Holy Crap minus the Holy

The only emotions this book stirs in me is anger. I can't believe I wasted my credit on this. I am angry that this so called piece of literature was even published. I would have left minus stars if I could have. I feel duped by all the hype surrounding this book. I have seen it on the cover of magazines and on news programs, all with good things to say. Why??? I don't blame the author, I blame the editor and the publisher. Sadly there are more talented authors out there that take literature seriously that can't even get there foot in the door. But this dollar store throw away gets on the New York Times Best Seller list??? You've got to be kidding me. How??

This book is definitely thought provoking. My thoughts aren't what the author had in mind I am sure. First of all you want your readers to believe this is a romance, but in truth its an abusive relationship. Do a little research. Your hero, Christian Grey, 26 year old billionaire, flys a helicopter, is a pretty boy creep and the guy you teach your daughters to stay away from. How many red flags do you have to have? The difference is in real life the flags are much harder to see. This one comes with a contract, that is painfully read word for word. Your heroine, Anastasia Steele is 22 an idiot, with a college education, a virgin, no computer, no email address, naive, an American and no vocabulary. Even the names are ridiculous. Steele/Grey. Ridiculous and non believable. My intelligence has been insulted.

I am not even offended by the erotica. I am not a prude. But even that was lacking. Kinda turned me off, not on. Perhaps it was Anastasia's begging.

The narrator wasn't all that bad either. I could tolerate it. She didn't really have great material did she? There is no way to turn a bologna sandwich into a steak. And this is exactly what the author, editor and publisher want you to believe. I wonder how much money they have spent promoting this. Hope it hurts a little, like losing my credit hurt me. Did that sound sadistic? Well Holy Cow, I'm sorry.

I think I will sit down write murmur a thousand times, Oh my! a couple of hundred times. Throw in a couple of long fingers, Call a Vagina, "down there" . add a couple explicit sex scenes and call this publisher. Obviously anyone can write a book, get it published and make a million. Story? Who needs a story?

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Fifty Shades of Bad Writing

What would have made Fifty Shades of Grey better?

First, get a better narrator. I never read the book in print. However, listening to Ana and Christian's endless emails, (including dates and times) made me want to pass out from bordom. Further, the constant bickering between Ana's subconsious and her "inner goddes" was annoying, and the writer's overly-generous use the terms "holy cow", "holy s--t", and "oh my" became predictable. I'm no prude, and have read many books with erotic components. However, with the writer's use of the same descriptions over and over again (e.g. "exquisit orgasm"), even the sex scenes became boring. I truely don't understand why this book has received so much hype.

What could E L James have done to make this a more enjoyable book for you?

Take a writing class

Would you be willing to try another one of Becca Battoe’s performances?

No

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Really 2.5

Disappointed! Disappointed! It may just be me, but I'm clueless as to why there's so much fuss about this book. I fell for all of the hype and purchased this book. But I could barely finish it, was so happy when it was over, and quickly removed the two sequels from my wish list b/c I don't care what happens next. The only reason I finished it was to find out more about the history of the main male character, the reason for the book title--which I do with all books--and my unflinching hope and belief that the book had to get better. Apparently it didn't. The author repeatedly and without fail refers to female sexual parts as "down there" while also repeatedly referring to sex using the f word; this makes no sense. It felt and sounded like the only dialogue that the main female character included "oh my," hot," "my inner goddes," and "so bossy." She sounded like a very young, immature child doing very adult things and, supposedly, engaged in an adult relationship. That pseudo adult relationship was a one-sided adult experience. I don't know if the immaturity was just the writtend dialogue or the narrator's take on the dialogue or both. I'm leaning towards the latter. But the dialogue is where I put most of the blame when I think of how disappointed I was in the book. It was hard to understand the main male character's attraction to the main female one other than seeing her as a submissive. Considering she sounded like she was 11, his assessment might be understandable. But he confused immaturity with submissiveness. If I never hear another girl refer to anything sexual as "hot" or a female say "oh my" it'll be too soon! To refer to a male sexual dominant as "bossy" seemed dumb and too obvious. Duh! And the same female main character seemed to be unconvincing in her fear and concern about BDSM. The book was too long and not worth all of the hype. The sex scenes are explicit but the language didn't always coincide, so it's difficult to really call it erotica. Though it's certainly past the general romance genre. I don't know. Overall, if I had any idea, if I knew before what I know now, I certainly wouldn't have purchased it. If you can get it free, from a library or something, save your dime, IMO.

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Should've read the reviews first.

What could have made this a 4 or 5-star listening experience for you?

Nothing.

Would you ever listen to anything by E. L. James again?

Her announcement that she is retiring from writing?

How could the performance have been better?

Stop whining and dropping off on the end of her words like a lazy Valley-girl.

You didn’t love this book... but did it have any redeeming qualities?

it taught me to always read reviews first and I enjoyed reading some of the other regretful reviews.

Any additional comments?

I'm sad for all of us.

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Laughed so hard, I nearly coughed up a lung!!

Is there anything you would change about this book?

I would have Gilbert Gottfried narrate the entire thing. That would really take this craptacular audiobook to the next level - definitely. Seriously folks...I'm not even kidding - watch the clip of him reading selections of this on You Tube. Classic. Absolute claaaaassssssiiiiiicccc.

Would you recommend Fifty Shades of Grey to your friends? Why or why not?

Only to people that can laugh at truly bad work that was meant to be taken seriously. In fact, get them all in a room together with copious amounts of alcohol and blast this audiobook. Make it a drinking game - take a shot every time Anastasia refers to her "inner goddess" or sputters "oh, my!" Take another shot every time creepy Grey "levels his intense (serial killer-like) gaze upon Anastasia". On second thought, don't - everyone will wind up dead from alcohol poisoning.

What did you like about the performance? What did you dislike?

Let's see, was it Ms. Battoe's mind-numbingly dull and droning Valley Girl-esque delivery? Check. Could it be her even worse leaden vocal rendition of the rich-yet-menacingly-sexy sociopath that is Mr. Grey? Check that too. HIGH-LAR-I-OUS. Best yet, I love the fact that it's told in first person through Anastasia's character. In no time you'll be screaming to be let out of her brain. Help! Hellllppp! Someone get me out of here!!

Was Fifty Shades of Grey worth the listening time?

Only to a very small percentage of the population that enjoys books and films meant to be taken seriously but can be enjoyed for all the wrong reasons. Just when you think Anastasia couldn't possibly be more knuckle-draggingly stupid...she manages to reach a new low. Every single time. Guaranteed! In fact, Anastasia Steel is such a cretin that I often wonder how this character could function in daily society. Oh yeah. She can't. It would all make more sense if her character suffered some kind of brain injury that would preclude her being this naive or possessing such a painful lack of cognitive skills with zero tolerance for self awareness.

Any additional comments?

Folks, this is just a symptom of a much, much bigger problem with the state of extremely successful books and films. Why do we support work that depicts all female leads in today's big hits (I'm looking at YOU, Hunger Games Automaton Catniss and Twilight Boneheaded Bella!) as completely blank maidens in distress that have absolutely no sense of self awareness or willingness to own their own sexuality, much less be completely unable to understand if and why a man finds them attractive, preferring to remain asexual robots until they're felt up or kissed unexpectedly?? Such is the sad state of female leads in books and films. If I didn't laugh, I'd have to give up books and films altogether. If this is considered the only socially acceptable form of porn for mommies, they should have higher standards. We should too.

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Please buy this author a thesaurus (for starters)!

Spoiler Alert! I don't usually read "romances" but I was suckered in by all the hype. I hope they are generally better written.

First point: the vocabulary.

If I had known, I would have kept track of how many times Ana said, "Ooooh, myyyyy!" That seemed to be the only reaction the author could think of.

I told my daughter (who is a book editor) that if they make a movie of this, the audience will miss half the dialog since there was so much of it that was "murmured." There were entire conversations that were murmured.

In my entire life, I had never heard the word "clambered" used that much.

Second point: the attraction.

Ana is attracted to this man, but the only thing she keeps repeating is how stunningly beautiful he is. She's not a gold-digger, but she is so taken by his looks. I can understand a naive young woman (are there really women this naive and innocent?) being flattered by the attentions of a 27-year-old self-made billionaire (is there one of these besides Mark Zuckerberg?), but there doesn't seem to be a lot beyond infatuation.

Third point: the precedent.

I'm not a prude and I'm not a stranger to erotic fiction. I've written some myself. When I finished this book, I thought back over it. This naive young girl was lured into a world that she knew nothing about by a dashingly handsome man. He flattered her and cajoled her. The book romanticizes a jealous possessive stalker who abused her physically and mentally, and who convinced her that she wanted it. He never told her he loved her because he didn't.

I thought about all the young women who would read this book, and fall in love with Christian Grey. Domestic violence is on the rise in this country. I have known a few victims of it, and I know how difficult it is for them to leave the abuser because "he loves me." I worry that naive young women who find themselves in abusive relationships will be more tolerant because they will think it's okay after reading this book.

Fourth point: the narrator.

She was equal to the quality of the writing.

I will not be downloading the sequels.

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There's hours of my life I will never get back!

Would you try another book from E L James and/or Becca Battoe?

No. I am all done with this author and narrator. I understand the author wrote fanfiction. It's too bad some publisher picked her over the hundreds of others I have read. This book was not erotic, well written or even interesting. The plot was missing, these characters had no spart and I did not buy the attraction for one minute. The overuse of 'holy', 'inner goddess', 'oh my', 'hot' and 'Christain Grey" made this book more annoying than anything else. Once you sleep with a man, he loses his last name forever. When the main character spends so much time wondering why he picked her, we start to feel the same way because she comes off as boring and unreal. We are supposed to believe that she has never had a relationship by the time she is 22? She lives with the editor of the school newspaper who comes from a wealthy urban family and has remained 'naive'? EL spend some time watching American television and you will realize there is no way thsi person exists.

Would you ever listen to anything by E L James again?

No.

Would you be willing to try another one of Becca Battoe’s performances?

Absolutely NOT. She is horrible and should stand aside to let better performers obtain the job.

If you could play editor, what scene or scenes would you have cut from Fifty Shades of Grey?

The emails, and the endless talks with her subconvious and inner goddess.

Any additional comments?

I wish I could get my cedit back!

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This was the worst!

What could have made this a 4 or 5-star listening experience for you?

A decent story would have made this better, or even a legitimate protagonist who had an ounce of self-worth and maturity. This is the most poorly written and least sympathetic character I've read in a long time - I really just wanted to punch her in the face until she got a clue about anything.

I wanted to know what the hype regarding this book was about, so I took a chance - shouldn't have wasted my time/money! I should have known better, considering it's loosely informed by the "Twilight" series - the main character, as in "Twilight", is a whiny half-wit with zero self-esteem and no sense of self-preservation. And the story itself is entirely ludicrous (perhaps that's a symptom of the Romance genre, which I generally avoid at all costs, but again, curiosity got the better of me) - never in the real world (or even a well-crafted literary world) would a highly successful, apparently supremely attractive man fall for such a mindless drip. I've had enough of the low self-esteem, "I'm unworthy of this man", clumsy, unsophisticated female leads! Even the minor characters were worthless and added nothing to the story. The fact that this book is so popular is an incredibly unfortunate comment on American society (or at least on American women).

What do you think your next listen will be?

Anything but a book written by EL James or narrated by Becca Battoe.

Who would you have cast as narrator instead of Becca Battoe?

Anyone else. This narrator had a horribly irritating voice that made the character even less sympathetic and much whinier than she was written.

You didn???t love this book... but did it have any redeeming qualities?

Not for me.

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one star is too many

I don't know why I bought it. I guess I was compelled by the hype and the promise of over the top tales of .... whatever. I hated it. The characters were STUPID and unconvincing. It was awful. Like awful on top of awful, handcuffed to more awful. I'm not sure who the target audience for this book. I'm going to go sanitize my ear buds. In the future I plan to deny I ever listened to it.

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Random House Audio doesn't get it

I was so excited when I learned this trilogy would be out in audio book. I downloaded it as soon as it was available. I thought this was really going to be a great listen. I have read all the books and really enjoyed them. I began listening right away. I could not believe what I heard. I thought surely I had downloaded a parody of the books that I enjoyed so much, so I double checked to make sure that, yes, I did indeed download the correct book.

I couldn't believe that Random House Audio used a Judy Bloom narrator to perform the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Yes Ana is young, but really, a Judy Bloom narrator? I really like Judy Bloom don't get me wrong. But I had to wonder what RHA was thinking by using this narrator.

I was agian excited when I heard that RHA was re-mastering this book. I anxiously awaited 4/17/12 and the re-mastered version. Disappointement greeted me on 4/17. I have come to the conclusion that RHA doesn't get romance. I went back through my numerous audio purchases and realized RHA was not a big star in the audio books that I enjoy,, in fact they were absent. I have not paid attention to the publisher of my audio books in the past, but going forward I will think long and hard before purchasing any audio books published by RHA. The failure of both versions of this audio book was not the narrator or author, but a publisher who doesn't get it.

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