Ioco is back to help G and Shannon read the epic fail epilogue of Eclipse! It’s a good thing the chapter is called “Choice,” because they’re questioning all of Stephenie’s. After listener emails and donut show-and-tell, it’s time to check in with Jacob’s latest L’s, take a vampire calligraphy class, and read Smeyer’s canon femslash. Just don’t forget to stan Leah Clearwater for clear skin!

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It’s the final chapter of Eclipse (not counting the epilogue), and Lilia joins G and Shannon for some wedding planning! But first, cry along with Bella. And then cry some more. And some more (Edward is about to be SO fed.) Also featured: Shannon’s new prop and old dad, an in-universe Bella’s Book Club, and Edward’s… slut era?? It’s all here at the all-you-can-slurp tear buffet!

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Sunshine returns from fighting fires to focus on what’s really important: supporting G and Shannon through the breakup in Eclipse chapter 26. But first, a post-mortem recap of Stephenie Meyer’s 9/11 Q&A! Then it’s time for Bible study (dead baby edition), the return of the Fujo Hat, murmurmaxxing, and an absolutely cursed Renesmegg moment. Grab your gavels, because it’s time to dump your side piece in a God-honoring way!

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Julie rejoins G and Shannon for a “calorie-dense” Eclipse chapter 25, in which POVs collide and short second lives come to an end! First: listener emails about cats, Twilight dads, and... math?? Next: can Bree survive the horrors of Girl Torture long enough to reveal the shocking truth about Edward? Finally: sit down, strap in, and join the Volturi on their wacky American murder vacation!

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It’s battle time at last, and Lexie returns to help G and Shannon commentate on not one, not two, but THREE fights in Eclipse chapter 25. Also returning? Bella’s holes, just in time to make everyone question whether Jacob is her fluffer. Hearts will break and heads will roll at what is either the sparkliest battle ever or the rave with the most dismemberments per capita! Bonus: the all-new segment Questions for Stephenie (9/11 Edition)!

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It’s episode 69 (nice) and Beth returns just in time for G and Shannon to wish her a happy Father’s Day as they watch this all-Stooge love triangle implode in Eclipse chapter 23. As self-hatred, simping, and romantic power fantasies collide, your hosts must answer the question: is that kiss valid? All that and more as they prescribe Bella antidepressants, debut the Fluttershy Voice, and find horrible new ways for the Renesmegg to haunt the narrative.

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M joins Shannon and G for long-awaited “tentpole episode” on Eclipse chapter 22, and she’s brought a special prop. A werewolf, a vampire, and a human walk into a tent—and there’s only one sleeping bag! Your hosts must survive the homoerotic tension long enough to bring back the Kelseyverse, send Heathcliff to summer camp, and promote Riley from RA to tee-ball coach in a return to Bree Tanner! Which ships will sail and which will (literally) sink in this cucktastic episode?

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Hiking consultant Kacie returns to help Shannon and G read Eclipse Chapter 21—and assign every character a dogsona! It’s a good thing they recorded this episode during Pride Month, because Alice is joining in on the ravishment fantasy and the Edward x Jacob sexual tension is simmering as the main love triangle hits the unhappy trails for the most awkward camping trip in literary history. (What if we pointed to a map and our hands touched and we were both boys?)

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