the mouth thinks it wants to be filled

the hole thinks it wants to be filled, but then they feel sick.

They don’t want to be filled. They want to be soothed.

They want the movement of the milk, of the nectar, through them

but not filled up like a closed container , movement through

seed essence through Mandala, fill my chalice with elixir

it overflows and then shatters, hanging onto nothing.

The shadow parts hide in the holes, but they want to be found.

The hands want to touch from the hole,

the eyes want to look from the hole, but they will never be satisfied. We take the eyeballs for a walk around the sacred circle

with the Rapid Awakened Protector,

with the pink Medicine Buddha. Supreme Glory Free from Sorrow,

with the Swift One of Heroic Glory, with the Immortal Yogi, vase body

and everything starts to drain, we empty out,

empty out all the channels and holes

shame perpetuates the unconscious trance of acting out the karma

protector, partner, lover, and sexual consort, father to children, intimate friend , the holy vow, Medicine Husband,

respect of man and woman for each other, Reindeer Husband,

crystal rod in my spine, Christ Light between the antlers.

unrelenting grief and shame that he does not want me for his wife, understanding this makes no sense, it was never a possibility.

the romantic projection of a one and only everlasting true love dissolves in the embodied awareness

that I am already inseparable from my Twin Flame Beloved.

but what about my love story Magdalena?

the stomach tries to not feel the pain,

thereby shutting down the pleasure

Bhakti of unconditional love and devotion

direct transmission of lavender-scented honey

stars and serpents in the Tree of Life, pinecone in the brain

Taku Skanskan, Holy Breath, all that moves

I played more music for us and the lovemaking, hours at a time

than I have played for myself in the past nine years

forgiveness for self that the listening to music

can be so evocative of sorrow and unfulfilled longing

pulsating rhythms, medicine songs in Spanish

tender melodies, and everything in between