Now my most recommended book on marriage

My wife and I have led two newly married small groups in the last two years. And given my proclivity to over reading, and reading as one of my primary ways of processing, I have read a number of marriage books in our 15 years of marriage, especially in the last two years. Given that introduction, I think this is the most balanced, most thorough explanation of the purpose and meaning of marriage I have read.

The number one thing I like about this book is that Timothy and Kathy Keller discussion is well reasoned, biblically based, and culturally aware. The Kellers are not advocating for a throwback to some never existed culture or a blind acceptance of current cultural norms around marriage. Instead every time I felt that they started to lean one way or another, almost immediately there was a caveat that brought the discussion back in line.

I also really appreciate that Keller starts the book with a realistic portrayal of the state of marriage without being apocalyptic about the impending doom that will come on the world if we do not radically change.

Toward the end of the book there is also a very good chapter on singleness and dating, which is not often done well in marriage book. This is a book that can and should be read by singles, which is rare. The main advice that I think should be taken by singles and married is that there needs to be more intentional community between singles and married in order that singles get a realistic and open portrayal of what marriage is actually like, that marrieds can speak into the lives of singles about their dating choices (because before marriage is the time to put a stop to bad relationships) and that singles can help remind marrieds that marriage is not the only viable way for Christians to be. There is a lot more practical advice on singleness and dating, but that is primarily for those that are actually single, which I am not.

Personally there were two insights, that while not completely new, I think I heard in a different way. Both were are part of the discussion of gender roles and Ephesians 5. The first is that both husband and wife are to model Jesus to the other and both are to model after Jesus for their role. So based on Eph 5, men are supposed to look to Jesus to learn how to love their wives. And women are supposed to look to Jesus to learn how he submitted to the Father to understand what submission means in the context of the marriage. The second thought follows right after. That if the wife feels oppressed in her submission, then she is not be loved as Christ loves. And if the husband is feels like he is constantly fighting his wife, then one or both are also not acting as Jesus either. Essentially the Keller’s point isn’t that there will not be any conflict if we really are looking toward Jesus as the model in our marriage, but that a marriage that striving after following Christ will not be either avoid conflict inappropriately, nor embrace conflict inappropriately.

I am going to read this again, and I am going to seriously consider how to try and incorporate this into our newly married small group. But this is not a book only for newly marrieds. Highly recommended.

(originally published on my blog bookwi.se)

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Gave Me New Hope for My Marriage

If you could sum up The Meaning of Marriage in three words, what would they be?

Three words? Gentle. Powerful. Truth.

What was one of the most memorable moments of The Meaning of Marriage?

I appreciate how Mr Keller uses himself as the foil in his stories, showing us that he has learned many of these lessons the hard way himself. He is not preachy or professorial, but kind and very personable.

Have you listened to any of Lloyd James and Marguerite Gavin ’s other performances before? How does this one compare?

The one chapter narrated by Marguerite Gavin is the only flaw in the book for me. Her voice seems stilted and unnatural, and I had to really lean into the content and try to ignore the voice. Mr. James' voice is much easier to listen to for long stretches. Mr. Keller has a very nice, relaxed tone himself, and I wish he might have read his own book.

What’s an idea from the book that you will remember?

The core idea in this book that helped me the most is the comparison of our submission to our mate, to Christ's submission to his Father. Nothing we can willingly defer to our spouse is as great as the gift He gave all of us in his death on the cross. We are not doormats or slaves, but loving, sacrificial gift-givers, imitating the way of Jesus. This contrasts dramatically with what our culture teaches today, namely, that marriage is all about me and my own fulfillment -- a sure recipe for frustration, pain, and failure.Mr. Keller says this all much better than I do...

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Reteaching Myself What Marriage Is

What other book might you compare The Meaning of Marriage to and why?

Similar to Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas & This Momentary Marriage by John Piper--- all 3 of these are amazing & worth reading.

Any additional comments?

I got engaged 7 months ago & I'm getting married this month... It's amazing what I thought marriage was 7 months ago. And why I thought we were getting married.
Although my parents & my fiancée parents have amazing marriages, I was fearful of marriage & mostly fearful of conflict & divorce! Our culture hates marriage & tears it down in media-- and reading this book gave me a whole new view on divorce and...the meaning of marriage, of course. This book is amazing for those who've been married for years too, but I wanted to write a review for the engaged. Those of you who haven't even begun this race, like me, this is an amazing start. Along with Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas & This Momentary Marriage by John Piper. These books will give a really clear picture of what God designed marriage to be, without any mystery. I'm thankful to be starting our marriage with wisdom and understanding thanks to The Meaning Of Marriage.

11 people found this helpful

As good as Keller gets

I've been married for 34 years and still enjoyed this book. It was an interesting and fun listen. The Kellers are authentic and transparent in the stories they share. I especially liked "breaking the wedding china". As always, Keller dips deep into C.S. Lewis as well as a variety of other authors. I also own the print edition and enjoy the sources at the end of the book.

9 people found this helpful

a book only for christians

What could have made this a 4 or 5-star listening experience for you?

As an agnostic dating a christian, considering marriage I was suggested this book. It is hard to imagine a book more likely to turn me away from marriage.

The author initiates the book based on a niave recounting of statistics followed by arguments like marriage counselling advice changes every year yet the Bible has been the same for thousands of years and used by millions of couples so it should be the authority on marriage. If I were a christian I would probably not have a problem with that statement since all of christian faith seems to revolve around justifying why a book written thousands of years ago by many people with disjoint concepts of reality somehow has relevance in a world those people could not have even begun to imagine.

The author spends some time discussing how seeming impossible marriages between two couples have turned to lasting lifelong marriages. These mariages are all very disconcerting since the "huge" differences the couples face are those in which one party may feel inclined to wake up the day with praise and worship while his wife prefers to spend the evening in prayerful meditation. Oh God, I don't know how such a couple could ever have a hope of surviving!

I admit that I have only gotten through the first couple of hours into the book. I assume that at some point in the book the author plans on getting into something not depressing. I might update this review at that point.

4 people found this helpful

Just what everyone needs for a great marriage!

Would you recommend this audiobook to a friend? If so, why?

I have already recommended this to 5 friends. This is a life changer. It is an excellent book that gives practical advice and reassuring views.

4 people found this helpful

Solid biblical view of marriage.

What about Lloyd James and Marguerite Gavin ’s performance did you like?

Very good. Easy to follow and natural.

Any additional comments?

I loved how he explained how marriage was a picture of the gospel and how God uses marriage to sanctify us. I view my marriage in a different light now.

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One of the best marriage books I have read!

I have read several books on marriage...even though I am happily married there is always room for improvement! I think this book is an excellent resource for long married, newly married, or anyone who will at some point be married. It is very practical and helps you understand what marriage is all about, not just "being in love", but actually acting out that love.
I would have preferred Timothy Keller to read it himself as the male narrator is a bit dry and mechanical, but other than that it is good stuff!

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Very Academic, very dry, a lot of good truths

This had to be one of the most difficult marraige books my wife and I have ever read/ listened to. We were forced to go through the study with a newly wed group. maybe if we had read the book, but the narrators voices and way that they read (monotone like the dry eyes guy) made the academia that much more unbearable. also as a study for newly weds this would not even be close to my 100th recommendation. This book is best suited for teachers and pastors who are looking for a very high academic level of instruction so that they can break it down and in turn teach a more applicable version to their students/ laymen. I highly recommend looking into other books written by other doctors such as Love and Respect for starters.

3 people found this helpful

Good but not for everyone

What did you love best about The Meaning of Marriage?

Outlines a Christian plan for marriage, what it means, how to go about it, and what value it can provide.

Who was your favorite character and why?

N/A

Any additional comments?

I definitely learned things from this book and am glad I listened. As background, I am a late twenties professional living in a large city and have recently married. I grew up Presbyterian so I thought a book by a Presbyterian pastor who has a large church filled with younger people in NYC would be great for me. While the author is Presbyterian he is more conservative than most. I consider myself fairly open-minded and progressive and the author definitely said things I found a bit offensive.

His view of marriage and the bible is quite literal (not saying this is a bad thing), and he often can't go a sentence without quoting the bible. Maybe it would be different if I were reading instead of listening but I sometimes found it difficult to follow his logic since he often only says a few words before another bible quote. I also found it interesting that he quotes the bible like mad but then in one chapter when he basically summarized the entire "Five Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman he never even mentioned who the author was or that such a book existed. I have read this book as well but had I not I might have thought Rev. Keller made up the idea himself.

I realize this review sounds quite negative, but I still gave the book 4/5 stars. I think it is a worthwhile listen and if you are a more conservative Christian you will probably find it resonates very well with you. I probably won't share this book with my husband since he is not very religious.

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