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Joe Ryan is an Inner Work Coach. Joe specializes in helping individuals overcome childhood trauma, emotional paralysis, and limiting family system roles to rediscover their authentic selves.

Joe helps clients confront suppressed emotions such as pain, shame, and fear, fostering self-compassion and authenticity to break free from past trauma and live more fulfilling lives.

Book a Free Coaching Session

⁠https://joeryan.com.⁠

Empowering Individuals To Break Free From Childhood Programming, Emotional Paralysis, and Family System Roles. This is not traditional talk therapy. Inner Work Coaching is a raw, honest, personalized experience.

Book a Free Coaching Session

https://joeryan.com.

Empowering Individuals To Break Free From Childhood Programming, Emotional Paralysis, and Family System Roles. This is not traditional talk therapy. Inner Work Coaching is a raw, real, personalized experience.

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Understanding and Healing Trauma: A Guide to Emotional Freedom

In this episode of "It's Not You, It's Your Trauma," Joe Ryan explores the profound connection between trauma, fear, and connection. He emphasizes that many of us avoid uncomfortable feelings—whether through busyness, substances, or distraction—because we're afraid of our body's reactions and the pain they bring.

Joe highlights that our deep desire for connection often clashes with our fear of intimacy, especially if we've experienced childhood neglect or abuse. This disconnect from ourselves manifests as anxiety, panic, shame, and emotional numbness. To heal, he advocates for getting comfortable with discomfort by intentionally sitting with our feelings, particularly in quiet, safe environments. This exposure helps tame the "beast" of unresolved trauma.

He stresses that addiction is often a misguided attempt to numb these feelings, but ultimately, every addiction fails and worsens emotional suffering. Instead, Ryan encourages reconnecting with the "inner child"—the vulnerable part of ourselves that was silenced or abandoned in childhood—and integrating these suppressed emotions into our adult consciousness.

The process involves recognizing that feelings are energy in motion that need to be felt and released. Avoidance only deepens the pain and shrinks our world. Through mindful presence, breathing into discomfort, and allowing ourselves to feel, we can begin to heal and reclaim emotional freedom. Ryan assures that while this work can be challenging, it is essential for long-term well-being and authenticity.

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It’s Not You - It’s Your Codependency

Years ago, I was trapped in a cycle of disappointments and betrayals, constantly searching outside myself to fill the voids left by my upbringing. It was a painful realization: relying on others to heal childhood wounds never truly worked. Growing up in a codependent family system, I often felt alone, even when surrounded by people. These dynamics stifled my personal growth, kept me emotionally dependent on others—especially that negative parent—and pulled me deeper into toxic relationships. Does this sound familiar?

We should have been taught independence, autonomy, and self-reliance. We should have been prepared to enter the world with confidence and competence—but we weren’t. If you’ve ever wondered why, consider this: Do you know how powerful it is for a parent to have a child who needs them for validation? That’s addictive. More powerful than any drug. And it makes you easy to exploit and manipulate.

Every disappointment, every betrayal, every hurt—it’s all just another lesson. When you don’t believe you can function on your own, you seek out relationships to compensate for that incompetence. You look for someone to take care of you, to fill the void when things get too hard, to handle the issues you don’t want to face. And then, when they leave, you’re right back where you started. The cycle repeats.

It’s time to start rooting for yourself and fighting for yourself. Stop wasting your energy on people who will never complete you. The painful truth is that no one else can fill the voids left from childhood. But once you accept that, you can begin breaking free from toxic patterns. You can reclaim your life, stand confidently on your own, and experience the empowerment that comes from truly knowing yourself.

The goal isn’t to need people—it’s to want them. And when you finally prove to yourself that you don’t need anyone else to survive in this world, that’s when you’ll be truly ready for genuine, healthy relationships.

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It’s Not You – It’s Your Reluctance to Change

Gaslighting isn't just a word—it's a way of life for some people. They thrive in toxic relationships where happiness hinges on external validation. They lack self-respect, self-discipline, and self-love. They don't love at all—they take hostages. But here’s the truth: the prison door is open. You can walk out anytime you want. The only thing holding you back is fear. It’s time to take responsibility and rediscover your self-respect.

Gaslighting often stems from the perpetrator's own unresolved issues, but the power to lessen its effects lies within you. Changing your reactions can disrupt harmful patterns and create space for growth—not only for yourself but for those around you.

Waiting for others to change is a losing game. Instead, focus on your own personal growth and self-acceptance. These are the tools you need to navigate and neutralize toxic dynamics effectively. When you emerge on the other side, gaslighting will lose its grip on you—because you simply won’t care anymore.

If you want a better life, start by getting to know yourself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. The deeper your self-awareness, the freer you become.

They are stuck in time, and so are you. But gaslighting is no longer anyone else’s responsibility except yours. Reclaim your self-worth, break free from the cycle, and step into a life defined by authenticity and inner peace.

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It’s Not You—It’s Our Childhood Experiences

Growing up, many of us felt the sting of neglect and carried the silent burden of our caregivers' unmet needs. This often molded us into perfectionists, constructing facades to ensure those around us were happy so we wouldn't face isolation or emotional banishment. As children, we learned that our sense of worth was tied to their approval, never understanding how to feel okay with ourselves if they weren't okay with us. As adults, we unknowingly replay these patterns in our relationships, prioritizing the love and validation of others over self-love. This realization is the true lightbulb moment.

Understanding how these childhood experiences shape our adult relationships can reveal why we sometimes drift toward isolation. Embracing the courage to let others in and reveal the parts of ourselves we've been taught to hide is daunting, yet liberating. The journey to vulnerability may feel terrifying, but it’s where we begin to heal and discover the power of self-belonging and self-care, mending our internal voids and building resilience against loss and rejection.

This journey isn’t just about personal growth; it’s about connecting with a community that values the risks of being seen authentically. Can fear and vulnerability actually strengthen your relationships? The answer is a resounding yes.

Self-hate and shame keep us trapped, sabotaging our relationships and keeping us from genuine connection. Most of us hesitate to let others in, afraid they’ll see beyond our polished exterior. But that mask only perpetuates our isolation. It’s time to let go of the façade and find the courage to gradually remove it, allowing ourselves to be truly seen.

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It’s Not You—It’s Your Lack of Boundaries

True progress in your healing journey isn’t measured by avoiding what hurt you but by how you handle returning to places that once caused you the most pain. It’s time to move beyond blame and victimhood and embrace your personal power.

The key to overcoming childhood wounds lies in understanding that your past does not control your future. Your self-worth and emotional intelligence are entirely within your hands. Healing is an internal process—one that doesn’t rely on the validation or acceptance of those who raised you.

Let’s address the emotional challenge of setting boundaries and the discomfort that comes with it. When you set boundaries, anxiety and fear often arise, but rather than turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, visualize these feelings and acknowledge them. This is the path to breaking the cycles of avoidance and shame.

By learning to self-soothe and clearly communicate your boundaries, you’ll discover how empowering it is to no longer depend on external validation. You’ll reclaim your emotional independence and break free from old patterns of relying on others to determine your worth.

Right now, an emotional battle is taking place within you—but the power to change it starts with boundaries. It’s time to reclaim your peace and take control of your emotional well-being.

Producer: Shelby Buckler

Joe Ryan will host a sixty-minute Q&A session via Zoom once a month with limited spots to ensure full participation. If you'd like to join the discussion, please fill out the form below to receive an email notification when registration opens one week before the next scheduled session.
Topics: Trauma, False Self, Family Systems, Addiction,
Anxiety, Shame, Emotional Incest, Setting Boundaries

Sign Up Here: https://joeryan.com/qanda