Proceed with caution

The reviews were promising, but I sadly believe the reviewers are people not unlike myself - yearning for vindication and to be understood. This book does well to be compassionate towards the reader, but comes up short in the advice department.

The book feels like an infomercial, continually repeating all of the wonderful things it's about to talk about rather than getting in to the material. I would go as far as to say there is nothing of any value until you get 10 minutes in to the 4th chapter. Once you get there the author's advice seems mostly sound, particularly about the importance of setting boundaries and not allowing future abuse, but there is a very important omission.

*Disclaimer: I couldn't stomach getting through the entire book and I was struggling to remain awake for the 11 chapters I did get through, so perhaps later in the book she does give the advice I'm about to give. If that is the case, however, I would find the author to be inconsistent at best and disingenuous at worst.

All of that is forgivable and would not have impacted my rating, but what I can not believe is the attitude of the author towards the abuser. She consistently and habitually insists that abusers are performing their abuse intentionally. Her tone implies that all abusers have precisely calculated how to best destroy you and can never be forgiven for that.

Please understand that I am not in any way claiming that abusers are innocent loving people. What I AM saying is that it is -common- but not -guaranteed- that abusers do not realize they are being abusive. Abusers often truly believe they aren't doing anything wrong. Psychological abuse is the unfortunate manifestation of a psychological disorder. People do not chose to have a mental disorder no more than they choose to be the recipient of abuse.

I was emotionally abused for the first 15 years of my life, but now at the age of 33 I have overcome it and am a very successful person. I will never be fully healed from it. My scars will never go away and I'll never be the person I would have otherwise become, but I am here to say healing is within reach no matter how far out of reach it may seem right now.

Healing takes lots of time, and I would argue that it never actually reaches any kind of finish line but most importantly proper healing requires good solid advice. Some of the advice required to heal can be very difficult to follow. Where this book is reckless is I know from experience that one of the most critical steps to recovery is forgiveness of the abuser. The author of this book seems to lead the reader further down the path of unforgiveness which is contrary to healing.

As far out of reach as forgiveness may seem for you, please understand I am not insisting you go to the abuser and tell them you forgive them. Nor am I saying they will ever ask for or even want forgiveness. Forgiveness is a personal and internal thing. To not forgive is to not let go, and it keeps you a prisoner to the abuse. You must forgive to be released from this prison and be able to move on with your life, that is critical.

In my particular case, my father was a narcissistic abuser. He took my childhood from me with mind games, making me feel worthless and undeserving of anything. He made me feel like I was lazy and would never be good enough for anyone or anything. I had trouble getting a job because I didn't have any confidence in myself. To this day, I still struggle with how to be confident because I did not ever learn what that was like as a kid. The only thing my father demonstrated was how to have a massive ego and never accept blame for anything.

After many years of agonizing recovery I actually learned that the true underlying motivation was my father wanted me to have a better life than he had. He truly believed that treating me like that was going to do some good for me. Mental illness is a strange thing indeed, and only now can I find it within me to understand and even feel compassion for him being the victim of a mental disorder.

Please know, this doesn't mean I agree with what he did or would for a moment allow it to happen again. It is important, however, that I unravel the real truths so that I can make as much sense of it as I can for the purpose of my own healing.

I say all of this because as someone who has reached the "mostly healed" end of this journey I felt obligated to undo some of the potential harm done by perpetuating hatred towards your abuser. Doing this gives the abuser and the abuse power, your goal needs to be taking the power completely away from them and regaining control of your own life.

Sorry for the long review, if it helps even one person it will have been worth my effort.

204 people found this helpful

Fight for Your Life!

This book had the most information about psychological abuse than any other book that I’ve found. The author, Shannon Thomas, really does understand the devastating effects of psychological abuse. She seems to be one of the few counselors who can see through the masks that abusers put on for public display. She takes the time to describe how psychological abuse effects people, defines the various psychological conditions of abusers, and (most importantly) gave steps to help recover that are easy to understand.

On a personal note (as someone who grew up in a psychologically abusive home with a narcissistic mother and sociopathic father), I found myself wanting to shout out, “Yes… that’s exactly how I felt/feel, what my parents did/do, etc.!” I’ve been on my own journey to recovery for some time but am still bothered by the effects of gaslighting and the smear campaigns. It’s unimaginable that parents can be so cruel and self-absorbed that they would purposely hurt their own children but it happened to me and almost cost me my life.

There is a part of me that wishes that I could get other loved ones to read this book so that they can gain insight into what I’ve been through and why I’ve reacted the many ways that I have in the past but I quit trying to get others to understand and focused my efforts on my own recovery. I am going to keep this book in my arsenal so that, if I begin to forget why I need to protect myself, I can reread and remember that I’m fighting for my life!

175 people found this helpful

Will change your life

Where does Healing from Hidden Abuse rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?

This is the best and last book I will ever need. At age 65 I am finally at peace with my past. Both the author and reader are so compassionate (the information and presentation) I listened to this book 3 times.
I'm sure there are "professionals" who would dispute some of her approach to healing the pain of past abuse but this is the end of a long search for me. I plan to share this book with my four sisters. It is better late than never.

What about Wendy Tremont King’s performance did you like?

She has a comforting voice.

Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?

No, it's one you need to take in slowly.

Any additional comments?

For anyone suffering from the abuse of a narcissist, past or in your present life, I hope you find this book as helpful as it was for me.

132 people found this helpful

Life changing

I am 26yo, I have been in therapy for 10 years, went through 9 psychologists and 6 psychiatrists, was on and out of many antidepressants and other meds, all trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Looking back all of this did very little to make me feel better.

When I picked up this book about four months ago, my life changed. I could finally see what was wrong and what was making me depressed. I was a victim of hidden abuse from a narcissist, but it was such a covert manipulation that I couldn't see what was being done to me. This book openned my eyes, it gave me the clarity and strenght to fight this problem, unlike any of the professionals that I've been to. It thought me how abusers operate and gave me clear steps to recovery, which I am still going through. This book really changed my life, I am very grateful to Shannon Thomas for writing it, and for the beautiful work she does to help survivors.

I've read a few other books on this topic, but one other that I've found incredibly helpful as a complement to this book's recovery process was "in sheep's clothing", by George K. Simon, which explains in detail how covert manipulators operate, what tacticts they use, and how to defend from it.

I've listened to both books as audiobooks on the Audible app, then got the physical copies to go back to and review the concepts. Wendy Tremont King performed one of the best narrations I've ever listened to, and her warm tone fits perfectly with this book.

78 people found this helpful

Excellent book!

This book is well written and I like the fact that the author not only knows what she’s talking about but unfortunately, she has lived through and survived one of the horrible experiences she writes about. Her empathy for others is felt throughout the entire book.

I believe she poured her heart and knowledge into writing this book and honestly it’s a God-send. This is the first book I’ve read on this subject that addresses how there are in fact people in church that are narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths.

Ms. Thomas outlines steps to healing that are definitely doable. She also addresses the fact that sometimes people do feel the sadness of what they’ve experienced. It’s not written in a hey-just-read-my-book and you’ll instantly live happily-ever-after fashion. Also, she lists key points that let you know when you’ve “achieved” certain steps.

I really liked Ms. King as narrator. She has a warm and comforting voice and reminded me of a caring aunt or sincere friend. She didn’t rush through the words and really communicated the authors mood and inflections.

I hope everyone enjoys this book as much as I have. I’m planning a re-read soon!

48 people found this helpful

Literally Saved My Life!

I will be listening to this book again! It's amazing!

I have never felt so connected to a stranger. It's like she was in my head and writing the book specifically for me and to answer all of the questions I have asked myself about why I dealt my the abuse for so long.

The person reading this book has got the most compassionate voice and it truly helped to get the content of the book across so much.

I pray Shannon Thomas writes more books. She is an incredibly talented woman who has a real skill for getting her point across in writing.

32 people found this helpful

Good for indentifying, not so much help

This book is for those who are not sure if they are victims. The narrator is wonderful. Very compassionate voice. The content is great if you are not sure if you are a victim. After she helps you identify that you are, there is not much after that. The whole book is about knowing that you are. That is a great start. There is nothing to do with healing and moving on. Too bad, because the delivery is great.

25 people found this helpful

totally encapsulated the height width and breadth

the subject matter was covered as thoroughly as possible within this user-friendly format. The narrator did an excellent job. I must compliment her on her manner of speaking. I've read much information on this subject over the years and found this book to be the perfect compilation of the various studies and helpful books on the matter of real life psychological abuse. She gets it. I found it to be very concise and easy to absorb. her advice and instruction on how to deal with abuse was direct and to the point and will be easy for anyone serious about freeing them self from psychological abuse to implement in real life situations. Hope to see more books like this in the future.

17 people found this helpful

Author makes a serious error by assuming one side is a victim (surviver) and the other is a monster.

Real issues are not one dimensional as author infers throughout this book. While I have deep empathy for anyone in a toxic relationship, it is not as simple as one side is right and the other is wrong... people that are in a toxic relationship, often find themselves in new toxic relationships again, again and again... why? maybe, because victim is usually not a saint either? My experience is that all of us are self centered creatures who endure pain and cause pain...

16 people found this helpful

Very good book to start to heal after psychological abuse

This book is very well written and is very pleasant to listen to. It cover all the steps people go through after or during been in a relationship of psychological abuse. The steps people go through to heal. It cover also the techniques abuser use to keep abusing. The book doesn't only cover abuse in romantic relationships but also other circumstances where it can occur.

15 people found this helpful