We all think we have a type, tall and outdoorsy, witty and bookish, maybe even someone who can fold a fitted sheet. But what if “your type” isn’t destiny? What if it’s clay, malleable, reshaped by your experiences and choices?

In this episode of Better Relationships Through Research, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks a new study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that literally rewired people’s romantic preferences. The findings reveal that attraction isn’t a fixed script, it’s more like jazz: improvisational, adaptive, and deeply influenced by the values you choose to emphasize.

Daniel explores:

- Why “ideal partner preferences” matter in relationship science

- How our minds reframe traits, seeing flaws as quirks or strengths

- The two big forces at work: motivated projection (seeing more of what you value in your partner) and situation selection (choosing environments where those traits thrive)

- Why attraction lists often fail in real life, and how to focus on safety, connection, and being truly seen

- The takeaway? Your type is flexible. It bends with your experiences, with what you choose to value, and with how you decide to see your partner.

✨ Support Daniel’s Work

If this podcast or Daniel’s blog has sparked reflection or given you tools for your own relationships, consider supporting his work.

You can now make micro-donations through Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, or Cash App—with direct links available in the footer of Daniel’s website.

Regular supporters also gain access to private posts and deeper dives into the research behind love and intimacy.

Romantic comedies sell us the myth of instant compatibility, find your soulmate, cue the fireworks, and live happily ever after. But real couples know love doesn’t just arrive fully formed; it’s something you grow into.

In this solo episode of Better Relationships Through Research, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks what decades of psychology research reveals about how partners truly shape each other over time. From positive illusions that soften our view of each other’s quirks, to the Michelangelo Effect that shows how couples sculpt one another’s best selves, Daniel explores why long-term love is less about perfection and more about growth.

You’ll hear about:

- Why happy couples don’t see each other with “cold-eyed objectivity”

- How attraction and even “our type” bend to fit the partner we choose

- What supportive chiseling looks like versus controlling critique

- The science of self-expansion: how two lives intertwine into a shared future

- At its core, this episode reveals why “growing into your partner” isn’t a consolation prize, it’s the quiet mechanism that makes commitment last.

✨ Support Daniel’s Work

If Daniel’s blog or podcast has been meaningful to you, consider supporting with a small donation.

New micro-donation options are now available directly through Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, and Cash App. You’ll find the links in the footer of Daniel’s website, where regular supporters will also gain access to private posts and deeper dives.

Healthy relationships don’t always sound dramatic. Often, they sound like quiet understanding in the kitchen, like a pause in the middle of conflict, or like a gentle “That makes sense.” In this follow-up to his previous episode on relationship language, Daniel Dashnaw shares seven more phrases emotionally secure people say, and what they reveal about trust, connection, and repair.

From “I don’t need you to fix it” to “How can I love you better right now?” each phrase is rooted in attachment science, co-regulation, and the ethics of care. Daniel explores how these everyday words aren’t just nice, they’re neuroscience-backed signals of real emotional safety and partnership.

💬 if you’re a therapist, in a relationship, or just trying to love better, this episode offers real-world language that fosters deeper intimacy and secure functioning.

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Want to support Daniel’s ad-free, research-based podcast?

You can now buy him a coffee through the link in the footer of his website. Every micro-contribution helps keep this work going.

In this monologue episode, Daniel Dashnaw shares seven phrases that reveal the heart of a healthy relationship, not just in words, but in how they shape the nervous system, build trust, and support lasting connection.

From “I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells with you” to “Let’s figure out how this fits into both of our lives,” Daniel explores what these statements really mean, and why they matter. Drawing on clinical insight and attachment science, he explains how language can reflect deep safety, co-regulation, and secure functioning in partnerships.

are you building a new relationship or strengthening a long-term one? These seven statements can become guideposts for emotional attunement and resilient love.

Want to support Daniel’s work?

You can now buy him a coffee via the link in the footer of his website. Every micro-contribution helps keep this podcast ad-free and deeply researched.

In this episode of Better Relationships Through Research, Daniel sits down with renowned educator, author, and therapist Dr. Linda Metcalf, PhD. With decades of experience in both clinical settings and public education, Linda brings a refreshing, compassionate lens to therapy and school systems alike.

Together, they explore:

✅ The origin and power of Solution-Focused Narrative Therapy

✅ How to engage neurodivergent clients and couples using postmodern approaches

✅ The essential role of language, curiosity, and emotional safety in school settings

✅ Why teacher burnout affects students—and how to rehumanize classrooms

✅ Her work training entire schools to shift from punishment to curiosity and connection

✅ What we can learn from the “throwaway kids” who thrive when given a voice

✅ Her belief that resistance doesn’t exist—only the need for more flexible therapists

Whether you're a clinician, educator, parent, or simply someone curious about reshaping systems for better connection, this conversation is rich with heart, strategy, and hope.

In this Monologue episode, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw explores one of the most emotionally charged topics in modern relationships: the invisible mental load.

From meal planning and remembering birthdays to managing household logistics and emotional weather, many partners—often women—carry an unspoken weight that goes unacknowledged until it explodes. Daniel walks listeners through why this conversation so often triggers defensiveness and how to have it differently: with vulnerability, clarity, and a shared desire to rebalance the partnership.

You’ll learn:

• Why the phrase “Why didn’t you just ask?” can be so triggering
• How cultural patterns and relational dynamics shape the mental load
• A 5-step framework for talking about shared responsibility without blame
• What true mental co-ownership looks like—and how to invite it

Whether you’re feeling burned out, unseen, or just ready for deeper teamwork, this episode offers a compassionate guide to preserving love before resentment takes root.

Visit www.danielcouplestherapy.com for more writing, or connect with Daniel on Instagram.

You may have seen the headline: Divorced and unmarried people have less cognitive decline than those who are married. Surprising? Yes. But is it true?

In this solo monologue, therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks a widely circulated study from Florida State University that claims being single may protect your brain. Daniel takes a critical look at the methodology behind the research—highlighting its failure to distinguish marital status from marital quality—and explains why the nuance really matters.

Through clinical insight and common sense, Daniel offers a more grounded perspective on how intimate relationships affect cognitive health, memory, and well-being over time. He explores how loving partnerships can serve as emotional anchors and cognitive mirrors, helping us track changes, reduce stress, and live longer, fuller lives.

This is a must-listen for anyone curious about the real science behind relationships and longevity—without the media spin.

📝 Read more about Daniels views on relationships on his blog at danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com

🎧 Better Relationships Through Research is available wherever you get your podcasts.

In this episode of Better Relationships Through Research, Daniel sits down with internationally recognized psychotherapist Rick Miller, LICSW. Known for his pioneering work with gay men and experiential therapy, Rick brings his decades of clinical experience to an honest and deeply insightful conversation about emotional connection, sexuality, intimacy, and the evolving dynamics of open relationships.

Together, they explore:

• How mindfulness and body awareness can enhance relationship work
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• Why some gay couples succeed in navigating open relationships—and what straight couples can learn from them
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• The emotional labor behind non-monogamy
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• Why therapists need to be trained in sexual health
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• Rick’s new workbook, Opening Up: A Communication Workbook for Male Couples (Available April 17 at https://www.rickmiller.biz/opening-up)
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• The importance of being honest about professional limitations—and why some therapists should refer clients elsewhere when it comes to sexual complexity
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Whether you’re a therapist, a couple navigating modern intimacy, or simply curious about the edges of relational growth, this conversation is full of wisdom, compassion, and refreshing honesty.

Timestamps:

00:00 – Introduction to Rick Miller and his clinical background

01:22 – Rick’s upcoming workbook: Opening Up for Male Couples

02:07 – Experiential therapy, mindfulness, and emotional attunement

03:27 – QR code meditations & integrating tech in therapy

04:34 – Keynote talk preview: “Learning from Gay Male Couples”

05:21 – Therapist missteps in handling open relationships

06:18 – Building frameworks from clinical intuition vs. research

08:03 – Sliding door analogy for non-monogamy

09:31 – Emotional labor and open relationships

11:03 – Real-world examples of navigating polyamory and openness

14:10 – Historical context of gay male sexuality

16:01 – Esther Perel, Michel Weiner-Davis, and evolving views on infidelity

18:13 – The tension between honesty, mystery, and disclosure

19:28 – Monogamy, culture, and shifting generational values

20:48 – Rick's evolution in couples therapy and LGBTQ+ dynamics

22:15 – Stories of real couples navigating love, loss, and renewal

25:09 – Restoring intimacy and communication in long-term relationships

26:16 – Encounter with Michele Weiner-Davis & challenging therapist stereotypes

27:53 – Surveillance culture and privacy in relationships

28:47 – Sexual disconnection in long-term partnerships

30:11 – Realistic expectations for sexual intimacy over time

31:09 – Rick’s reflections on writing the new workbook

33:00 – Visibility and support for gay male couples in literature

36:14 – Outsourcing open relationship work to specialists

37:06 – Merging sexuality and psychotherapy: a growing movement

39:16 – Resources for therapists seeking training in sexual health

40:23 – The rise of modern, inclusive therapists

41:07 – The need for more authentic dialogue about sex

42:21 – Rick’s nonprofit Gay Sons & Mothers and upcoming film

43:18 – Closing thoughts and gratitude

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If you enjoyed this conversation, be sure to visit Daniel’s blog and website for more articles, interviews, and insights exploring the intersections of research, intimacy, and therapeutic growth.

Subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone you know navigating the evolving landscape of modern relationships.