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If you’ve ever found yourself in a power struggle with your child and wondered, How did we get here again?—this episode is for you.

Escalation rarely starts with the “big” behavior. It often begins with something small: a transition, a request, a tone, a moment of disappointment. And suddenly, both you and your child are overwhelmed.

In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers explains a core nervous-system truth that changes how we understand these moments:
the brain cannot learn when it doesn’t feel safe.

We’ll talk about what’s actually happening in your child’s brain during escalation, the difference between survival mode and the thinking brain, and why reasoning, consequences, and lectures often make things worse in the heat of the moment. You’ll also hear why validation is not “giving in,” and how safety and structure can exist at the same time.

This conversation is about reducing power struggles, protecting emotional safety, and helping kids access the skills you know they have—once their nervous system is calm enough to use them.

If parenting feels like a series of escalating moments you can’t seem to stop, this episode offers a different starting point.

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Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.

The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.

If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

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Parents of neurodivergent kids hear it all the time:
“They know better.”

And when the behavior keeps happening, that phrase quietly turns into blame—toward the child or toward the parent.

In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers unpacks why knowing what to do isn’t the same as being able to do it, especially for neurodivergent kids whose executive functioning skills are still developing.

We’ll talk about the difference between knowledge and capacity, how stress and overwhelm make skills go offline, and why reminders, lectures, and consequences so often fail to create real change. This conversation connects executive functioning, regulation, and everyday behavior in a way that helps parents respond with more accuracy and less frustration.

This episode builds on earlier conversations about meltdowns and nervous system overload and offers a more compassionate, science-based way to understand inconsistency—without lowering expectations or giving up on growth.

If you’ve ever wondered why your child can explain the rule perfectly but still struggles to follow it, this episode is for you.

Support the show

Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.

The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.

If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.

Send us a text

Meltdowns and tantrums often look similar on the outside—but what’s happening underneath is very different.

In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers explains why confusing meltdowns with tantrums leads to so much unnecessary blame, escalation, and exhaustion for parents of neurodivergent kids.

We’ll talk about what regulation actually means, why punishment doesn’t work during meltdowns, and how much common parenting advice unintentionally makes things harder. You’ll also hear one mindset shift that can change how you respond in these moments—without lowering expectations or giving up boundaries.

This episode isn’t about excusing behavior or finding quick fixes. It’s about understanding what your child’s nervous system is doing, so you can respond with more clarity and less self-blame.

If you’ve ever been told, “That’s just a tantrum,” and felt like that explanation didn’t fit, this conversation is for you.

Support the show

Beneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.

The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.

If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.