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Page de couverture de I have moved on, what about my children?

I have moved on, what about my children?

I have moved on, what about my children?

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 Episode DescriptionIn this deeply personal and thought-provoking episode, I respond to a listener question that cuts to the core of parenting after separation: Should a parent ever choose a romantic relationship over their child?Through lived experience, reflection, and emotional honesty, this episode explores the critical distinction between minor children and adult children, the necessity of healthy boundaries, and the often-unspoken damage caused by emotional enmeshment when adult children are placed inside a marriage.This conversation is not about choosing one relationship over another—it is about honoring the appropriate role, responsibility, and hierarchy of each relationship so that no one is harmed in the process.Key Themes & Takeaways1. Children Must Never Compete With a PartnerMinor children require unconditional presence, protection, and priority. Their emotional and developmental needs are non-negotiable. No romantic relationship should ever displace a parent’s responsibility to their minor child.This aligns with decades of attachment research showing that children require consistent emotional availability from caregivers to develop secure attachment (Bowlby, Ainsworth).2. Minor Children vs. Adult Children: A Necessary DistinctionA central message of this episode is that adult children and minor children have fundamentally different needs.Minor children require guidance, structure, and parental prioritization.Adult children deserve love, respect, and continued emotional support—but not authority over a parent’s marriage or life decisions.Family systems theory emphasizes that failure to recalibrate roles as children mature often leads to boundary confusion and relational dysfunction.Referenced Framework:Dr. Murray Bowen – Family Systems TheoryDifferentiation of selfHealthy generational boundaries Avoiding emotional triangles3. Emotional Enmeshment Is Not Healthy ParentingThis episode names a rarely discussed dynamic: when adult children are given access, influence, and authority that belongs exclusively to the marital relationship.Examples discussed include:Oversharing marital details with adult childrenAllowing adult children to regulate a marriageRequiring a spouse to compete for emotional legitimacyClinical psychologist Dr. Ken Adams, a leading authority on enmeshment, describes this dynamic as emotionally damaging to all parties involved, often masquerading as “closeness” or “loyalty.”4. Marriage Requires Protection, Privacy, and PartnershipHealthy marriages require:Emotional safetyPrivacyMutual decision-makingA unified “we” identityAccording to Dr. John Gottman, one of the strongest predictors of marital success is whether partners:Prioritize each other emotionallySet boundaries with outside relationships (including adult children)Present a united frontWhen marriages lack these protections, resentment, emotional exhaustion, and psychological distress often follow.5. Boundaries Are Not Rejection—They Are LoveThis episode challenges the belief that boundaries equal abandonment.Boundaries:Protect relationshipsClarify rolesPrevent resentmentSupport long-term connectionAs therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab teaches, boundaries are not about control—they are about self-respect and relational clarity.Research & Expert Voices That Corroborate This EpisodeJohn Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth – Attachment TheoryDr. Murray Bowen – Family Systems TheoryDr. John Gottman – Marital stability and emotional prioritizationDr. Ken Adams – Emotional enmeshment in familiesNedra Glover Tawwab – Healthy boundaries in adult relationshipsThese frameworks collectively support the episode’s core position:👉 Loving your children does not require sacrificing your marriage. 👉 Honoring your marriage does not require abandoning your children.Final ReflectionThis episode is a reminder that love without boundaries can become harmful, even when intentions are good. Children—minor or adult—thrive best when parents model healthy relationships, emotional responsibility, and self-respect.Parenthood is not about choosing who matters more. It is about choosing what is appropriate, healthy, and sustainable for everyone involved.
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