

over all I love this book and will definitely be reading it again.

3 people found this helpful

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    3 out of 5 stars

Great book, disappointing PDF

I loved listening to this book. However, only having the reflection questions in audio form makes completing the exercises in this book (and gaining the full benefit of this resource) very difficult. I tried making a bookmark each time reflection questions came up, but that proved to be impractical. I decided, surely, a printed form of the questions should be available with my audiobook purchase. Sadly, the PDF only has diagrams and footnotes that did not add value to my experience of the book.

1 person found this helpful

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Genuinely one of the best books I could recommend,

even if you're not polyamorous or open in any way. I'd learned about attachment theory, but turns out I only scratched the surface of what I could learn and how much I could improve. I'm so so grateful for this book, and everyone who recommended it for years before I finally read it.

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Fantastically helpful

I wish I'd read this a decade ago and I'll read it over again at least once. I recommend it to absolutely anyone who wants to understand themselves and their relationships better, whether or not they're poly.

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Highly recommend

Polysecure offers the most comprehensive, nuanced and accessible account of attachment theory and attachment styles I have encountered. I recommend the first 3 chapters to anyone looking to understand and improve their relationships, romantic or otherwise.
The account of approaches to challenges navigating poly and the account of navigating attachment repair are equally sensitive and effective.
As a wellbeing expert, resilience researcher and accredited embodiment coach, I have encountered a lot of writing on the themes Jessica covers… this account is tops in my book.

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Insightful

I was expecting just another book on attachment theory, but this was refreshingly insightful as someone who practices polyamory. I highly recommend this to anyone seeking to have better, more secure relationships with THEMSELVES and others.

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Should be essential reading for every human

Incredible book about attachment styles and how to engage in healthy secure relationships with others and yourself. Looks at dealing with trauma, insecurities rooted in childhood all while being very honest, human and to the point about how hard that work can be.
So accessible and a book for everyone. Not just people interested in or seeking to become polyamorous!
“As we heal our past we open up new possibilities for our future.”
SO GOOD!

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Life changing book

I have been having issues in my romantic relationship and a friend recommended this book to me. How she talks about attachment theory was amazing and laid it out without judgements. I learned a lot about why I behave the way I do, how it has effecting my relationships, and how to go about making positive changes. And then there's the whole part about CNM which was very enlightening. It reduced a lot of the fears I've had about the subject while giving me a clearer idea of potential issues and how to work through them. I would recommend this book to anyone wanting to gain a better understanding of their relationship insecurities or if they are curious about CNM.

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Wonderful and edifying

This book provided the invaluable language and frameworks that I have been seeking. It is clear, helpful and immediately applicable, I definitely recommend for both monogamous and polyamorous people.

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A great listen to those who need a clear lens

Awesome read as I’ve come to terms with my choices. Very descriptive to the detachment and trauma conclusions. All about good healing.

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  • shwiftyone
  • 2021-03-29

Insanely boring, poor audio quality & narration

After listening to More than two, I expected this might be equally useful to listen to, but dear god it is boring! It reads like a text book lecture on the forms of attachment, which is good information I'm sure, however it is so much for so long that it's just hard to listen to, especially when the narration is TERRIBLE! She will break off mid sentence and pop back on very often, where it is clear a mistake was made and rather than re-doing the line, she will punch in where she messed up creating weird and jarring audio with fade in and out effects in the middle of what she's saying, and they are constant! I am 4 or 5 chapters in and she STILL hasn't moved past explaining attachment styles in her dry, clinical, bored professor lecturing way. I'm sure it has great information in it somewhere, but I'm noping out, just cannot listen to another minute of this.

12 people found this helpful

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  • Lauren
  • 2021-03-02

Finally a book for those who struggle!

Being new to really opening up and giving poly a shot, this book was what I needed and wanted in emotional support and guidance. Reading the "Ethical Slut," "Sex at Dawn," and "More than Two," left me feeling intellectually, and even spiritually, on board with the concept of Polyamory. However, the books also left me feeling inept, small, insecure, and frustrated, in the emotional struggles that have followed. "Polysecure" takes the fundamentals of attachment theory and helps apply them to polyamory so people can still achieve securely attached relationships in a nurturing, conscious and healthy way. I really appreciate the way the author approaches the topic with compassion and with gentleness. She does a wonderful job at not pathologizing what would be classified as an "insecure" attachment style. Hearing how and why different attachment styles develop helped me gain self awareness, acceptance, and compassion instead of feeling shame and embarrassment for instances of less than "secure" behavior. She also highlights that polyamory is inherently a path into uncertainty, and naturally, going to be triggering at times. Just hearing this admitted was just a breath of fresh air and a relief. Not only was the information in the book sensitive and supportive, having the narration done by the author really captures her warmth and care. After reading the book, I feel like I have the tools, support, and self compassion to start moving forward with the emotional side of the journey in a way that is healthy and patient with myself and others.

10 people found this helpful

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  • Todd
  • 2020-12-02

Seemed Poly and Mono Relationships Very Similar

The book called out there was a big difference between monogamous and poly relationships but most of the advice was very similar to what you would give to someone in a monogamous relationship. Focus on yourself, understand your attachment issues, be a better partner. With poly relationships there are more partners granted, but the advice seemed very similar.

7 people found this helpful

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  • ssteussy
  • 2020-12-21

A must-read for CNM persons

Amazing how long it has taken for a book like this to be written. Polysecure is a perfect accompaniment to “Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” (which itself is a great substitution for “More Than Two” following the accusations against Veaux).

Fern takes a compassionate approach to CNM and all the attachment styles, providing guidance for navigating the issues that arise. I also feel like I understand attachment theory a lot better.

Planning on reading several times. Thank you so much, Jessica Fern.

5 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 2021-01-04

Recommend for anyone in any type of relationship!

This content is so rich an helpful in understanding the self and the partner(s). As a psychotherapist, I read this to better support my clients in consensual non-monogamous relationships. Jessica Fern did a wonderful job talking about attachment and how to apply practices to the self and various relationships.

2 people found this helpful

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  • Nathan
  • 2020-12-30

Great Starting Point

Fantastic resource for more than just people practicing consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). I was enamored by the structure of the book. Starting with a glossary, the author then gives you a brief outline of what you will read, starting with foundational principles (in this case attachment theory), then how they relate to CNM, finally moving to strategies on how to apply those to your interpersonal relationships. The author will then make references to previous sections or inform you when this particular topic will surface again.

While focusing on CNM, this book has something for people of many different relationship styles. The first third of the book is about attachment theory mostly devoid of any CNM context, and the principles presented could easily be applied to a monogamous relationship or platonic friendship.

The author doesn't present the book as the be-all and end-all; repeatedly stating that research is severely lacking in this area. The author will frequently list other books and resources to continue your learning. This book seems meant to be a start, not an end, to growth in creating secure attachments with one's self and others.

2 people found this helpful

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  • Elder Keithulhu
  • 2020-12-10

Alt title: Confronting Complex Trauma for Dummies

The book introduces an overview of attatchment styles and the way our trauma-informed brains apply the styles from our development throughout pur lives and future relationships. It is full of wonderful general relationship and communication advice, and details specifically how people who are nonmonogamous can work to serve the relationship partners' as well as their own needs, hopes, and desires.

2 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
  • Andrew h.
  • 2020-12-01

attachment style defined!

loved it! the first the few chapters on attachment style were eye opening! so good!

2 people found this helpful

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  • Xenas36
  • 2022-05-02

Reference book for life!

Perfect book for anyone working on bettering themselves regardless of what type of lifestyle they practice. Have a notebook and pen ready to take some notes. Beautiful book!

1 person found this helpful

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  • Laura
  • 2020-12-07

Awesome

I've never read a book about attachment so thoroughly clear, affirming and non shaming. Very very good.

1 person found this helpful