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  • I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

  • Essays
  • Written by: Tom Segura
  • Narrated by: Tom Segura
  • Length: 6 hrs and 4 mins
  • 4.8 out of 5 stars (831 ratings)

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I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

Written by: Tom Segura
Narrated by: Tom Segura
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Publisher's Summary

From Tom Segura, the massively successful stand-up comedian and cohost of chart-topping podcasts 2 Bears 1 Cave and Your Mom’s House, hilarious real-life stories of parenting, celebrity encounters, youthful mistakes, misanthropy, and so much more.

Tom Segura is known for his twisted takes and irreverent comedic voice. But after a few years of crazy tours and churning out podcasts weekly, all while parenting two young children, he desperately needs a second to himself. It’s not that he hates his friends and family—he’s not a monster—he’s just beat, which is why his son’s (ruthless) first full sentence, “I’d like to play alone, please”, has since become his mantra. 

In this collection of stories, Tom combines his signature curmudgeonly humor with a revealing look at some of the ridiculous situations that shaped him and the ludicrous characters who always seem to seek him out. The stories feature hilarious anecdotes about Tom's time on the road, including some surreal encounters with celebrities at airports; his unfiltered South American family; the trials and tribulations of parenting young children with bizarrely morbid interests; and, perhaps most memorably, experiences with his dad who, like any good Baby Boomer father, loves to talk about his bowel movements and share graphic Vietnam stories at inappropriate moments. All of this is enough to make anyone want some peace and quiet. 

I'd Like to Play Alone, Please will have listeners laughing out loud and nodding in agreement with Segura's message: In a world where everyone is increasingly insane, sometimes you just need to be alone.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.  

©2022 Tom Segura (P)2022 Grand Central Publishing

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What listeners say about I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

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I came up in May

Wow my camera was thru the fence the whole time. I’m gonna make some pootine now. Better watch out for the waspes, drink more water!
Ps, where are the bodies garth??

3 people found this helpful

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Tom followed proto on this one

I had my reservations of Jean as an author, but his conversational writing style combined with a stand up esque punch up of his personal stories made this a real treat to read. I implore anyone considering giving this a shot to touch this book through the fence and find out where it spits. Ta ta there r****ds.

2 people found this helpful

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Tom Segura is the best

I Love that Tom read the book. It was definitely a nice personal touch. Thanks

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Amazing

Hilarious literature, beautifully read by Tommy himself, highly recommend for any fans of comedy. Pce

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Tom's a great guy! And one of the funniest!

I listened to this doing yardwork, and while I do enjoy yardwork, this was a great treat to listen to as I did it. I agree that you can joke about anything. My best jokes usually come out at hospitals or funerals, usually in that order. I respected Tom before, but now I feel that I would jump in a volcano just to prove that he is a fantastic person. See you at the volcano anyone who thinks otherwise.

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Awesome listen.

A lot of heart when into this book. Love the fact that Tom shares tips about comedy.
Great stories.

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fun listen- very entertaining

very fun to listen to. highly recommended for any comedy fan out there. enjoy

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Great Listen

The best part is that Tom is reading it. He laughs in parts and his tone follows the situation better because it’s his story! Makes it more interesting than just having it read and having it sound like, we’ll, it’s just being read!😂

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Great stories

Great stories, and an excellent listen when a laugh is needed, would highly recommend to anyone who is a fan of stand up

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Absolutely enjoyable

Tom Segura has a great voice and is an excellent comedian and storyteller. I’ve listened to this three times and keep laughing each time. Definitely recommend.

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  • Michael Bowen
  • 2022-06-15

Hot sauce is the best!

I could not have asked for a better Audi book! Tom was definitely not stingy and delivered in full. I could not stop listening to this once I started. Seriously try it out!

17 people found this helpful

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  • Shaun Kennedy
  • 2022-06-22

It on took 4 strokes!

I took 12 Benadryl and got through this entire audio book in 4 strokes. Tom kept his jeans both high and tight while writing this riveting novel. He is definitely the water champ and Hot Sauce is the best!

14 people found this helpful

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  • Christopher Harrison
  • 2022-06-28

100% yes.

If you enjoyed Tom Segura’s stand up and/or his podcast, this is a solid gold box of wonderful. The stories you already know, he tells in even greater hilarious detail. The ones you don’t know yet are every bit as good. And to top it off, it’s all delivered by him in his signature, perfect, even cadence that sounds like something between a wide eyed 10 year old encountering his first adventures in the world, and the delightfully condescending mellow-energy stand-up power house that he is. I am now on my third back to back listen in a row. I will enjoy this for years to come.

10 people found this helpful

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  • Tanner Goulish
  • 2022-06-23

Touched my camera through the fence

Tim Sugar kills it in this performance of his book, ‘I’d Like to Play Alone, Please,’ breathing life to his words in a way that a normal, low and loose jean wearer simply could not. Of course, as a true mommy should, I purchased a hard copy as well. I cannot express how much better it is hearing Tom tell these stories with his impressions of all of the wild characters in his life. Special shout to Elece Green for bringing quality in production to an already fantastic piece of work. I rate it 4/4 strokes.

6 people found this helpful

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  • Utilisateur anonyme
  • 2022-06-17

Certified main mommy classic

Goodmorning Julia,
This book touched my feelings through the fence. I took 10-12 Benadryl and got listening. It is absolutely fantastic. Tom goes into multiple stories of his life, including different life lessons he’s learned and just entertaining and relevant stuff that has happened to him. If you call yourself a mommy and you claim to wear your jeans high and tight, you better listen to this masterpiece. It will make you laugh, cry, think, and maybe even cum. I’m an absolute fan of tommy bunz and being able to indulge in his story telling abilities in this format was top-notch. Truly shows you who the main personality champ is, and emotion champ, water champ is still up for grabs. Don’t pirate the book, we’re gonna ask you, dig in your pockets, be part of the greatest global main mommy book mankind has ever seen.
Keep ur jeans high and tight
Ps: Garth pls give me back my fam

5 people found this helpful

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  • Devin Patrick
  • 2022-06-15

Hey buddy

This book is no less than 4 strokes worthy, one could even say better than using a lung infection as an instrument, Rest In Peace Top Dog. HEY BUDDY!

5 people found this helpful

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  • Adrian Carey
  • 2022-07-21

Tommy is the best (Peruvian accent)

awesome book by one of my all time favorite comedians. Most people's lives and stories I could care less about, specially comedians, but it is very interesting to hear how a person, who very easily, could have grown up to be another nobody, is instead becoming one of the greatest comedians of all time. Cheers Tom.

4 people found this helpful

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  • All eel chin cm tv Hun then hmm
  • 2022-07-21

homeherenow

This is definitely a four stroke banger.Jeans did such a great job what a cool guy . seriously though he really did a great job. I'm also glad he was the reader THANKS TOMMMMM

3 people found this helpful

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  • Amazon Customer
  • 2022-07-20

10 out 12 Benadryl

Tom does an amazing job providing the tone and feel for for his stories here. Rarely as listeners do we get to experience an audio book that’s preformed by its author, and even rarer than that is an author that can actually preform well on mic!

An excellent collection of stories, laughs, an insights from the water champion himself.

3 people found this helpful

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  • Jonathon K.
  • 2022-07-07

Better then the bible!

Love all the sound bites! He reads it so well! I can't wait for the next book.

3 people found this helpful