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Why Saying No Feels Like Danger: The Nervous System Truth

Why Saying No Feels Like Danger: The Nervous System Truth

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 What if the reason we can't say no isn't a willpower problem—but a nervous system problem? In Part 2 of this raw, unscripted conversation, Dr. Aimie Apigian and her friend Jalon Johnson go deeper into what actually happens inside our body when we try to set a boundary. This isn't theory—it's two people sharing what it felt like to rehearse conversations for days, to brace for rejection, and to genuinely believe the world might end if they said no to family. From the realization that we've been having hour-long arguments with people entirely in our heads, to the moment the sun still came up after saying "I'm not coming," this episode gets honest about why boundaries feel like pulling the pin on a grenade—and what changes when we finally let it go. In this episode you'll hear more about: The conversations we have that never actually happen: Dr. Aimie's revelation that she would spend hours—sometimes days—rehearsing both sides of a conversation with someone, anticipating their response, forming rebuttals, all before saying a single word out loud. The exhausting mental gymnastics of trying to manage someone else's reaction before it even exists.Why "no" feels like a threat to survival: Jalon's insight that if you've never been comfortable saying no, your nervous system treats it like danger. The activation, the bracing, the preparing for impact—it's not dramatic, it's protective. And it makes sense when we understand what we learned in childhood."No with a period is a complete sentence": The reframe Jalon's first therapist gave him that he's carried ever since—and why most of us still struggle to say no without attaching explanations, justifications, and apologies to soften the blow we're sure is coming.The world didn't end—and that changed everything: Dr. Aimie's experience of finally setting the boundary, bracing for disaster, and then... nothing. The sun came up. The family moved on. And she was able to show up as the person she actually wanted to be instead of the drained, resentful version running on empty.Self-care feels frightening when you've never done it: Why taking care of ourselves can feel more threatening than burning out, and how building tolerance to rest—just like building tolerance to anything new—takes practice, not perfection.Asking "why" until you get the real answer: The technique both Dr. Aimie and Jalon use to get beneath the surface reason—asking why five, six, seven times until the truth finally shows up. Dr. Aimie's application of this to her emotional eating patterns and what she discovered underneath the hunger. Setting a boundary isn't about having the perfect words or the right explanation. It's about recognizing that the discomfort we feel isn't proof we're doing something wrong—it's proof we're doing something new. Our nervous system learned that saying no was dangerous. It will take time to teach it otherwise. And in the meantime, we can hold both: the part that's terrified and the part that knows we need this. 🎧 This is Part 2 of Dr. Aimie's conversation with Jalon Johnson. If you missed Part 1, it's linked below—we talked about the exhausting reality of showing up to family gatherings after we've changed and they haven't. Part 3 goes deeper into the hustle: why we push ourselves to prove our worth and what happens when our body finally says "enough." 🎙️ Check out this week's main episode, Why Trauma Returns in Midlife: A Chinese Medicine Lens with Dr. Lorne Brown 💭 Where in our life are we still rehearsing conversations that haven't happened yet? What would it feel like to just say no—and let them have their reaction? Leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube—it takes two minutes and means more than you know. Thank you for being here.
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