This is part 2 of "Your Child Is Not Your Co-Parent". Ryan and Mike continue examining why popular “gentle” and heavy emotional-validation parenting approaches often backfire for kids with ADHD. They break down the research, explain the leadership needs of ADHD brains, and outline why overtalking, overprocessing, and overnegotiating increase dysregulation rather than calming it.

Find Mike @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.grownowadhd.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ & on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠IG⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
Find Ryan @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.adhddude.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ & on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Youtube⁠⁠⁠

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[00:00:00] Start
[00:00:46] Rise of emotional-validation parenting
[00:01:58] Why emotional processing overwhelms ADHD brains
[00:02:48] ADHD kids’ need for clear leadership and hierarchy
[00:05:20] How “armchair therapy” increases dysregulation
[00:07:07] Why too much talking makes tasks feel bigger
[00:08:29] Non-hierarchical relationships and rising anxiety
[00:10:08] Impact of inconsistent leadership
[00:12:26] Comfort-zone parenting and avoidance
[00:13:58] The “four D’s” and building flexibility
[00:15:48] How avoidance worsens anxiety and rigidity
[00:17:13] How guidance—not rescue—builds confidence
[00:18:16] Three core takeaways for ADHD parents

Citations:

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.

Chronis-Tuscano, A., et al. (2011). Parenting behavior and child conduct problems in children with ADHD. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 40(1), 44–57.

Evans, S. W., Owens, J. S., & Bunford, N. (2014). Evidence based psychosocial treatments for children and adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 43(4), 527–551.

Johnston, C., & Mash, E. J. (2001). Families of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 30(4), 479–495.

Ma, I., van Duijvenvoorde, A. C. K., & Scheres, A. (2020). Cognitive rigidity in ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 24(5), 707–718.

Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11(1), 1–19.

In this first half of a two-part episode, Ryan and Mike break down why many modern parenting approaches—especially those centered on constant negotiation and seeking a child’s input for every decision—backfire for kids with ADHD. They outline how clear leadership, predictable structure, and authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting create emotional safety, reduce conflict, and support executive functioning.

Find Mike @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.grownowadhd.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ & on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠IG⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
Find Ryan @ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.adhddude.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ & on ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Youtube⁠⁠⁠

{{chapters}}
[00:00:00] Start
[00:00:41] What “co-parenting” your child means
[00:03:14] Authoritative parenting overview
[00:04:13] Research: structure supports regulation
[00:07:42] Research: clarity improves social functioning
[00:09:40] Routines, EF, and independence
[00:12:00] Why negotiation backfires
[00:16:10] Cognitive rigidity & too many choices
[00:19:00] Inconsistent expectations worsen symptoms

Citations:

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.

Chronis-Tuscano, A., et al. (2011). Parenting behavior and child conduct problems in children with ADHD. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 40(1), 44–57.

Evans, S. W., Owens, J. S., & Bunford, N. (2014). Evidence based psychosocial treatments for children and adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 43(4), 527–551.

Johnston, C., & Mash, E. J. (2001). Families of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 30(4), 479–495.

Ma, I., van Duijvenvoorde, A. C. K., & Scheres, A. (2020). Cognitive rigidity in ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 24(5), 707–718.

Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11(1), 1–19.

Today's episode is a re-release of episode 23. I wanted to bring this episode back because it gets to the core of what Mike and I are always trying to teach: helping kids with ADHD move from dependence to independence. This conversation started with a powerful listener comment about how “doing everything out of love” can actually leave kids feeling helpless and incapable. That story stuck with me—it perfectly illustrates what happens when empathy turns into over-accommodation.

In this episode, Mike and I talk about why confidence comes from experience, not protection, and how kids only build real executive functioning skills when they’re trusted to try, fail, and try again. We also dig into why too much therapy, too much prompting, and too much hovering can actually hold kids back.

We decided to re-release it now because this message matters more than ever. If you’ve ever wondered how to balance empathy with accountability—or how to stop “lovingly disabling” your child—this is the episode to revisit.