In this episode, we take on the question women ask again and again: Why is he abusive? Women are desperate for an answer. They want to understand his need for power and control – where it comes from, what drives it, and whether he’s even aware of it. For many women, this becomes a pivotal point in making sense of their situation.

There are many unfounded theories and explanations commonly offered for why abusive men are abusive:

• He has an anger problem.
• He’s under a lot of stress.
• He’s mentally ill.
• It’s because of his childhood.
• He’s an addict.
• It’s just his “conflict style.”

None of these are accurate. These excuses show up everywhere in the dominant discourse and leave both women and professionals confused about what the real issue actually is.

Karen shares part of her own story about Bruce’s change process and what that looked like. That experience leads us into a discussion of the true cause of abuse: the man’s underlying belief system.

Research from the University of British Columbia’s School of Social Work, based on interviews with men before and after treatment, identified three core beliefs held by abusive men. These beliefs create the foundation that allows abuse to happen:

• Central – He believes he should be the centre of the household and that everything should revolve around him.
• Superior – He believes he is better than his partner in all areas that matter.
• Deserving – He believes he is entitled to whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.

These beliefs are deeply held – often unconscious – and rooted in privilege and entitlement. Abusive men may know how to “talk the talk” of healthy relationship, so they won’t usually state these beliefs outright. But their actions reveal them.

• More in the show notes
• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

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We want to thank you for joining us for this heavy, but essential, conversation. Be gentle with yourself as you listen; grab your coffee or tea and give yourself the space and time you need.

Historically, everyone — from services to courts to friends — has focused on what he did. "Did he kick? Did he choke? Was it bad enough to count as abuse?" Can she prove it? But this focus on his behaviour completely fails to describe the devastating impact their behaviour has on their partner's while ignoring or minimizing the woman’s experiences.. In this episode, we center the impact of his abuse on her. Focusing on impacts shifts focus from ‘What is wrong with her’: to “What has happened to her?”

In this episode,we explore the deep and wide-ranging ways men’s abuse impacts women — regardless of what specific tactics of abuse he uses.

Men’s abuse has so many impacts. Broadly, it systematically strips away a woman’s autonomy, affecting everything – how you live, how you parent, who you have friendships with, who you can see, how you express yourself, etc..

Abusive men create a constant, terrifying and unpredictable reality — like walking through a landmine, where any step could trigger an explosion. A woman can't focus on herself because she is entirely focused on minimizing harm to her and her children. Looking at impacts helps women identify how the fear has affected them.

Abuse also impacts your physical and mental health. Women experience migraines, body pain, insomnia, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating, weight changes, frequent infections, reproductive coercion and so much more.

Resources and next steps

• Read the entire show notes
• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.

In this episode of the When Love Hurts podcast, we unpack the realities of power and control in abusive relationships. We dive into a deeper exploration of the Power and Control Wheel, a tool we use every day in our work with women. We speak about why this tool matters so much, how it builds on the cycle of abuse, and how it helps women name and understand the tactics used against them.

As we walk through each section of the wheel, we share examples from the countless stories women have entrusted to us over the years. We talk about psychological abuse—especially gaslighting—and how disorienting and crazy-making it can be when someone rewrites your reality. We discuss the many forms physical abuse can take beyond hitting, including blocking exits, reckless driving, and threatening behavior that leaves no visible marks. We explore verbal abuse, from cruel insults to conversational control, and how words become weapons instead of a means of connection.

We also spend time on financial abuse, one of the most misunderstood but powerful forms of control, and we highlight how deeply it traps women—both during the relationship and after leaving. We speak about social abuse and the devastating impact of isolation, including tactics that involve friends, family, and community. From there, we move into spiritual abuse, cultural abuse, the use of children as a weapon, and sexual abuse—all areas where lines often blur, tactics overlap, and women are left feeling confused, ashamed, and alone.

Resources

• Shownotes
• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.
• Power and Control Wheel (PDF)