A half-hour- long (plus a bit) Ha'penny Horror 'Hursday minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:48: THE BLACK BAND; OR, THE COMPANIONS OF MIDNIGHT; IN WHICH —:

• The scene cuts back to Lady Edith Merton, now a prisoner in her boudoir and guarded by a trio of burly madhouse matrons. Then she is awakened in the middle of the night for a secret journey to MacLomond Castle, which is to be her own private asylum in Scotland. It’s a damp, gloomy place with watchtowers and a moat. Such surroundings might drive her mad for real, except for one thing — at one of the railroad stations along the way, someone sent her a telegram containing the single word “hope.” Who could have sent it? And why?

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• BULLY ROCKS: Thugs at the service of a brothel madam.
• COLLEGIATES: Penitentiary prisoners.
• KNIGHTS OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellows wandering amok in meadows and ditches, trying to stagger home.
• FLATS: Innocent, not-too-smart persons who are duped by "sharps." In other words, suckers.
• BUMS: Bailiffs.
• CRAPPING COVES: Pronounced "crêpe-ing," it means hangmen, who cause the widows of the criminals they execute to wear crêpe in mourning.
• THE OLD STONE JUG: Newgate Prison, or prisons in general.
• PADDINGTON FAIR: Execution day at Tyburn Tree gallows, which was located in Paddington parish.

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Torrid minisode IN WHICH —

0:01:45: ROSE MORTIMER; or, THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE, Ch. 8, IN WHICH —:

• We return to the estate of Count Lerno. The Count has invited a young man named Edgar Deville to his estate for a week’s debauchery; then he has to run to town for a few days, leaving Edgar at the house. Make yourself at home, the Count tells him; but, do not enter the blocked-off portion of the house. Do you think young Edgar will be able to resist the temptation to investigate? And what will be the consequence if he does? We shall see …

0:15:40: TWO SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "Venus and the Devil; or, The Fiery Tail!" which was a jocular song about the alleged Satanic origins of venereal disease;
• "The Fresh-water Cods." A cock-and-hen-club song about a pair of skinnydipping maidens, and their adventures with a pair of strange-looking fish sticking up out of the water, which turned out to be attached to a pair of local young men ...

0:22:10: THREE DIRTY JOKES ... followed by ...

0:26:40: TWO CLEAN JOKES.

Join host Corinthian Finn, a.k.a. Finn J.D. John, for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• ACADEMICIANS: Bordello girls
• COLLEGIATES: Penitentiary prisoners
• KNIGHTS OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellows wandering amok in meadows and ditches, trying to stagger home.

• CHICKSTERS: Flamboyant ladies, often prostitutes
• LADYBIRDS: Another term for chicksters
• BULLY ROCKS: Brothel muscle men
• ABBESS: Brothel madam
• MOTHER H: A famous abbess from the 1830s
• BOLT THE MOON: Fly by night
• BEAKS: Magistrates and judges

Episode 13 of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode (released a few hours early) IN WHICH —

01:50: MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 8:

• In which: “Mr. Walter Sydney”’s real name is, we learn, Eliza. She comes to her meeting with Mr. Stephens hoping for more information about what his plans are. She is worried that maybe her powers are being used for some kind of evil … well … are they?

19:20: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• Lady Beresford's childhood friend, Lord Tyrone, appeared at her bedside one night. He had just died, and had appeared to her to warn her, so that she could avoid the fate that lay before her — to marry a cruel man and die young in childbirth. But would she have the strength to change her destiny?

35:45: THE VAMPYRE, by Dr. John Polidori (Part 2 of 3):

• IN WHICH: Our hero, Mr. Aubrey, falls in love with the lovely Greek maiden Ianthe, as he ranges around ancient Greece studying the ruins and antiquities. But when she begs him to be back before sunset from a visit that takes him through a certain forest thicket, and he’s distracted and runs a bit late, he has no idea what terrible things will result …

PLUS —

• We explore a "broadside ballad" published in 1850: "The Answer to the Wife's Dream" and "Woodman, Spare That Tree" ...

• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

EPISODE ART is from The Vampyre, and shows the search party finding the body of the vampyre's fair victim.

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Knowing cards: What we might today call "smart cookies" — people who are sharp and on the ball.
• Lawful blankets: Legally married spouses.
• Knights of the Brush and Moon: Drunken fellows wandering amok by moonlight in fields and ditches, trying to stagger home.
• Lambskin Men: Judges.

• Pike off: Run away
• Red waistcoat: Uniform apparel of the Bow-street Runners, an early London police force replaced by the New Model Police (who dressed in blue rather than red) in 1839.
• Rum te tum with the chill off: Most emphatically excellent.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:11: SWEENEY TODD, THE BARBER OF FLEET-STREET, Ch. 57; IN WHICH —:

• Sir Richard is continuing his exploration of Mrs. Lovett’s pie shop. Suddenly he’s startled by the appearance of Mrs. Lovett herself — in her nightgown — with a candle in her hand, but with her eyes shut tight. She’s sleepwalking! Will she wake up and notice the intruder? Will he hear the secrets that she keeps, while she’s talking in her sleep? We shall see.

0:25:15: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horror 'Hursday episode. Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:19:18: AN ACCOUNT OF THE CORONER'S INQUEST held on the body of Mr. John Davidson Pow, who Met a Violent Death in London, on July 11, 1838 (an execution broadside).

• Today’s broadside tells of the indictment for Wilful Murder returned against Henry Myers, the deceased's physician. The jury also charged his wife as an accessory after the fact. Mr. Pow was murdered by plying him with so much gin that he expired from alcohol poisoning.

0:28:05: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• A short account of Dr. John Donne's discovery of a rusty nail embedded in the skull of a late parishioner, who had supposedly died of natural causes after a night of heavy drinking.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• HOP MERCHANTS: Dancing teachers.
• JACK-A-DANDIES: Little impertinent fellows.
• KNIGHTS OF THE BRUSH AND MOON: Drunken fellows wandering amok in meadows and ditches, trying to stagger home.
• FLATS: Innocent, not-too-smart persons who are duped by "sharps." In other words, suckers.

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible minisode IN WHICH —

0:01:50: HIGHWAYMAN DICK TURPIN, Ch. 20, IN WHICH —:

• Dick gets taken fairly roughly into custody by the officers, and the purple-faced one is especially happy to have him. If only he (the officer) could figure out how to weasel out of sharing the £1000 reward with the farmer who ratted Dick out … and also, there’s the pesky fact that he’s promised £5 to everyone at the bar to help him arrest Dick, and he’d rather not pay them either. ... Here's an idea! Give them all IOU’s to redeem at the Secretary of State’s office! Great, let’s see how that works …

0:19:29: TWO SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "Poor Little Caleb the Small," a bawdy supper-club song from the 1830s, of the type sung lustily by, um, gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This one tells the story of the woes of a fellow named Caleb, and the trick a prostitute played on him after he propositioned her ...
• "Confessions of a Chamber-pot," which tries more for funny than sexy. Really, it is pretty funny.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

Episode 10 of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode (which I goofed and set to publish a day early) IN WHICH —

01:50: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 18:

• In this chapter, Flora relaxes in her new, as-yet-uncontaminated-by-a-vampire room and tries to distract herself with a novel. Then she hears a soft footstep approaching the door ...

33:50: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We learn of three women buried by a winter's avalanche in the Alps, who were found alive when the snows melted the next spring!

42:10: THE VAMPYRE, by Dr. John Polidori:

• In which we meet Mr. Aubrey, a naive young gentleman who is fascinated by a nobleman in his circle of friends named Lord Ruthven — whose tin-like eye and apparent utter absence of empathy are somehow darkly compelling. Aubrey accompanies Ruthven on a tour of Europe, but soon realizes he's a malicious and evil character ... This is Part 1 of 3 parts (Part 2 will come next Sunday).

PLUS —

• We explore a "broadside ballad" published in 1850: "The Young Sailor Bold and The Unfortunate Shepherdess" ...

• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

EPISODE ART is from Varney the Vampyre, and shows a scene from a novel Flora is reading to distract herself from the threat of the vampire.

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• High flyers: Audacious, impudent women.
• Gammoners: Hustlers or con artists.
• Knights of the Brush and Moon: Drunken fellows wandering amok by moonlight in fields and ditches, trying to stagger home.
• Badge coves: Parish pensioners.
• Gunpowders: Old ladies.
• Pike off: Run away
• Red waistcoat: Uniform apparel of the Bow-street Runners, an early London police force replaced by the New Model Police (who dressed in blue rather than red) in 1839.
• Rum te tum with the chill off: Most emphatically excellent.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:25: THE BLACK BAND, Ch. 18 and 19, IN WHICH —:

• In Chapter 18, after Mrs. Montmorenci leaves, Mr. Lucas is doing some paperwork when a black-clad figure steps up behind and puts a hand on his shoulder. An Executioner of the Order! But this is no ordinary Executioner; it’s Colonel Oscar Bertrand himself! Lucas’s son-in-law, the man who stole his daughter from him! He snatches up a pistol from his desk — the room is filled with smoke and noise …

• Then in Chapter 19, we turn back to Clara Melville, dancing her way into the hearts of everyone at the ballet company. One evening Reginald Falkner reintroduces himself, to her delight, and the following evening he sends her flowers. She is well on her way to being in love with him. But old Sir Frederick Beaumorris seems to feel he has called dibs on her … a showdown is brewing!

0:25:15: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:27:15: AN ACCOUNT OF THE CONDUCT AND EXECUTION of JAMES WINTER (an execution broadside).

• Today’s broadside tells of the execution of James Winter, alias Reuben Martin, on Dec. 10, 1827. Winter was a robber, who tried to ply his trade on a man who was attending a sale at The Yorkshire Grey public house in Colchester. The uh, transaction — the robbery, not the sale — apparently wasn’t going well, because it attracted the attention of the landlord, Thomas Patrick, who started loudly calling for a constable. Apparently wanting to silence him, Winter clobbered him with a heavy board, but he overdid it and the blow was a fatal one.

0:23:25: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• An awful, and mercifully short, description of the punishment of the "knout," a sort of vicious lacerating whip, in czarist Russia.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Torrid minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:30: ROSE MORTIMER; or, THE BALLET-GIRL'S REVENGE, Ch. 7, IN WHICH —:

• Back at Mrs. Halliday’s house, Rose tries to rest and recover from the terrors of the night and repair her tattered ballet-dress in time for rehearsals. The dress is done just in time, and luckily there is a cab right outside the house. But wait — who is the man waiting with the driver? And why is the cab going so fast and reckless through the foggy streets to — the theatre? Somewhere else? We shall see!

0:17:41: TWO SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "Will You Sleep With Me, My Dear," which must have been like the Victorian-age equivalent of Jimmy Buffett's "Why Don't We Get Drunk" ... remember that one? We earn our Explicit tag with this one!
• "Those London Mots." A short song singing the praises of the working girls of the Old Metrop. In the early-Victorian the word "mot" was very close to the modern slang word "ho" — it didn't always mean a prostitute, but in this context it did.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!