Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making.

This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change.

Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the silent treatment, and how martyrdom quietly erodes self-respect and relationships.

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Time Stamps

00:00 – Listener questions: shutdown in conflict, marriage pressure, martyr complex
01:00 – What attachment theory actually explains
02:10 – The four attachment styles and how they form
04:18 – How attachment styles show up in adult relationships
08:34 – Why people mislabel themselves as "secure"
10:00 – Moving past attachment labels toward secure functioning

10:29 – Why anxious and avoidant partners find each other
12:02 – Anxious–avoidant conflict and chronic shutdown
13:23 – Stonewalling vs the silent treatment (Gottman framework)
14:44 – Why breaks longer than 24 hours cause harm
16:49 – How anxious partners unintentionally reinforce shutdown
18:00 – When you've done all you can and nothing changes
20:29 – Deciding what you can live with

23:25 – Marriage timelines and commitment resistance
25:23 – "If you loved me, you would…" and weak arguments
27:21 – Fear, attachment, and self-sabotage around commitment
29:56 – The risk of forcing readiness
31:55 – Resentment as the real long-term threat

33:35 – What a martyr complex really is
36:17 – How suffering becomes tied to worth
38:28 – Faulty "martyr math" and unmet expectations
40:29 – Martyrdom, trauma, and low self-esteem
42:14 – Why misery feels safer than happiness
43:43 – Challenging beliefs and learning to say no
46:17 – Resentment, manipulation, and people-pleasing
47:59 – Closing reflections and community resources

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If this episode resonates, consider sharing it with someone who feels stuck in the same patterns.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast