[Whale song] Grab onto a barnacle for precocious pre-teens, grumpy grandpas, and worshipful whales. The person most confused by the film this week was: the beautiful schoolteacher with braces.

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Pull up to the dinner table for 2010s love triangles, skinny-scarf–clad singing solos, and family fighting. The person most confused by the film this week was: all of us, currently, who lived through the Obama years and now live in hell.

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Book a flight to this episode for tiresome tourists, foreign fax machines, and unsupportive undergarments. The person most confused by the film this week was: us finding out Scarlett Johansson is 17 in this!!!

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Unwash your brain for sister assassins, parental operatives, and really red rooms. The person most confused by the film this week was: Siena but also, honestly, those pigs.

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*Dial up sound* Boot up this episode for quirky shopkeeps, nineteen-nineties nostalgia, and another inexplicably likeable sourpuss Tam Honks character. The person most confused by the film this week was: Joe Fox's family tree.

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*twinkle lights* Draft some prose for confusing kisses, disposable dildos, and forgiving friends. The person most confused by the film this week was: Alike's sister any time she had to be involved in any situation.

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My...pod... Swim up for satanic singers, stupid high school sweethearts, and one starving succubus. The person most confused by the film this week was: the bar, about why it was on fire!?

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BOO! Enroll this semester for amish (?) apparitions, disdainful department heads, and frightening frat parties. The person most confused by the film this week was: Liv's mom who kept calling and speaking so slowly?

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