The Growing Up Years: Ages Birth to 20

When a man is in his teenage years, people with good intentions will ask, “What are your plans for the future?” Fewer than 10% of us have a real plan at that age, but we make one up so that we don’t disappoint those who believe in us.

I tell teenage boys the truth when I sense they are feeling adrift. “It is rare to know at your age what you want to do with your life, but people will often ask you as though you are supposed to know. But the real truth is this: If you have your head completely out of your ass by the time you are 30, you are way ahead of the game.”

The Education Years: Ages 20 to 30

Regulated careers – engineer, lawyer, doctor – require a young man with a plan. The rest of us just bumble along and learn from our mistakes.

People assume that a man who “plans his work and works his plan” is more disciplined and has a higher I.Q. than those of us who bumble. But I believe it is better to aim your temperament than try and change it.

Planners prefer structure. Bumblers prefer adventure. This doesn’t mean Bumblers are less visionary, less disciplined, less committed, or less intelligent. They just prefer to improvise, innovate, and impress, rather than plan, schedule, and execute.

Planners tend to become professionals. Bumblers tend to become business owners, tradesmen, salespeople, consultants, worker bees, or bums.

As of January 2024, there were 1,100,101 physicians in America. The average primary care doctor in America makes $265,000 a year. Specialists make an average of $382,000, which is about the same annual income as the owner of a modestly successful plumbing or air conditioning company with fewer than 10 employees.

In January of 2023, there were 1,331,290 lawyers in America earning an average annual income of $100,626 a year. Lawyers in the 75th percentile make about $103,000. Top earners make an average of $131,000, which is about the same as a modestly successful salesperson working for a local TV or radio station.

Like I said, a man’s path forward has more to do with temperament than anything else. To force a man to behave outside his temperament is cruel and unusual punishment.

The Acquisition Years: Ages 30 to 40

For most men, the years between 30 and 40 are about gaining experience and status and possessions as we quietly struggle and claw our way upward. Adrenaline is our drug of choice. Conspiracy theories, video games, sports betting, fishing boats, sports cars and motorcycles provide us a way of escape. These are the years when onlookers say, “The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.”

But in spite of our visible successes, we cannot quiet the inner voice that whispers, “If other people knew you the way that I know you, they would know what a phony you are.”

It is no coincidence that Henry David Thoreau was just over 30 when wrote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

The saddest of all men stay in toy-gathering mode for the rest of their lives, wanting only to make more money and a bigger name for themselves. When such a man reaches 60 and looks back at his 30th birthday, he hasn’t really gained 30 years of experience. He has had one year’s experience 30 times. But he doesn’t know how to do anything else.

Having never discovered his soul, he goes to his grave with his song still in him.

The Elevation Years: Ages 40 to 50

For about 80 percent of American men, the decade beween 40 and 50 is when we will make our mark on the world. The big leaps forward, the fingerprints we leave behind, the stories that will be told when we are gone, usually happen between our 40th and 50th birthdays.

These are the years when we begin to see clearly.

These are the years when we make fewer mistakes.

These are the years when we suck the juice from all of our...

To Hollister and Gideon,

You have arrived at that age when everyone you meet will ask you about your plans for the future. I am older, happier, and probably more successful than those people, so ignore them. Listen to me.

Knowledge is important, but experience is what really matters. School can give you knowledge, but it cannot give you experience.

Experience is the name we give to our mistakes.

Success is simply a matter of surviving your mistakes. But first you have to make them. So take chances. Feel the pain of disappointment. Then pull yourself together.

Avoid the mistakes that are bigger than you.

1. Don’t die.
2. Don’t create a baby until you’re ready.
3. Don’t go to prison.

Those mistakes are hard to undo.

Surviving all your other mistakes will require nothing more than financial and emotional “staying power.”

Financial staying power isn’t measured by how much money you have. In fact, an abundance of cash will tempt you to calculate your burn rate. You will say, “At my current rate of spending, I can last until such-and-such a date before I run out of money.”

When you calculate your burn rate, you create an unconscious plan. You have looked into the future and seen yourself collapsing in defeat on that day. Personally, I have never known anyone who succeeded after calculating their burn rate. They imagined running out of money, and then they did.

I knew they had calculated their burn rate because everywhere they went, they said, “I have to be profitable by such-and-such a date or I will run out of money.”

Boys, no matter how much money you have, you can run out of money. True financial staying power isn’t measured by how much money you have; it’s measured by how little money you need to stay in the game. The secret is to keep your monthly obligations so low that it takes very little to cover your living expenses.

The most successful of my Wizard of Ads partners kept their jobs until they were making enough money as my partner that they could afford to walk away from their previous employment. Some of the others were lucky enough to have a life partner who made enough money to cover all the monthly expenses of the household. The partners who struggled in the early days were the ones who had significant monthly expenses and a lot of money in the bank. These were the ones who calculated their burn rate and then slowly began to panic as they saw that money disappear month after month.

Financial staying power is easy. Live modestly. Don’t owe money.

Emotional staying power is what makes you successful. It gives you the ability to fail without thinking of yourself as a failure. So take chances. Feel the pain of disappointment, then pull yourself together, like I said.

Failure, like success, is a temporary condition.

You are going to need encouragers. I have your MeMaw and the encouragement of God that I find in my Bible.

Mistakes are inevitable. Don’t fear mistakes.

Encourage people. Be slow to offer advice, but quick to offer encouragement. Tell people what you admire about them. No one likes a flatterer, but if you speak the truth, they will hear it as the truth.

Marry your best friend. You will know they are your best friend when you look forward to being with that person, even when you are not imagining them naked. Pennie – your MeMaw – believes in me more than I believe in me. I have asked God to give each of you a life partner like that.

I am not the only person who thinks these things. On May 1, 2024, Jason Fried wrote,

“Occasionally a 17-year-old will write, asking for entrepreneurial or business advice. Oftentimes they’re early bloomers and already have something going on. Others are chomping at the bit once they get out of high school. It’s great to hear from them. But my advice is generally that they don’t need advice. You don’t need...

“Telling the truth more powerfully than is completely accurate” is to think and speak of a future event as though it has already happened. Some people call this “manifesting,” but I am uncomfortable with that word because it conjures the image of a person literally speaking things into existence, an ability that I believe is God’s alone.

Yes, I am of that ancient belief that the Big Bang began when God said, “Let there be…”

Although I reject the idea of “manifesting,” I do believe in visioncasting, which I define as the encouragement of others by speaking of a possible future as though it is certain to happen.

When a person needs courage and confidence, give them yours. Tell them of the future that you see for them.

I meet every Friday for a luxurious lunch with 5 friends, most of whom are over 60. Recently, after 3 hours of conversation around a large, circular table, we fell into a silence as each one of us took a sip of wine, or contemplated what had just been said, or looked at the menu for additional things to order. I looked up when I heard a voice say, “Who put it into your head that you could do the things you’ve done?”

The friend who had spoken was looking directly at me. Reading the confusion in my eyes, he began to list a number of things that I take completely for granted. Remembering that his question had been, “Who put it into your head?” I told him the truth: “My Mother.”

I was suddenly looking into 5 surprised pairs of eyes, and I was surprised that they were surprised.

The awkward silence that followed made me realize they were waiting for me to continue, so I said, “Whenever I told my mother that I couldn’t do something, she would always say, ‘Of course you can.’ And then I would do it. I can’t remember her ever saying, ‘Well, just do your best,’ and she never once did something for me that she believed I could do for myself. She would just look at me patiently and say with complete conviction, ‘Of course you can.'”

My friends kept staring at me in silence. I wasn’t sure what was happening. Finally, the friend who had asked the question looked into my eyes and said, “What a gift!” The others began nodding their heads as they repeated, “What a gift.”

I had the good sense to shut up and listen.

For the next half hour, I listened as each one of them told stories of their childhood that made me understand their admiration for my Mother.

Those thirty minutes connected a lifetime of dots for me. Throughout my adult life, I have been embarrassed by people who have asked me questions about my supposed courage, or audacity, or vision, of some other such fiddle-faddle. I was never sure how to respond to those people because I know for certain that I do not possess those qualities.

I have somehow successfully coasted through more than 65 years of life without a college education, happily married to the girl I have loved since I was 14 years old, because the two most important women in my life believe that while failure is inevitable, it is also a temporary condition, and in the end we will succeed, because, “Of course we can.”

Please listen to what I am about to tell you.

Give the gift of courage and confidence to the people you love. Tell them what you believe about them. Tell them what you see when you look into their future. The sentences you speak to them should begin with the words, “You are…” and “You will…”

They will see what you see, when you speak it.

Your words will change their thoughts and actions.

And they will live to see it happen.

Roy H. Williams