Private Detective Frank Uture stepped out from behind his privacy screen with a bloody mouth and tremors in his steps like they'd installed all his bones upside down and the wrong way around.

The corpse; my corpse, not my corpse but the one that I put there, lay on the brown-washed pavement not breathing — a sure sign that I'd done what needed to be done. As a junior detective, I didn't have much to do at the time. I hadn't worked a scene like this before. I didn't think I'd get assigned to it, but I had to show up for there to be any chance of my getting sleep without a lead suppository. As a general rule, the cybo-brass always call in private detectives when a cop has been found dead, since it's almost always another cop that's done it but I didn't realise they had staffers on the sidelines too.

Frank opened his mouth, stuck out his mangled tongue with all the sharp little shards sticking out of it like he'd just sucked on the end of a fibreglass cigarette, and went "ahhhhhh!" to prove he had, in fact, swallowed a whole clock — hands and all. I was then instructed to wail on him with a big metal stick to, quote, "ring in the dang ol' new year."

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WELCOME TO THE NEW STINK; THE BONE ZONE HALF HOUR - NIPPING AT YOUR CHEEKS ONCE A MONTH LIKE THE GHOST OF A FLEA!

TWO STORIES AND A JOKE IN THIS ONE, AREN'T YOU A LUCKY LITTLE GUY?

IF YOU LIKE THIS, SEND MY REGARDS TO YOUR MAMA AND THEN SEND ME MONEY ON PATREON.COM/SBDA

STAY SAFE, OR DON'T! x

I'M YOU, FROM THE FUTURE

a boy wakes on christmas day to find an intruder in his smart-home that looks just like him, and if you can't tell just from the title what's going to happen, then there's no hope, is there?

WOULD YOU STILL LOVE ME IF I WERE (A) WORM?

how many times will my wife ask me this question? many, many times because this tall tale cannot be considered an answer. angular tommy, third-generation bumpkin, turns into an earthworm whenever he looks at the moon day-or-night, and that's no good considering his whole job is keepin' birds outta corn fields.

ALL THE SWIFTNESS OF THE DAY ITSELF

having cheated death twice, punishment is endured; they are forced to live through the myriad deaths across time, and there is only one way out.

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WELCOME TO THE NEW STINK; THE BONE ZONE HALLOWE'EN HALF HOUR - ARRIVING ON THE DAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FIVE YEARS x

IF YOU LIKE THIS, SEND MY REGARDS TO YOUR MAMA AND THEN SEND ME MONEY ON PATREON.COM/SBDA

STAY SAFE, OR DON'T! x

It was the sudden realisation that everybody else was living their goddam American dreams that snapped him out of his vibe-walk. Dirk Steveman coasted all the way through his shift in the jetpack mines, gotten back home to his Le Grand McMansion, opened his mail, washed his nutsack in the sink, brushed his teeth, ate his dinner, washed his nutsack again, and gotten all nice and tucked up in bed and all it had taken to break him out of his trance was the realisation that, no matter how many bedrooms he had tacked onto the side of his 200,000 square-foot domain, no matter how many bars of gold he had hidden in his fridge-freezer, or how many Bent-bourginis in his garage, no matter how many sinks he had built specifically to scrub his nutsack clean, he would never feel whole until he could achieve his truest calling.

Dirk Steveman, richest man alive, couldn't buy his own happiness.

Dirk Steveman, jetpack dynamo and all-round top-shagger, didn't want to be any of those things.

Dirk Steveman wanted to be a comedian; L.A's bread and butter, America's sweethearts, Earth's mightiest heroes.

💀 💀 💀 💀

WELCOME TO THE NEW STINK; THE BONE ZONE HALF HOUR - NIPPING AT YOUR CHEEKS ONCE A MONTH LIKE THE GHOST OF A FLEA!

ONE STORY IN THIS EPISODE, BUDDY-BOY! NEXT MONTH? MORE! WOAH!

IF YOU LIKE THIS, SEND MY REGARDS TO YOUR MAMA AND THEN SEND ME MONEY ON PATREON.COM/SBDA

STAY SAFE, OR DON'T! x

PAPER GHOST DETECTIVE GUILD; YOU'VE REACHED THE CLOWN DEPARTMENT, HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?

on a well-deserved break from sunny-side up los angeles, celebrity sleuth walter welles iis tasked with uncovering the truth behind a locked-room mystery in the scottish highlands.

but where has the victim gone?

All sound design made with public domain SFX & music, unless stated below:

(yanvince - who am I? [NCS Release] Music provided by NoCopyrightSounds)

have a good night x
www.carefultheresbones.com

after two-hundred and forty-seven years of imprisonment on a desolate island, the saint-borne vampires have enacted a scheme of dastardly revenge. it is up to aoife sheridan, surreal detective supreme, and the intrinsic council of witches to decide their punishment.

SHOULD WE JUST KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES is a three-part audiozine that i cannot believe i have finished. i mean, goddam. i feel like i've been making this show for like thirty years. i am excited to make something new. i hope you like it.

if you like this, or want a little more context to the world of STRANGELOVE and the witches, you should listen to episode #11 and episode #12 of PULP: SURREAL STORIES FROM A NEARBY SKULL. you don't have to, though. i'm not your mum.

have a good night x

www.carefultheresbones.com

after two-hundred and forty-seven years of imprisonment on a desolate island, the saint-borne vampires have enacted a scheme of dastardly revenge. it is up to aoife sheridan, surreal detective supreme, and the intrinsic council of witches to decide their punishment.

SHOULD WE JUST KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES is a three-part audiozine that has been in the works since the last series of PULP: SURREAL STORIES FROM A NEARBY SKULL. it was supposed to be the final episode but it turned out to be too long, oops. Usually, the things I make turn out to be too long but THIS was somethin' else! anyway, it's done now, and this is the second episode.

if you like this, or want a little more context to the world of STRANGELOVE and the witches, you should listen to episode #11 and episode #12 of PULP: SURREAL STORIES FROM A NEARBY SKULL. you don't have to, though. i'm not your mum.

have a good night x

www.carefultheresbones.com

after two-hundred and forty-seven years of imprisonment on a desolate island, the saint-borne vampires have enacted a scheme of dastardly revenge. it is up to aoife sheridan, surreal detective supreme, and the intrinsic council of witches to decide their punishment.

SHOULD WE JUST KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES is a three-part audiozine that i have been working on for a little while now. in the time it has taken, i have been unemployed and reemployed. i aim to finish the next two episodes as soon as i can but my rent has to come first, unfortunately.

if you like this, or want a little more context to the world of STRANGELOVE and the witches, you should listen to episode #11 and episode #12 of PULP: SURREAL STORIES FROM A NEARBY SKULL. you don't have to, though. i'm not your mum.

have a good night x

www.carefultheresbones.com

ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER BONE ZONE HALLOWEEN HALF HOUR UPLOADED SEVERAL HOURS AFTER THE HOLIDAY HAS ENDED. THERE'S A LINE IN THERE THAT SAYS ITS ON TIME BECAUSE I WAS VERY CONFIDENT AT THE TIME, AND THEN I DIDN'T FINISH IT. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT, SOZ.

please enjoy the following half-hour (actual length about an hour and a bit) of stories including; "WHY, WHY MS. MUMMIFIED ALIVE?", "FEAST YOUR BLOODY EYES ON THIS!", "STAIRWELL THAT ENDS WELL", and "MAKING MOUNTAINS OUT OF ANTHILLS".

stay safe x

www.bonlyfans.co.uk/