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Polysecure

Written by: Jessica Fern
Narrated by: Jessica Fern,Eve Rickert,Nora Samaran
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Publisher's Summary

Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner?  

Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships.  

Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides nonmonogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory. 

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

©2020 Jessica Fern (P)2020 Thornapple Press

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amazing, 7 STARS

I've read attachment books and most of them are not only extremely mononormative but also lack awareness around Traumas . Jessica acknowledges the impact of the different types of trauma on your attachment style very well. tge only think I found that was missing was considering the impact of mental disability or mental health on attachment style which I think also plays a part.

I absolutely love the emphasis she puts on becoming secure in your relationship with yourself. which is rarely talked about in attachment theory. I also ike that she added Questions to Consider as well as practical applications of each topic.

over all I love this book and will definitely be reading it again.

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WOW

What a wonderful listen for anyone experimenting with Poly, AND folks who plan to stay monogamous. Fantastic principles that can and should be used regardless of relationship. The narration was superb. Will be recommending to anyone who will listen, haha

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Fantastically helpful

I wish I'd read this a decade ago and I'll read it over again at least once. I recommend it to absolutely anyone who wants to understand themselves and their relationships better, whether or not they're poly.

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    3 out of 5 stars

Great book, disappointing PDF

I loved listening to this book. However, only having the reflection questions in audio form makes completing the exercises in this book (and gaining the full benefit of this resource) very difficult. I tried making a bookmark each time reflection questions came up, but that proved to be impractical. I decided, surely, a printed form of the questions should be available with my audiobook purchase. Sadly, the PDF only has diagrams and footnotes that did not add value to my experience of the book.

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Genuinely one of the best books I could recommend,

even if you're not polyamorous or open in any way. I'd learned about attachment theory, but turns out I only scratched the surface of what I could learn and how much I could improve. I'm so so grateful for this book, and everyone who recommended it for years before I finally read it.

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Better Books

I stopped listening when it was apparent that while the author had some knowledge about the topic they also had a lot of misinformation about polyamory included. After 10 years of poly relationships I have read much more knowledgeable authors on the subject.

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  • jk
  • 2023-05-10

Helpful to ALL relationships…

…including those with ourselves. A+ for the section on attachment theories and especially to chapter 9 about self. Between these, wonderful insights that can benefit every kind of relationship.

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loved this book

A very well informed book!
I enjoyed all the information provided.
I look forward to the next

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One of the best books for poly folks

Do yourself a favour and take in this book.

It’s given me so much to reflect on, to work through and to address within myself and my relationships.

I heard about this book through an ENM podcast, Normalizing Non Monogamy, and I’m so happy I did!

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Pleasantly surprised

Thank you :)
This was incredibly helpful.
Chapters on trauma and attachment will help me in more ways then I could have realized.
Thank you again✌️

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  • shwiftyone
  • 2021-03-29

Insanely boring, poor audio quality & narration

After listening to More than two, I expected this might be equally useful to listen to, but dear god it is boring! It reads like a text book lecture on the forms of attachment, which is good information I'm sure, however it is so much for so long that it's just hard to listen to, especially when the narration is TERRIBLE! She will break off mid sentence and pop back on very often, where it is clear a mistake was made and rather than re-doing the line, she will punch in where she messed up creating weird and jarring audio with fade in and out effects in the middle of what she's saying, and they are constant! I am 4 or 5 chapters in and she STILL hasn't moved past explaining attachment styles in her dry, clinical, bored professor lecturing way. I'm sure it has great information in it somewhere, but I'm noping out, just cannot listen to another minute of this.

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  • Lauren
  • 2021-03-02

Finally a book for those who struggle!

Being new to really opening up and giving poly a shot, this book was what I needed and wanted in emotional support and guidance. Reading the "Ethical Slut," "Sex at Dawn," and "More than Two," left me feeling intellectually, and even spiritually, on board with the concept of Polyamory. However, the books also left me feeling inept, small, insecure, and frustrated, in the emotional struggles that have followed. "Polysecure" takes the fundamentals of attachment theory and helps apply them to polyamory so people can still achieve securely attached relationships in a nurturing, conscious and healthy way. I really appreciate the way the author approaches the topic with compassion and with gentleness. She does a wonderful job at not pathologizing what would be classified as an "insecure" attachment style. Hearing how and why different attachment styles develop helped me gain self awareness, acceptance, and compassion instead of feeling shame and embarrassment for instances of less than "secure" behavior. She also highlights that polyamory is inherently a path into uncertainty, and naturally, going to be triggering at times. Just hearing this admitted was just a breath of fresh air and a relief. Not only was the information in the book sensitive and supportive, having the narration done by the author really captures her warmth and care. After reading the book, I feel like I have the tools, support, and self compassion to start moving forward with the emotional side of the journey in a way that is healthy and patient with myself and others.

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  • Todd
  • 2020-12-02

Seemed Poly and Mono Relationships Very Similar

The book called out there was a big difference between monogamous and poly relationships but most of the advice was very similar to what you would give to someone in a monogamous relationship. Focus on yourself, understand your attachment issues, be a better partner. With poly relationships there are more partners granted, but the advice seemed very similar.

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  • ssteussy
  • 2020-12-21

A must-read for CNM persons

Amazing how long it has taken for a book like this to be written. Polysecure is a perfect accompaniment to “Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” (which itself is a great substitution for “More Than Two” following the accusations against Veaux).

Fern takes a compassionate approach to CNM and all the attachment styles, providing guidance for navigating the issues that arise. I also feel like I understand attachment theory a lot better.

Planning on reading several times. Thank you so much, Jessica Fern.

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  • Krich
  • 2021-01-04

Recommend for anyone in any type of relationship!

This content is so rich an helpful in understanding the self and the partner(s). As a psychotherapist, I read this to better support my clients in consensual non-monogamous relationships. Jessica Fern did a wonderful job talking about attachment and how to apply practices to the self and various relationships.

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  • Nathan
  • 2020-12-30

Great Starting Point

Fantastic resource for more than just people practicing consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). I was enamored by the structure of the book. Starting with a glossary, the author then gives you a brief outline of what you will read, starting with foundational principles (in this case attachment theory), then how they relate to CNM, finally moving to strategies on how to apply those to your interpersonal relationships. The author will then make references to previous sections or inform you when this particular topic will surface again.

While focusing on CNM, this book has something for people of many different relationship styles. The first third of the book is about attachment theory mostly devoid of any CNM context, and the principles presented could easily be applied to a monogamous relationship or platonic friendship.

The author doesn't present the book as the be-all and end-all; repeatedly stating that research is severely lacking in this area. The author will frequently list other books and resources to continue your learning. This book seems meant to be a start, not an end, to growth in creating secure attachments with one's self and others.

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  • Andrew h.
  • 2020-12-01

attachment style defined!

loved it! the first the few chapters on attachment style were eye opening! so good!

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  • Elder Keithulhu
  • 2020-12-10

Alt title: Confronting Complex Trauma for Dummies

The book introduces an overview of attatchment styles and the way our trauma-informed brains apply the styles from our development throughout pur lives and future relationships. It is full of wonderful general relationship and communication advice, and details specifically how people who are nonmonogamous can work to serve the relationship partners' as well as their own needs, hopes, and desires.

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  • Laura
  • 2020-12-07

Awesome

I've never read a book about attachment so thoroughly clear, affirming and non shaming. Very very good.

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  • Xenas36
  • 2022-05-02

Not just for Poly!

This book helps you take a deep look into one’s own sovereignty and emotional well-being. It’s time to see jealousy for what it really is, fear. She delivers it in the most loving way. So happy I found this book!

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2 people found this helpful