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Rules of Estrangement

Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

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Rules of Estrangement

Auteur(s): Joshua Coleman PhD
Narrateur(s): Fred Sanders
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À propos de cet audio

 A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.”—Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.

As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr. Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr. Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his forty years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.

While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child. Développement personnel Gestion des conflits Parents et enfants d’âge adulte Relations Réussite Éducation des enfants Santé mentale Adult Children Family Conflict
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I obtained this book because I am a psychotherapist who works with families doing “Intergenerational Family Facilitation”. I have encouraged my clients with estrangements to read/buy it because it is so very helpful. Listening to it has made me a better support and guide to them. Of that I am sure.

What I want my clients with Estranged Children to Hear

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My daughter has recently announced and has completely cut me off stating I am a gaslighting narcissist- I didn’t even know what e what gaslighting meant so looked it up and have now read 4 books on the same subject of estrangement. It has become clear she has been to a counsellor herself as her words are definitely the a part of her regular vocabulary. The first three books all focused in n the child, and what I think I see is that in this world of individualism parenting takes another kick in the teeth. I like many parents can say I definitely didn’t do everything right. But I also know in my heart I didn’t do everything wrong. It is extremely painful to have my child treat me this way. But I know who I am and what I am not. And her angry hateful words are not a reflection of who I am but rather the world we life in. It n fact I have spent my life doing everything for my family. Indeed after many months of research and thought on that his very painful reality, I have decided to take an about turn and stop focusing on the family and focus on myself. For all the nights I cared for her children, my grandchildren to having her now say I can’t even Ben be trusted around the kids, has made me realize she is aware of my weak spot, and that has been family as my own parents abandoned all six of my siblings and myself once we were in high school with r very soon after. So now their downfalls are what I am supposedly being punished for. But after much reflection and talks with close friends who have known me longer than my kids I realize I genuinely did the absolute best I could, and I am not going to spend my golden years also trapped in another hell because my daughter has declared me a gaslighting narcissist. I am a good person, I love my family and close friends deeply, but I will not play into her mind games. If she doesn’t want me in her life. I will miss her deeply. But I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and will carry on with my life. And I can’t follow all the advice in this book, only in that I have decided to carry on with my life. I am not going to grovel, when grovelling is not due nor justified. It does have breed though make me sad.

A little ok at both the adult child & parents perspective

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This book is not only for parents suffering from parental alienation. It provides insight to the next generation of children we are raising. Dr. Coleman’s compassion for the alienated parents is palpable throughout this book.

Critical read for all parents.

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This book brought to light so many points that I had not considered. It gave me hope. It taught me what to accept and what not to accept. It helped me understand the possible “whys” and gave me a calmer perspective. It reminded me of my own value. It taught me how to continue loving my adult child in this estranged circumstance. Thank you.

Incredibly helpful and insightful

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I've been through hell for three years, done a lot of research and can say this is absolutely the best advice ever! All therapists need to understand this generational divide and how narcissism plays out in families in general. I finally now completely understand what is going with my child and "the cult of one". Hopefully I'm not too late to employ these tactics since my own foolishness, lack of understanding and poor advise has lead me to do everything wrong in handling this nightmare. But I'm going to write the letter and pray! 🙏🙏🙏

The best advice ever

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Audible is excellent! This read re Estrangement….hits hard… 100% full of reality…. And seriously hard to take in at times…many thanks to the Dr…

Excellent

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Brilliant treatment of the topic by the author. Compassionately looks at the perspectives of both adult child and estranged parent/grandparent/sibling. Coleman places the matter into social, cultural and even historical context, and accessibly offers strategies for addressing estrangement. He says hard things that parents need to hear. Well narrated too.

Brilliant

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This was very insightful and comforting. I suggest parents and children should read. I do believe it’s an epidemic

Great thoughts

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This book leaves you feeling like you are supposed to eat shit sandwiches . You don’t need to be abused and sit and take it. We all have stories, setting boundaries in a healthy way is OK! It is hard, but having an open conversation with out wanting to win, just understand each other .

Ditch this book…

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