We all think we have a type, tall and outdoorsy, witty and bookish, maybe even someone who can fold a fitted sheet. But what if “your type” isn’t destiny? What if it’s clay, malleable, reshaped by your experiences and choices?

In this episode of Better Relationships Through Research, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks a new study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that literally rewired people’s romantic preferences. The findings reveal that attraction isn’t a fixed script, it’s more like jazz: improvisational, adaptive, and deeply influenced by the values you choose to emphasize.

Daniel explores:

- Why “ideal partner preferences” matter in relationship science

- How our minds reframe traits, seeing flaws as quirks or strengths

- The two big forces at work: motivated projection (seeing more of what you value in your partner) and situation selection (choosing environments where those traits thrive)

- Why attraction lists often fail in real life, and how to focus on safety, connection, and being truly seen

- The takeaway? Your type is flexible. It bends with your experiences, with what you choose to value, and with how you decide to see your partner.

✨ Support Daniel’s Work

If this podcast or Daniel’s blog has sparked reflection or given you tools for your own relationships, consider supporting his work.

You can now make micro-donations through Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, or Cash App—with direct links available in the footer of Daniel’s website.

Regular supporters also gain access to private posts and deeper dives into the research behind love and intimacy.

Romantic comedies sell us the myth of instant compatibility, find your soulmate, cue the fireworks, and live happily ever after. But real couples know love doesn’t just arrive fully formed; it’s something you grow into.

In this solo episode of Better Relationships Through Research, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks what decades of psychology research reveals about how partners truly shape each other over time. From positive illusions that soften our view of each other’s quirks, to the Michelangelo Effect that shows how couples sculpt one another’s best selves, Daniel explores why long-term love is less about perfection and more about growth.

You’ll hear about:

- Why happy couples don’t see each other with “cold-eyed objectivity”

- How attraction and even “our type” bend to fit the partner we choose

- What supportive chiseling looks like versus controlling critique

- The science of self-expansion: how two lives intertwine into a shared future

- At its core, this episode reveals why “growing into your partner” isn’t a consolation prize, it’s the quiet mechanism that makes commitment last.

✨ Support Daniel’s Work

If Daniel’s blog or podcast has been meaningful to you, consider supporting with a small donation.

New micro-donation options are now available directly through Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, and Cash App. You’ll find the links in the footer of Daniel’s website, where regular supporters will also gain access to private posts and deeper dives.

Healthy relationships don’t always sound dramatic. Often, they sound like quiet understanding in the kitchen, like a pause in the middle of conflict, or like a gentle “That makes sense.” In this follow-up to his previous episode on relationship language, Daniel Dashnaw shares seven more phrases emotionally secure people say, and what they reveal about trust, connection, and repair.

From “I don’t need you to fix it” to “How can I love you better right now?” each phrase is rooted in attachment science, co-regulation, and the ethics of care. Daniel explores how these everyday words aren’t just nice, they’re neuroscience-backed signals of real emotional safety and partnership.

💬 if you’re a therapist, in a relationship, or just trying to love better, this episode offers real-world language that fosters deeper intimacy and secure functioning.

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Want to support Daniel’s ad-free, research-based podcast?

You can now buy him a coffee through the link in the footer of his website. Every micro-contribution helps keep this work going.