“He is just shipping himself with snacks.”

This week’s bougiest coffin-cruise horror movie is… The Last Voyage of the Demeter. This film has everything: a vampire who mails himself across Europe with provisions. Blood bag wisdom brought to you by Snapple. And an idea for a Dracula movie so brave it will never happen… again. If you love bougie undead meal prep and blockbuster pitches that should absolutely not be greenlit, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Renfield (2023)

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“This is why we shouldn’t have made women wear corsets.”

This week’s prettiest fever dream is… Nosferatu. This film has everything: a naked blood-circle fax machine. Some of the absolute worst period-accurate hair. And a villain that edges so hard when he final gets what he's after it, literally kills him. If you love moody gothic vibes, unexplainable vampire etiquette, and horny morality tales, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)

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“My dick is encased in wax. It’s the ultimate condom.”

This week’s horniest fire hazard of a horror movie is House of Wax. This film has everything: wax-on-wax violence, Quentin Tarantino’s evil twin, and smoldering chemistry only ruined by shared parentage. If you love incestual tension, foot trauma, and the slowest wax-based final fight in horror history, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Nosferatu (2024)

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“He’s wearing more flair than an Applebee’s assistant manager"

This week’s hungriest horror movie is… Bones and All. This film has everything: A Donkey-Kong victory dance to a KISS tune, Ethical-cannibalism campfire rules, and the most understandable abandonment you'll ever seen on the silver screen. If you love road-trip vibes, meaty metaphors, and unhinged food discourse, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: House of Wax (2005)

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“I’m just impressed by the loyalty of the Funky Bunch.”

This week’s most unhinged horror-thriller is… Fear. This film has everything: the unwavering loyalty of the Funky Bunch, the death of a german Kaiser, and a crew you can’t tell is a rock band or the Bling Ring…but either way, they’re showing up to your house and it’s not for rehearsal. If you love questionable life choices, possible paternal Bass Players, and home invasions with a soundtrack that slaps, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Bones and All (2022)

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"You're the hottest person at your college and dumb enough to get kidnapped."

This week’s most scariest horror movie is I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. This film has everything: Jamiroquai in a murder poncho, A lost live action Scooby-Doo episode. And a six-shooter that fires eight times. If you love karaoke, seafood mascots, and Jennifer Love Hewitt losing a fight to basic geography, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Fear (1996)

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“If turtles are flightless birds, is lasagna a cake?”

This week’s most requested horror movie is Willy’s Wonderland. This film has everything: A silent janitor with zero follow-up questions. Animatronic Pizzagate. And a haunted true crime original story of convoluted that you'd need five nights to sort it out. If you love flightless turtles, debt-era Nic Cage energy, and animatronics get curb-stomped, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

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“That necklace should only be viewed through a hand mirror.”

This week’s scariest horror movie is What Lies Beneath. This film has everything: ghost girls with boundary issues, true crime witchcraft girlies, and a husband who invents the biggest red flag ever. If you like a movie that dares to ask the question, Can Han Solo act? This episode is for you.

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Up Next: Willy's Winderland (2021)

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