Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:45] Today’s episode covers common questions around the 12-step program.

[3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others.

[3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts?

[5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are different because we have to define our own sobriety.

[5:55] Scott breaks down the different SA groups you can join.

[11:40] How do I find the right resources for my specific needs?

[17:35] What should a betrayed spouse look for/do?

[18:15] What about programs that aren’t 12-step focused?

[20:20] Remember, 90 meetings in 90 days doesn’t mean you’re magically cured by day 91.

[29:15] What does it mean to have a ‘higher power’ in a s12-step program? I’m not religious.

[34:15] I’m a betrayed partner but my husband won’t admit any wrongdoing. What should I do?

[40:35] Who should my accountability partner be?

[47:50] When does it make sense to ask my partner about his recovery? I don’t want to know the details, but I do want to know the progress.

[52:55] His friends are backing him up and I feel manipulated by him. What should I do?

[56:55] What should you look for in a sponsor?

[1:00:30] Can betrayed partners also attend a SA meeting?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Eating disorders are about learning how to eat in healthier ways. Sexual sobriety is about what is problematic for me and what is not?”

• “It doesn’t matter which SA group you go to, just be comfortable and be able to be honest. If you can share honestly and openly and get support, great, you’re in the right spot.”

• “Tami and I are fans of 12-step recovery because that’s what’s worked for us, but there are other options. Explore them!”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough’. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I’m working on it, but as a result my daughter is an anxious mess. What can I do?

[3:50] You have to take care of yourself and set an example for your family.

[6:25] Does someone need to be in solid recovery for Dr. Eddie’s recovery group?

[8:05] My addict started accusing me. Sure enough, he’s acting out again with underage girls. What do I do?

[11:20] Most sex addicts aren’t looking at 12 year olds! This addiction goes deeper into offending behavior.

[14:30] What resources can I use to help build trust and safety with my partner?

[18:05] What type of questions should I ask when going to a therapist for sex addiction?

[21:00] Do the feelings of shame and anxiety ever go away?

[29:20] My SA still has an enmeshment with his mother. She still treats him like a child. Is this normal?

[33:15] I’m struggling to not take his behaviors personally, despite him blaming me for his actions. How can I heal?

[39:40] Should the addict be enrolled in two different 12 step programs?

[44:20] Dr. Rob highly encourages betrayed spouses to get an STD test!

[45:15] How can I get out of my own narcissism? I lie so much to myself that I believe it.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Addiction is a mental health issue. Your daughter needs to be evaluated and supported, regardless of what else is going on in the family.”

• “Mental health is different. Sometimes we have to give a little more, we have to bend a little more, we have to do things we might not do when we’re in addiction or recovery.”

• “We sometimes look at drinking and drug use as a replacement for an anxiety problem.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again?

[9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so what should I do?

[15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault!

[20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there’s abuse going on in the home.

[24:35] So many addicts don’t realize that they’ll never find what they’re looking for.

[25:15] He says he’s in recovery. I don’t think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship?

[7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery?

[14:45] I’m acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out?

[21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there’s nothing to worry about. If he’s handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction?

[28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What’s going on here?

[9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I’m a different person?

[18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over?

[22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I’m overreacting. What should I do?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent?

[2:45] How do you define recovery?

[8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swear I can’t remember certain things.

[15:30] The label ‘addict’ was incredibly freeing for Tami because for the first time, it meant that there was hope.

[17:05] Should I completely give up hope on my addict? Is it time to separate?

[19:45] If you can’t do it for you, please leave your addict for the safety of your children.

[22:00] Please continue to Keep your home peaceful!

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy?

TAKEAWAYS:

[:23] My SA husband’s one-year sobriety date is today. It’s also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner.

[2:56] Discovery is trauma. What support have you had? Dr. Rob says about a year in is when you run into the relationship. Who are you without the issues of addiction?

[4:22] Married 36 years; in-house separated for two years. My husband is in recovery for six months. It’s hard to consider welcoming him back. Is it time? Dr. Rob says to date and get to know each other.

[6:56] Tami says to remember that you are different people than you were 36 years ago. Learning more about each other is going to be helpful.

[7:26] I bought porn video and left the ATM receipt on the shredder. My wife is upset and wants an explanation. Dr. Rob says when you lie, it takes your wife back to the beginning. Take your recovery seriously and leave your wife alone.

[11:36] Tami says at the ATM, ask your wife if it is OK to take money out for the slush fund. Don’t make excuses to yourself. Dr. Rob says it will never be muscle memory to do the right thing. Put a process between you and the ATM.

[15:58] My wife doesn’t know if she wants to try and rebuild. I joked with my sister in an email and my wife says I am not grieving enough because I’m able to joke. Tami recommends the Couples Healing from Betrayal workgroup on SeekingIntegrity.com.

[18:11] Dr. Rob points out that if you’re grieving anything, it’s being no longer able to get away with lies and acting out. Your spouse has been betrayed. She feels unsafe in the world and her home. Read Out of the Doghouse.

[21:32] Let your spouse her have her feelings and don’t question them. Tell her you understand her feelings because you caused them.

[21:45] My husband tells me not to call him a sex addict. He has only anger and resentment toward me. I mess up. Am I wasting time in couples therapy? Couples therapy will not help her. The wife is victimized. Read Prodependence for people living with sex addicts. Set boundaries and find safety.

[28:06] Dr. Rob adds to be honest with therapists. If they are not serving you, ask what they are doing. Tell them if it’s not the time for you. They will respect that.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him?

[8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you.

[10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships?

[15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her?

[22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict?

[26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss