It's finally time for the story of two hungry bears versus 42 unruly youths!

• Hairy fire guy versus the Bible's alleged worst woman (who did nothing wrong) and her useless little emo husband, the Bible's most overrated guy
• Elijah was the fastest runner of all time and there's nothing atheists can do about it
• Meet yet another "Satan": Where the name Beelzebub comes from
• We are joined by the smart and funny Spencer Hall, a sports journalist whose love of this specific biblical passage helped make him one of our most requested guests

Intro music: "Who Do You Know" by Claire Lynch

Forgot to say this in the show itself, but won't you please look at our Patreon (currently dormant and not charging money, but there's a bunch of old episodes on there) and follow us on Bluesky and Instagram?

The Book of (First) Kings, chapters 11-16, a part of the Bible that's gonna sound like we chose it specifically because it was recorded in April 2025.

• But first, did you know the names of comically large wine bottle sizes are all named after Bible guys?
• Meet the rebel who might've been a big inspiration for the Moses story set centuries prior.
• Emily's as annoyed by Solomon as she has been by just about any character so far.
• Does a failson take the throne and immediately start yelling at an angry mob about his own penis? This is a Bible story, so you already know the answer.
• The Bible's oldest archeologically confirmed newspaper headline.

• Welcome Trey Ferguson, a pastor based in the Miami area who's also an author, podcaster, and tremendous poster. You're gonna like him a lot! Find all of his work via https://www.pastortrey05.com.

"Not Like Us" harp cover by Arianna Worthen.

Stay in touch! We also have a Patreon currently on hiatus) with lots of bonus episodes stored up, and most of our posting currently happens on Bluesky, though we have accounts elsewhere too.

We are so freaking back. We're joined by Seattle University professor emeritus Wes Howard-Brook, author of works like Come Out My People: God's Call Out of Empire in the Bible and Beyond, to discuss:

• King Solomon wasn't actually all that wise ...
• ... and the cutting-a-baby story isn't about what a great guy he was.
• In fact, the Bible's authors meant for us to view Solomon as just another Exodus pharaoh!
• How the David-Solomon story is The Godfather.
• And a whole bunch of other stuff about the Bible's overarching theme of love vs. imperialism.

Thank you for listening! Support this show by GIVING US A REVIEW ON YOUR PODCAST APP PLEASE OH PLEASE, joining our ⁠Patreon⁠ (where we post monthly episodes, usually on "fun" stuff), and following our ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠Twitter⁠, and ⁠Bluesky⁠ accounts. Also, here's where to get Jason's novel.

Hello! Let's sprint through a big (but action-packed) portion of the Book of Samuel and then focus on the story of King David and Bathsheba.

• Almost everything you've ever heard about this story has nothing to do with what's actually in the Bible, but what else is new?
• Around the 40-minute mark, we're joined by creator April Ajoy (of TikTok, Instagram, the Evangelicalish podcast, and more) to discuss the way this story constantly gets argued about by the internet's angry Christian men. Plus we talk Rapture trauma, childhood persecution fantasies, and other fun stuff!!! To be clear, this is the fun part of the episode.
• Let's also mostly wrap up the story of David, a boy who became a kingpin seemingly parodied by his own propaganda and just about the weirdest guy ever to pick as a supposed model for Jesus. His story's not quite done, but next time, we'll turn toward the original Finance Instagram bro: King Solomon.

Intro song: k.d. lang's cover of "Hallelujah"

Thank you for listening! Support this show by GIVING US A REVIEW ON YOUR PODCAST APP PLEASE OH PLEASE, joining our Patreon (where we post monthly episodes, usually on "fun" stuff), and following our Instagram, Twitter, and Bluesky accounts.

We're back in the Book of Samuel, starting in chapter 18, where giant-killer David meets Israel's other war hero, Prince Jonathan. To quote Taylor Swift, sparks fly. Platonic sparks, your Sunday school teacher assures you.

• There's a case these two were just extremely affectionate political allies. That case has been made, and we're not very interested in it. 
• Interpret this story however you want. We're completely convinced this was the Bible's first great romance. Thanks. 
• We're also joined by popular YouTuber, podcaster, and theologian Mason Mennenga to discuss how this story is just one of many examples that show scripture reflects how we view it.
• Support this show, if you like, by joining our Patreon, where we post monthly episodes on related stuff (CCM cringe/nostalgia, explaining Christian-ese language, ranking '70s Rapture movies, what the Bible *actually* says about abortion, etc.). Joining will also get you into our Discord. We're also on Instagram and Twitter!

Pre-intro: "The More I Seek You" as performed by Maple City Worship

Samuel chapter 17!

• We've reached a Bible story everybody PRETTY MUCH knows, though there are still lots of fun details. It wasn't a slingshot, for one thing!
• Goliath is the Statue of Liberty of Michael Jordans, David is Mr. Have It Both Ways, and King Saul's descent into madness ramps up right now! 
• Emily is mostly concerned with whether this Philistine-Israelite war is cruelty-free toward animals.
• We're excited to be joined by Andrew Whitehead, author of numerous works explaining the dangers of Christian Nationalism. Yep, this relates to how the David and Goliath story gets taught in church!
• Is there praise for Five Iron Frenzy? Friend, this is an episode of the Vacation Bible School Podcast. Of course there's praise for Five Iron Frenzy.

As always, thank you for listening! You can support us on Patreon for bonus episodes and stuff, and follow us on Twitter and Instagram!

Samuel 7-16!

• The Bible contains a LOT of genres. Uh-oh, you're now in the middle of a Machiavellian historical novel about Derek Zoolander! 
• Time for our regular installment of Which Part Of This Story Will White Christian Americans Try To Contort Into Propaganda For White Christian America? 
• Does this episode include weird math, exaggerated war stuff, confusing prophet behavior, confusing food rules, weird animal stuff, baffling arguments, the total eradication of tribes clearly not eradicated, and women hanging out by a well? It's a Bible episode, so duh! 
• Know how you've been told you have to believe the Bible is perfect, inerrant, and handed down directly from God? Well, we recently dug some of this section's missing portions out of the ground, and half the translations disagree on how old its protagonist is, so maybe not! 
• Samuel is the ... ... ... ... ... ... good guy in this story? Really? 
• Meet David, simultaneously a humble Cinderella boy and a breathtaking Mary Sue warrior-poet! 

As always, thank you for listening! You can support this show on Patreon for bonus episodes and stuff, and follow us on Twitter and Instagram!

We're entering a whole new chunk of the Bible, and it might be a surprise chunk!

• Why we're now in Samuel instead of Ruth, the book that's up next according to Christian Bibles! 
• Yet another barren womb! As always, when the Bible reuses a story, the variations are everything! 
• The Bible's first usage of "the messiah" is a fine time to talk about how poorly the average Christian understands the old, complex, ever-evolving concept! 
• Meet the original Typical Preacher's Kids! 
• A war catastrophe leads to the Philistines capturing the Ark of the Covenant, which goes very terribly for the Philistines' genitals! 

If you like this show, please give us a review on your podcast app, follow us on Twitter and/or Instagram, and consider giving us $1/month via Patreon (or $5.77 for bonus episodes, Discord membership, a sticker, and stuff).