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"Yesh מ׳ז׳ל׳ BiYisroel"-Speaking frankly about teenage male sexuality in the Frum World-Responses to Doctor Shloime Zimmerman's From Boys to Men-with Rabbi Shmuel Skaist LPC, CSAT-c

"Yesh מ׳ז׳ל׳ BiYisroel"-Speaking frankly about teenage male sexuality in the Frum World-Responses to Doctor Shloime Zimmerman's From Boys to Men-with Rabbi Shmuel Skaist LPC, CSAT-c

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 This episode has serious Adult Content Episode 75: The Sexual Miseducation of Religious Adolescents Spurred by Dr. Shloimie Zimmerman’s recent book titled “From Boys to Men,” Rabbi Kivelevitz chairs this panel discussion with Pro. Juni and Rabbi Shmuel Skaist who is a noted educator, mentor, and psychotherapist specializing in sexual addictions. Dr. Zimmerman’s underlying premise, which the panelists fully endorse, is that adolescents will persist in some sexual behaviors (especially masturbation) regardless of any educational efforts. R. Kivelevitz applauds the book as a valiant effort to deal with the “guilt spirals” which youngsters experience around masturbation, especially as the book could potentially result in a backlash from the organized religious educational establishment. Prof. Juni notes that such reactions have been commonplace toward researchers who broached sexual taboos even in academia (e.g., the Kinsey Reports). Juni’s main critique of the book highlights its narrowness of focus. His specific points are: 1) Masturbation should not be stressed to the exclusion of other challenges of adolescent sexuality (e.g., pornography); 2) The book should not be limited to boys while excluding girls; 3) The issue of homosexuality cannot be ignored; 4) The book should not have been addressed to parents / educators; rather it would best be addressed to adolescents; 5) Since the intent is to minimize tension and maladjustment of adolescents, the main focus should be on sexual development issues rather than Halachic challenges. Expanding on the latter point, Juni notes the emotional difficulties around sexual development among religious youth does NOT revolve around the violation of religious percepts. Rather, they are driven by erroneous assumptions by the young person that s/he is different from his/her peers and that there is something wrong with her/him – which is often verbalized as “I must be crazy.” These issues are identical to those of irreligious youth. Thus, claims Juni, all that is needed here is a very precise message which stresses statistical normality rather than Halachic percepts. That message – The behaviors you engage in related to sexual curiosity -- including masturbation, sexual exploration with others, and porn watching -- are behaviors which ALL of your peers (including your religious peers) engage in very frequently. That message would dispel the erroneous assumptions which drive the guilt spiral and emotional pathology among youngsters, even when they are taught that these behaviors violate Halacha. R. Skaist argues forcefully that what is needed to deal with the decompensatory results of miseducation is a concerted effort to teach what is normal, rather than being limited to teaching what behaviors are not desirable. Adolescents need to know that sexuality should be part of a general emotionally positive relationship with another individual which includes much more than physical interaction. R. Skaist also deplores the differential tracks in sex education of boys vs. girls, which then potentially portends relationship problem in marital couples. Juni amplifies this position by noting that members of each gender often end up with a negative perception of their spouses as they conflate their negative views of sexuality with their partners. R. Kivelevitz explores the Halachic stance toward masturbation with Dr. Juni and R. Skaist. Apparently, some authorities view the ban on masturbation as applying solely to cases where it is used as a method of birth prevention by a married couple. Knowing that some authorities are not categorically opposed to masturbation may suffice to minimize the overwhelming guilt which some religious adolescents experience. R. Kivelevitz raises the issue of pornography viewing. R. Skaist dispels some erroneous ideas of how explicit sexual material might be used in psychotherapy. He argues that the real danger of pornography is that it leaves viewers with false ideas and unrealistic perceptions of what sexuality entails, with the chief deficit being that it eschews the crucial interpersonal component in an emotional relationship. Taking this a step further, Prof. Juni argues that the accurate depiction of sexuality does NOT constitute pornography unless it enhances sexual depersonalization, one-sidedness, or abuse. Since both of the panel’s experts agree that misinformation is behind sexual maladjustment which occurs during adolescence, R. Kivelevitz raises the argument used by some that co-education minimizes distortions about the other gender and enhances cross-gender relationship capacity at this crucial developmental stage. While the panelists agreed that youngsters raised in co-ed environments have a better sense of the other gender at an earlier age, these youngsters are still described as subject to the vagaries of misinformation. As R. Skaist puts it, “they still have problems, although the problems may be different ...

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