There's a myth about the ending of relationships: fire, heat, arguments, affairs.

But only about a quarter of divorces occur because of an affair. Half of couples stay together after one of them strays.

The reality is that something more depressing is taking place: the slow, sad decline of once-decent relationships into disappointment and loneliness. 1 in 10 are stuck in what they describe as loveless marriages. 15% of people wish they'd married someone else. An even bigger percentage describe being in sexless relationships.

Why do we end up making each other so unhappy? What goes wrong? How do you identify if you're in one of those relationships, and what should you do about it?

Big topics for Matt and Graham to consider in this episode of Crazy In Love.

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So much of the complexity of relationship advice can be simplified into four words (or five, if you're being pedantic): Don't Be A Jerk.

Of course, the reality is a bit more complex than that.

Matt and Graham talk in today's episode mainly about the single biggest killer of relationships: contempt. What is it? How does it develop in relationships? How can you see it when it's present? And how do you work your way back towards respecting and liking each other when contempt is present?

The Psychology Today blogpost discussed in today's episode is available here.

You've probably heard of it: the Three-Hour Evening.

It’s the latest couples’ hack and involves splitting the evening into chunks – including an hour without phones.

What's not to like? Do your chores, have some couples' time, have some alone time. Perfect.

But who are these mysterious people with young children who have THREE HOURS of time every evening to fill? And, joking aside, even if you only have one hour, does it make sense to split it in the way the Three-Hour Evening suggests?

Matt and Graham dive in, and find that there are some surprisingly useful nuggets of truth here....

Graham and Matt continue a short series on neurodiversity and relationships by exploring autism.

Autism diagnoses have gone up 800% in the last few decades. The male to female ratio has shrunk from 4:1 to 2:1. Most of the explosion in diagnoses has occurred at the milder end of the autism spectrum. Social media is rife with videos celebrating inaccurate versions of "autism" and claiming it as an identity.

So what's going on here? How does autism manifest in relationships? What behaviours would you notice if a partner was autistic?

How can couples talk about autism? And, like with ADHD, how much can you expect change in a relationship where one person has with a diagnosis?

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Graham and Matt begin a short series on neurodiversity and relationships by focusing on ADHD.

What actually is ADHD? How does it show up in relationships? What behaviours would you notice even if you or your partner don't have a formal diagnosis?

How can couples talk about ADHD without it feeling like one partner's "problem" to solve? And how much can you expect change in a relationship where one person has with an ADHD diagnosis? What happens if you're both neurodiverse?

The episode covers the parent-child dynamic in relationships and how to break out of that cycle to something healthier.

Calories in, calories out. Harm reduction in substance abuse. Tiny improvements, day in, day out. All very sensible - but can modest, realistic interventions drive genuine transformation in your relationship?

Matt and Graham argue that yes, you can achieve a lot with relatively little. A small number of couples therapy sessions, with some key interventions, can transform an unhappy relationship.

But what are those interventions and how do you practice them?

In the modern world, we are told to look for romantic partners who "complete" us. They should not only be someone who we love, but also someone who encourages us to live our best life, to achieve our individual goals and self-actualise.

This is a big shift in the last fifty years. We're increasingly sceptical of relationships like the Clintons built on security and shared socio-economic or career interests.

Are we asking too much of our relationships? Can we expect one person to offer us security, help us raise our children, but also be exciting and dynamic and help us grow as individuals? Can love absorb all these expectations? If we are asking too much, how do we shift our expectations in more realistic but healthy directions?

Matt and Graham try to weave their way through these tricky questions in today's episode.

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Big "T" trauma. Little "t" trauma. The likes of Gabor Maté and Bessel Van Der Kolk have brought the understanding of trauma far beyond the field of mental health and into everyday life.

But what actually is trauma? How does it impact people's personalities?

If everything difficult is labelled trauma, does that dilute our understanding and treatment of it?

And, of course - how does trauma manifest in relationships? What are the links between trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences? Between trauma and attachment styles?

How do couples deal with their trauma in healthy ways?

All this and more covered by Graham and Matt in this episode of Crazy In Love.

Contact us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com