In my old garden, there was a bush that was so wildly overgrown that nothing else could fit. When I cut it back, it looked bare and wounded, but over time, it filled out beautifully while I was also able to add dozens of new plants. That’s what recovery feels like. I’ve been removing the unhealthy stuff that doesn’t serve me to make room for new growth. But pruning I’ve found is easier if I do it often. If I ignore it, things become unmanageable again, and I’m blind to the overgrowth. My character defects work the same way. If I don’t make time for self-reflection, I start missing what’s right in front of me (and inside of me).

Self-awareness requires slowing down long enough to see what I’ve been walking past every day. It’s like realizing the back of the bedroom door is filthy only when you finally close it and turn on the light. I don’t see it unless I’m looking for it. In recovery, I’m willing to take daily inventory, even when it’s uncomfortable. I can’t clean up what I refuse to see. Pruning spiritually, emotionally, and mentally is how I make space for new growth in my life.

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Being honest about how I feel is tricky when sometimes I don’t even know. My depression, anxiety, and old patterns of thinking can be deceiving, convincing me that nothing is wrong when I’m actually really struggling. It reminds me of alcoholism itself. The very disease that was killing me was also the disease keeping me from seeing I was sick. Sometimes I’m ignoring something on purpose, but often I’m avoiding or postponing without even realizing it.

I’ve noticed that sometimes I’m white-knuckle my own fists, not gripping anything at all. It’s like clenching my jaw with TMJ. When I notice it and unclench, that’s surrender. I’m letting go. Recovery works the same way. Every time I loosen my grip and admit my true feelings, I’m surrendering. Only then can I see what’s happening inside me and take action to respond. Honesty is a minute-by-minute practice of opening my hands, unclenching my jaw, and letting go of what was never mine to control.

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This morning I was reminded of the vicious cycle of my alcoholism. I’d wake after just a few hours of being passed out, trembling, sweating, and panicked. I would reach for the leftover tepid glass of wine on my nightstand to calm down and get me back to zero, as I’ve heard fellow alcoholics say. I was caught in a disease that is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I finally reached out for help and someone held on to me, believed in me, and showed me that I could break the cycle. Today, I choose sobriety, over and over again, to live in alignment with my higher power and my program for living.

In the beginning, sobriety felt impossible, foreign, and overwhelming. I didn’t understand the steps or the language, just like starting out in a new job where everyone else seems to know what’s going on. But in time, through showing up, working with others, and practicing daily, it became familiar and even comfortable. I’ve learned that my spiritual life is making continuous choices, moment by moment, to turn the dial back toward faith, hope, and community. Thankfully this program isn’t something I’ll ever graduate from. It’s a lifelong journey and way of life.

Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Rather listen on Apple Podcasts? https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/recovery-daily-podcast/id1693924779

Visit my Etsy shop, and join my creative journey at Recovery Upcycling. https://www.etsy.com/shop/RecoveryUpcycling

To learn more about vestibular disorders visit https://vestibular.org

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