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  • Notes on a Silencing

  • A Memoir
  • Written by: Lacy Crawford
  • Narrated by: Lacy Crawford
  • Length: 11 hrs and 5 mins
  • 4.8 out of 5 stars (31 ratings)

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Notes on a Silencing

Written by: Lacy Crawford
Narrated by: Lacy Crawford
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Publisher's Summary

A "powerful and scary and important and true" memoir of a young woman's struggle to regain her sense of self after trauma, and the efforts by a powerful New England boarding school to silence her—at any cost (Sally Mann, author of Hold Still).

Shortlisted for the 2022 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing

When Notes on a Silencing hit bookstores in the summer of 2020, even amidst a global pandemic, it sent shockwaves through the country. Not only did this intimate investigative memoir usher in a media storm of coverage, but it also prompted the elite St. Paul's School to issue a formal apology to the author, Lacy Crawford, for its handling of her report of sexual assault by two fellow students nearly thirty years ago.

In this searing book, Crawford tells the story of coming forward during the state investigation of the elite New England prep school decades after her assault, only to find for the first time evidence that corroborated her memories. Here were depictions of the naïve, hardworking girl she’d been, as well as astonishing proof of an institutional silencing. The slander, innuendo, and lack of adult concern that Crawford had experienced as a student hadn't been imagined; they were the actions of a school that prized its reputation above anything, even a child.

This revelation launched Crawford on an extraordinary inquiry deep into gender, privilege, and power, and the ways shame and guilt are used to silence victims. Insightful, arresting, and beautifully written, Notes on a Silencing wrestles with an essential question for our time: what telling of a survivor's story will finally force a remedy?

“Erudite and devastating… Crawford's writing is astonishing… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling…”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times

A Best Book of the Year: Time, NPR, People, Real Simple, Marie Claire, The Lineup, LitHub, Library Journal, BookPage, and Shelf Awareness

New York Times Book Review Notable Book

New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice

One of People Magazine’s 10 Best Books of the Year

Semifinalist for a Goodreads Choice Award

©2020 Lacy Crawford (P)2020 Hachette Audio

What the critics say

“Erudite and devastating… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling… Crawford’s writing is astonishing.”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times

“A riveting, damning exploration of how a single moment can reshape an entire life… [and] a haunting exploration of the systematic ways assault victims are ignored… Crawford’s revelations about the insidious and systematic ways stories of assault are buried left me shaken, moved, angry. By the end, we all understand how rarely women are granted any kind of justice… Crawford does what the best memoirists do: She reaches beyond a single story… in its relentless exploration of power and hubris, Notes on a Silencing is a story that reminds us (because we apparently need reminding again and again) that women are still impotent against institutions and the men who run them… One cannot help but conjure the poised, careful testimony of Christine Blasey Ford and the sputtering, self-righteous rage of Brett M. Kavanaugh… a stunning, audacious attempt to reassert power over her own story.”—Rachel Louise Snyder, Washington Post

“The rigor and elegance of Crawford’s sentences, even while writing about such painful things, lifts this memoir into literary heights… Crawford lays bare the impact of violence on identity. She navigates her trauma surgically by trying to establish the parameters of its lexicon… with the help of therapy, detectives, records she thought lost to time, and a new case brought to the fore, Crawford is forcing the unchecked power of an elite institution to answer for their violations and the victims they shoved into silent hallways of despair.”—Kerri Arsenault, Boston Globe

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Courage

This book is a wonderful inside look into institutions and the lengths they will go in silencing individuals who have a story to tell

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Remarkable Perspicacity

Lacy Crawford leads readers/listeners through her journey surrounding terrible trauma - including infuriating/awkward pre-rape encounters and post-rape existential dread/withdrawal/promiscuity. Her narrative is realistic, emotionally charged, and strikingly honest (including no-holds-barred graphic description & language). The author tells it like it is.
Less fortunately, Crawford's experience is incredibly unrelatable (she's a privileged Ivy League prep-school legacy baby - like "Annual-Ski-Trips-To-Vale" rich). She also writes so "intellectually" at times that the book verges on the pretentious (no "normal" American teenager studies French Philosophy - in French - and comes to conclusions about their life accordingly).

Altogether, the book reads like a therapy assignment (as though Crawford was asked to journal her experience by a Psychologist and she simply decided to publish the result).. but maybe that's a good thing. Readers can definitely get something out of the book - including survivors of rape, caregivers, teachers, and parents like me.
As a physician who does counseling regularly, however, I personally didn't learn much.

Crawford was obviously instructed to read more slowly than she normally would and to pay attention to diction.. but does an admirable job reading (exhibiting truly praiseworthy timbre, cadence, and tone). Yes, she reads much too slowly (listen at 1.20X) and often overenunciates, but the advantages of having someone intimately familiar with the text read the book outweigh the drawbacks.
Hachette Audio did well to enlist Crawford to read her own book - and provide outstanding technical support (splicing in re-recorded segments seamlessly, for example).

Altogether, this startlingly matter-of-fact yet emotionally-affecting memoir rates a reasonable 5.5 stars out of 10. I am most grateful to Audible for offering it as a 'Plus' selection - it's worth a download if you can likewise get it for free - but paying a Credit would be a debatable decision (I vote 'Pass').

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Lacy is now my friend!

It is so well written and I understood every word as if she was writing my heart and my daughters heart! Thank you Lacy!!!

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No words

The crime is in self is horrific. The silencing is inexcusable. It’s a very hard listen, but as hard as it is to hear, it needs to be heard.

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When the truth is worse than the crime

This is an incredibly intimate look at how an institution actively sought, not to aid and protect a young girl in their charge who had been sexually assaulted, but to malign and silence her if she told the truth. It shocking, horrifying, deeply troubling, and heartbreaking all at once. A must read. Thank you Lacy for sharing your story.

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An important read

A brave telling of a terrible occurrence. I wish I could say I’m surprised such things happen but I’m not. I’m sure this book will help survivors feel less alone.

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Can you handle the truth??

Lacy Crawford can!!
Thank you Lacy Crawford! What a brave, intelligent, astute compassionate, enlightening and public telling of yet another story for the ‘me too’ legacy. And the coverups continue ….

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An eye opener.

My hats off to Lacy for having the courage to relive and share these horrendous memories. To have lived through them and come out such a strong person is an incredible nod to her. If her book helps just one person, then it has been well worth it. It galls me to see the power that religion and church hold and saddens me that people do not ask why but just blindly follow.
Kudos to you, Lacy.

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Trigger warning

This is a great read but will invoke hard feeling especially as a girl,woman mother

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heart wrenching and honest

I truly loved this book, even though it was incredibly triggering, because it was so brutally honest. Crawford describes the shame, anxiety, and confusion that I once felt myself but never could put into words or even admit to myself. My heart hurts so much for all the many, many young women in this world who have similar stories

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  • swimmergal
  • 2020-08-15

Everything about this book is magnificent

This book blew me away. It is not an easy listen; it is gut-wrenching and tragic, but it is so well-written and narrated that I couldn't stop listening. I finished it in two days. The author's narration was excellent; her tone and expression were perfect. The content of the book is traumatic, but anyone involved in the world of education should listen. The tale of abuse and cover-up is shocking and needs to be told. This should be required reading for all teachers and administrators, especially those at boarding schools.

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42 people found this helpful

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  • barbara
  • 2020-08-06

A difficult but important book

The author, fueled by righteous indignation brought on by her mistreatment at the hands of her elite boarding school, lays the whole tangled mess of her adolescence on the table for all to see. That takes real guts, and she obviously has real guts. I found the book disturbing on several levels. For one, Crawford paints an unlovely portrayal of St. Paul's School in Concord, NH, and the lengths to which the power elite in that school went to preserve their reputation at the author's expense. She was unjustly and unfairly treated by the school and its faculty and students, for reasons beyond her control. If the events in the book had happened during the MeToo era, I think things would have turned out very differently for her. Or at least I hope so. But I also found the descriptions of the toxically hierarchical system and structure of the school very disturbing, not only because they make life very difficult for the rank and file students of the school, but because they perpetuate and aggrandize concepts like entitlement and excellence and athletic prowess. I know I'm stating the obvious here, for those who are familiar with institutions like St. Paul's, but I found Crawford's insider descriptions of the place really distasteful. On the other hand, I was grateful to get a peek inside its hallowed halls, perhaps just so I could tsk and tut and think, "thank goodness my kids and grandkids didn't go there." But on a deeper level, it's upsetting and disturbing to think that the slice of American culture that holds places like St. Paul's School to be sacred pinnacles of educational and cultural perfection could be so misguided and wrong. It turns out to be bad for many (most?) of its kids, bad for many (most?) faculty who buy into its misguided ideals and yet molest students, and bad for society who esteem such a lopsided value system. Finally, despite respecting the author's courage and writing skills, I was disappointed by her treatise, and kept hoping for a broader contextual view of what had happened to her and how it had affected her and how she saw that reflected in the greater world around her. That said, I admire her for putting her righteous indignation and anger to good use. I hope that her book will encourage other girls who find themselves in the same position to come forward and tell all so that the perpetrators, be they the sexual predators themselves or the school officials who cover up acts of sexual predation, can be called to justice.

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36 people found this helpful

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  • Ted Baehr
  • 2020-08-12

Excellent - but very mature read

"Notes on a Silencing" is the book that everyone thinking about attending St. Paul's should read. I was there in the 1960s. The book evokes the essence of all that SPS is, should be and might become. It calls for reformation, which we can only pray will happen.
"Notes on a Silencing" is also the book that every mature person should read. It reveals the truth of silencing and the truth of abuse.
"Notes on a Silencing" is a must read book for mature readers.

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  • Mark
  • 2021-01-11

Powerful, disturbing, important

This might be the post powerful and disturbing book I have ever listened to. This memoir feels so real and so painful. It is more than just a book about a girl who is sexually assaulted at her school, a boarding school in NH (St. Pauls). It is a full coming-of-age memoir that is so well written. I was drawn to this because I am a high school teacher, at a school that competes with St. Paul's. Lacy Crawford is an incredible writer. Her amazing prose transports the reader into her shoes, complete with the frustration, pain, and the joy of adolescence. To me, this was riveting and painful. It showed many educators at their worst, but it also showed the incredible impact of good teachers in a student's life. I commend the author for stepping forward and telling her important and compelling story.

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24 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 2020-07-20

A must read for survivors and their allies

Five stars are insufficient to capture the gob-smacking genius of this book. At once brutal and gorgeous, Crawford's exquisite account of her experience will set every survivor's heart on fire; I wish that none of us had these stories to tell, but it helps so much to hear them.

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21 people found this helpful

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  • M.B.
  • 2020-08-15

One of the best books I’ve ever come across

Lacy tells her story in such a poetic and beautiful way. I thank her for bringing her experience to the public so change can happen. I highly recommend this book and hope it gets the credibility and exposure it deserves.

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13 people found this helpful

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  • Andrew Koppel
  • 2020-08-09

There Are No Words

The story itself is extraordinarily powerful. But what makes this book truly special is its eloquent writing and even more eloquent narration. Ms. Crawford’s voice is the equal of her style; her candor is beyond impressive. This is a truly important and powerful memoir.

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12 people found this helpful

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  • Anonymous User
  • 2020-07-15

Profound

While this could read as fiction it is sadly a very true story. The voice is brave and immensely intelligent and the story fiercely told. Thoughtful, compelling and profound. I hope the author has more books in her.

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9 people found this helpful

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  • Fill1749
  • 2020-07-12

Wow. Hard to believe we could treat a victim so bad

I have to thank the author for having the courage to tell her story from going to St Paul’s school in NH. So powerful and recommend this book to everyone. Excellent thank you Lacy, I hope it can open some eyes

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  • Jan
  • 2020-12-06

Painful story. So worth the read.

Wonderful account of sexual assault and coverups. Sometimes the story was a bit difficult to follow as it skipped from childhood to adulthood back to childhood. Overall a great read.

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8 people found this helpful