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Publisher's Summary

In this supportive and straightforward guide, Lundy Bancroft, the author of Why Does He Do That?, and communication specialist JAC Patrissi offer a way for women to practically take stock of their relationships and move forward, with or without their partners. Women involved in chronically frustrating or unfulfilling relationships will learn to: tell the difference between a healthy yet difficult relationship and one that is really not working, recognize the signs that their partner has a serious problem, stop waiting to see what happens and make their own growth the top priority, and prepare for life without their partner, even as they keep trying to make the relationship work.

©2011 Lundy Bancroft and Judith Patrissi (P)2015 Tantor

What the critics say

"Women needing to check in objectively on their relationship's health will find this book quite useful." ( Publishers Weekly)

What members say

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  • Jeremy Hancock
  • 2016-04-08

Paradigm Shift

This book completely shifted my paradigm. I found this book after my wife told me she wanted a divorce and I could not see why. I actually resented her for wanting to divorce me. While reading this book I identified my own self fascination and immaturity as the root cause of our marital problems. It has changed my outlook and the resentment I had towards her is gone.

19 of 19 people found this review helpful

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  • alee2012
  • 2019-03-26

Loved it!

Very helpful! Now I know what I need to do, and where my spouse currently is in himself. I feel a weight off, just knowing I'm not going crazy, and his research backs me up. Thank you!

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • lisa randolph
  • 2018-12-04

Excellent descriptions

The author really delves in to get to the root of a dysfunctional relationship and offers many solutions and outcomes for various scenarios.. He is not biased but very stern on how an individual should evaluate and access their own situation

1 of 1 people found this review helpful

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  • Annette
  • 2016-03-30

This book is life changing

One of the best book's I ever read in my life. full of knowledge and wisdom.

5 of 8 people found this review helpful

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  • Adri
  • 2019-05-26

Lundy Bancroft is literally my hero!

Jac Patrissi is also amazing for writing this book. I mention Lundy Bancroft because I first discovered him 6-7 years ago with his amazing book, "Why Does He Do That?" If you haven't listened yet, I HIGHLY recommend you get it. Sadly, I am still with the man for which I got Lundy's first book. I tried leaving him shortly after listening to the previous book, but I ended up going back. My spouse is great at convincing me that most of our problems are due to me, and I'm great at feeling guilt and shame over it. Oh, and my husband is great at getting me to doubt my own perceptions, which is also covered in this book. I willfully put on my wife blinders 6 years ago because I didn't want to face a failed marriage or life without my husband. I still love him, but like Tina Turner sings, "What's love got to do with it?" I've been getting drained emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually. I've been slowly fading away, so the dynamics have to change.

Last February, my wife blinders fell off, as I knew they would when I was ready to face my pain. I knew the pain caused by my relationship would eventually outdo the pain of facing reality. Since my husband is great at getting me to doubt myself, this book offers validation so many times that I'm on the right track. It's like they wrote the book specifically with my husband in mind. It's validating to know that I'm not alone. It's validating to know there are well known character flaws and types, that my husband has several of these flaws, that there are explanations regarding why he lies, manipulates and abuses me, and what I can do to moving forward. The authors give so much detail and education, you will be able to make decisions regarding your next steps and specific situation. They also offer many exercises to help you put your energy towards you and not so much towards a destructive man and relationship.

I will listen to this book repeatedly. I need it in my ear to combat my husband's claims that everything is my fault. He hurt my feelings - it's my fault. He scares me when he drives. According to him, that's my fault, too. It's nice to have a book that explains why his actions are his responsibility. It helped me be able to clearly draw the line on his part vs my part. I have a clear path about what I can do and how I can ensure I don't stay in a destructive relationship. I don't do this book justice, but it's the best one I'm read on abusive, narcissistic, immature, and/or addicted men. The authors give helpful information whether you decide to stay or leave. They understand the complications of a destructive relationship, and they understand that it has to be our decision. But wow, it's amazing how much they cleared things up up for me. I see my relationship more clearly than I ever have. I clearly see what I want to do next.