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027. Stopping the Urge To Explain How To Love You

027. Stopping the Urge To Explain How To Love You

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 So many childhood trauma survivors carry the same belief: If I explain myself clearly enough, they will finally love me the right way. In this episode, I break down why this belief keeps you stuck in relationships where you work far harder for safety than the other person ever will. This is not a communication problem. It is a capacity problem. You cannot talk someone into being safe. You cannot use explanation, vulnerability, or emotional labor to create secure attachment in another human being. We explore the trauma pattern underneath repeated explaining, including: • A protest from younger Parts longing to be understood • A reenactment of childhood where love was unpredictable • A desire to repair what was missing • A fixation that love is earned through effort, clarity, or emotional performance You will learn how to read the real signal: If you have to teach someone how to offer basic respect, that is information about the relationship itself. It is not a sign that you need to communicate better. Inside the episode, we talk through the key Self Leadership move that changes everything: Stop explaining. Start observing. See who they are without your coaching. You will also hear what the dream outcome looks like in practice. You choose relationships where you do not need to narrate your worth. You choose people who treat you with care, consistency, and genuine prioritization without being taught how. This episode will help you interrupt over-explaining, reclaim your power, and recognize when a relationship is not aligned with the safety you require to thrive. 🗓 Join the CPTSD Resolution 101 Weekend Workshop Live on Zoom. If you have the time and the money for your healing but no real plan, this workshop is for you. Over four live sessions, I teach "The Map" for a two-year "had CPTSD" journey so you can stop improvising and start following a diagnosis-based plan that actually makes sense. You will leave with clear direction, practical next steps, and the confidence to move forward with purpose. → Save your seat at cptsdmedicine.com/weekendworkshop HELP WITH HEALING CPTSD Can't stop fighting in your relationship? → Follow the Fight Smarter Field Guide — a self-guided learning experience to understand your conflict patterns and practice responses that lead to repair, not regret. https://cptsdmedicine.com/the-fight-smarter-field-guide In a relationship, but wondering if you should leave? → Begin the Red Flag Learning Path to recognize trauma-driven patterns and rebuild your inner compass toward love that doesn't hurt. https://cptsdmedicine.com/red-flag-checklist Just been broken up with and need answers to feel sane again? → Explore the "Why Is This Happening to Me?" Study for clarity, validation, and grounded relief after heartbreak. https://cptsdmedicine.com/why-is-this-happening Thinking your career is hurting your love life? → Start the Overachiever's Audit Study — a 10-minute self-reflection to see where achievement has become protection and how it may be blocking intimacy. https://cptsdmedicine.com/overachievers-audit Work With Tanner 1:1 - https://cptsdmedicine.com/services If this episode resonates and you're ready to heal your CPTSD at the root, learn more about Happily Ever After. About Dr. Tanner Wallace Dr. Tanner Wallace is a childhood trauma survivor, former university professor, and Level 3 Internal Family Systems Practitioner who specializes in CPTSD Resolution. She founded CPTSD Medicine to offer applied mental health training for high-achieving adults who want a clear, structured path to heal trauma at the root and stop repeating painful relationship patterns. About the Heal First Then Pick Your Life Partner Podcast Heal First Then Pick Your Life Partner is a podcast for look-good-on-paper adults with unresolved CPTSD, anxious attachment, or repeated relationship pain. If you look confident on the outside but feel overwhelmed, confused, or ashamed by the patterns you cannot break, this podcast teaches you why. Each episode breaks down how trauma shapes your relationship choices, and offers practical, research-informed steps to heal at the root. Learn how to stop trauma-driven reactions, understand emotional flashbacks, build secure attachment, create healthier relationships, and finally feel safe inside your own system. Hosted by Dr. Tanner Wallace, PhD in Education and Level 3 Internal Family Systems practitioner, this podcast provides applied mental health training for adults who want clarity, stability, and a structured path to CPTSD Resolution. If you want to heal deeply, choose partners wisely, and build a life that feels secure and aligned, you are in the right place.
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