Caution is needed

The book is very definite and sure as to who is the abusive person, and why they behave like this, And that
they should be given rigid limits.
My wife did use a lot this kind of verbal/ emotional patterns of guilt, anger withdrawal mentioned in the book.
Listening to the book made me be very hard on my limits to this and my right for respect.
This book is very definite about it.
I thought my wife was abusive, and maybe it was somewhat true,
But after couple counseling, I realized that some actual things that were disturbing her, and it was not only to
gain control over me. Also the therapist recommended actually to ignore much of this communication (when I ignore it
it doesn't mean I accept it. I just dont fight all the time). I also need to improve my own behavior.
My point is that if you just want to separate, then no problem. If you read this book, its definite tone, might make you angry and righteous. If you want to give a chance to improve your relationships, you can listen to it. But you might want to have some different points of view also, from other books maybe, or counseling.
You may easily get the wrong impression that your relationship is abusive or there is no repair, when it might not be abusive, and it might be repaired.
All is individual of course, and depends on your own relationship.
Maybe your relationship is abusive and unlikely to be repaired
My relationship did improve a lot, and is improving still, although I was very desperate.
Another point is that even according to this book there is something you do that enables this relationship to happen.
And it might be hard and take time recognise to improve. Just blaming and separating might take you to a similar relationship.

15 people found this helpful

Written Primarily for Women

I am a man struggling with a verbally abusive relationship. At the beginning of the book, she says, basically, if you're a man dealing with abuse, switch the "he/him" for "she/her." That's the last time she addresses men as the abused, other than to say that verbally abusive women rarely change. What good news for me, right?! Don't get me wrong, this book was helpful. As it went on though, I started to tire of having to switch the "he" and "she" for my situation. There are lots of other areas where the book is un-relatable as man. I think the dynamic is way different when a man is the abused and I think it warrants its own book. It's obvious that she doesn't find that dynamic important enough and that got a little old towards the end of the book after listening to everything from the other point of view.

8 people found this helpful

Saved me!

This book was what I needed. I never understood abuse for what it is. This book explained it and gave me the tools that I needed to self protect. “Abusive statements are lies about you told to you. They violate your boundaries. The abuser invades your mind makes up a story about your motives and then tells it to you. Accusing and blaming involves lies about your intentions, attitude, motives. Makes you want to explain yourself. “

“Judgments and criticism are lies about ones qualities and performance. They are blows to self-esteem. Defining you violates your personal boundaries. “

7 people found this helpful

SAVE YOURSELF, YOUR SOUL, SPIRIT, AND BRAIN. BUY!

narrator was slow but speed up to 1.05 or such.
if your reading these reviews you started to climb out of the rabbit hole. This is your rope cast down that hole. grab onto it and pull yourself out. everything you think, thought and feel is presented. It will at least help you to ACCEPT you are not crazy which you already kind of figuresd out. some of the techniques you may or may not use but this book will send you on the path to get out. I also recommend safe people and boundaries when you want to exam further how to engage in healthy ways of relating. 2 good books. But right now get your mind back. do not be hopeful you can save the relationship right now worry about your sanity. GET THIS NOW.

6 people found this helpful

Full of generalizations, NOT peer reviewed!

I don't even know where to start. The author claims to be an expert but does not have the educational background in any therapy related area. The entire book is just her opinions and personal experience. She is not a licensed therapist or counselor. Few of her claims if any are based on research or peer reviewed studies. It's full of generalizations about men, women and gender roles.. Please do your research on this author! Being on a few talk shows and owning a company does not make one an expert on relationships.

5 people found this helpful

Sexist views in this book are not acceptable

Why this book is sexist? Through all of the book abuser is depicted as a man (he), and victim as a woman (she). All of the examples have this template, as well as everything else from beginning to the end. At the beginning of this audiobook author claims the majority of verbal abusers are men but she doesn’t quote any statistics or any study to validate such important claim. Even if it is so, and many man do have opposing life experience, does it justify to have such one-sided presentation of the problem within entirety of the book? No, even if most verbal abusers are man, this is no justification for such a biased approach.

Therefore this book has sexist agenda and doesn’t represent both sexes in balanced and just way.

3 people found this helpful

Life changing

This book has opened my eyes! I found myself agreeing with the situations she explained, I kept thinking, “this is me!” I learned that I am experiencing verbal abuse and I recognize it quickly. I’m still working on how to confront my abuser, I’m going to read her next book to learn more and hopefully feel liberated in my relationship instead of feeling tied down.

Good insight, hit or miss analysis

The author does an excellent job of identifying verbal abuse. Because most of her experience is with women she describes the abuser as male and the victim as female but says men listening can simply reverse the roles. This is fair. She then blames all abuse on the patriarchy with an assist by religion. How patriarchy relates to abusive women is never explained. There is good insight to be gained from this book.

An awakening with answers

I always knew something was wrong with my marriage. I am a strong woman so it made sense to me that our relationship had to endure power struggle. My feelings saved me and this book gave me the why. The abuse at first was reasonable to me and mostly he had me convinced that I lack the skills for a good marriage. I had turned into a pleaser walking on egg shells and avoiding certain subjects and worst of all, I taught my daughter to do the same. There were times I thought I was crazy and there was a time when I asked God to take me from this earth. This being my second marriage I was embarrassed to admit failure yet again, every anniversary felt fake not joyous. It took 24 years to find my strength but I finally know what to do. If you are dating or engaged, read this book. If you are single, read this book. If like me something was always ‘off’ in your marriage, I beg you to read this book. Don’t let the attitude of your marriage destroy the future relationships your children will have. Abuse stops now.

Validating and helpful.

Thia book opened my eyes and gave me so many strategies to stand up for myself and realize my painful situation. It validated all my feelings and finally gave it a name.