The State of Affairs

A compassionate approach

The timing of this book was perfect for me. I am going through my own story of infidelity and this book has helped me put the issues and problems that led to my partners infedelities in perspective and into a clearer context. Ester's compassionate and non-judgemental approach to infidelity helped me come to terms with the hurt my partner caused me but also my role in the crisis. I started this book thinking that I would find strategies and ways to bring the relationship together again but in fact what Esther has done for me is help show me that the relationship is over and can't be repaired. But, more importantly, she has helped me see that there can be a happy life after infidelity and it is up to me to find a way to take the sadness out of my life and move on to a happier future.

82 of 88 people found this review helpful

Waste of money

Her podcasts and her other book mating in captivity are both five stars and awesome however this book is just listing off all the different affairs that she's come across and then ending it with one of her podcasts. Her podcast is excellent but I already heard it.

64 of 70 people found this review helpful

Revealing

Amazing book, and I love when the authors read. If you've been through a divorce or similar relationship, parts that apply can be tough to get through because she goes into depth about where our behaviors exist and come from and I needed time to reflect. I will absolutely be listening to this one several times. I recommend to everyone who truly values their relationship and wants to improve the way they conduct themselves with their partner/partners.

4 of 4 people found this review helpful

Interesting, NOT PRACTICAL, but somewhat useful

I found the front end of the book to be pretty useful, when the Author provides a nice overview of the questions surrounding the issue of "affair": what it is, why it is hard to define what constitutes an affair, how the definition and attitudes towards "affairs" have been changing over time, etc.

The second part of the book degrades to stories of affairs which may be entertaining to hear, but I did not find this part particularly useful. So what someone had this experience and someone had another experience? Not quite clear what to do with it.

Particularly the closing chapter - I found it to be not only useless, but a bit annoying. Some client talks about his or her story. The Author (being a counselor in this case) tries to frame it in terms of some fancy theories. It felt very Freudian to me. Nice theories to make it sound more complicated and scientific, none could be tested or proven.

Anyway, definitely a worthy read, but don't expect any guidance from the book. It gives very useful definitions and typologies, it tells (not very useful) stories of how things went for others, and it gives no guidance whatsoever on what to do about it.

12 of 14 people found this review helpful

Chock Full of Great Points

As usual, Esther Perel, has a strong message that merits paying close attention to. Her keen insights to all angles of an affair was enlightening. There is no judgement in the tone of the book and no over-empathizing with the partner of the one who cheats. We need books that encourage more open conversations like this one. It acknowledges our humanity and fallibility and makes no promises that humans will ever do better. I appreciate how Esther addresses the sex addiction question. I am a believer that this is a real and debilitating disease. Perel draws no conclusion, rather she points to research and to the individuals to determine how to view the behavior. I highly recommend this book.

12 of 14 people found this review helpful

Refreshing look at an old problem

I think that this book is an honest examination of problems typical in any marriage/ long term relationship. Various scenarios and types of betrayal of ones partner are examined fo help one understand the factors that contribute to the betrayal. It offers hope that the problems can be identified and understood,bringing some comfort to both parties in the relationship.

3 of 3 people found this review helpful

This should be required reading for every relationship

There is something that is both scandalous, intriguing and upsetting about infidelity.

The question I get from this book is that infidelity depends on what a relationship is. I don’t think that many relationships really consider what the nature of their commitment and their boundaries really are.

An open mind is required when listening to this book, and a little patience given the author’s accent.

15 of 18 people found this review helpful

A compelling and novel look at infidelity

The State of Affairs is an insightful, layered, thought-provoking, thorough and original piece of work, and Esther Perel is pleasure to listen to. The author provides a compelling and novel exploration in an area that rarely gets an unbiased look. It takes courage to offer new perspectives on topics as contentious as infidelity, and where deeply entrenched absolutes exist. Perel's erudite, empathetic, steadying voice manages to pierce the veil of the collective unconscious and invite deeper consideration and intelligent discourse. This book, agree with the conclusions or not, will permanently broaden the landscape and our thinking around infidelity in a way that only Esther Perel can.

32 of 40 people found this review helpful

Disjointed not a story at all or clear direction.

Disjointed not a story or clear direction of one. Recites client experiences without any clear suggestions. Would think it would or should have more meat. Reader flat.

13 of 16 people found this review helpful

Extraordinary Peace and the Need for Book 2

Would you listen to The State of Affairs again? Why?

This book is a lifesaver and should be shared.

What other book might you compare The State of Affairs to and why?

This work stands on it's own.

What does Esther Perel bring to the story that you wouldn’t experience if you just read the book?

Esther's passion and commitment to touching people with views from all sides of infidelity via her own voice on audible is personal, intimate and upfront.

What did you learn from The State of Affairs that you would use in your daily life?

Wisdom on this topic to help others by referring them to the book and being there if they need an empathetic ear.

Any additional comments?

Esther's work is honest, non-judgmental, empathic, edgy, holistic, and brings forth deep unexplored feelings. It's like a thousand therapy visits in 1 book; yet what it really does is set an incredibly strong foundation/framework for you to resolve or at least come to terms with, your own personal challenge. Her research doesn't justify affairs; it instead shows empathy from all angles. Anyone who chooses to be introspective, can better understand themselves; their behavior, choices, reactions, impact and feelings. For me, Esther gave me control and power back. 18 years of stoic repressed sadness and anger was lifted because her wisdom gave me permission to feel pain. I was finally honest with myself and then with my ex-husband in a heartfelt 5 page letter that followed. Thank you Esther. No doubt you'll touch many lives in many ways with your work of art. I would only ask that your next book be for the audience of children who have had to live through the divorce of their parents; split homes; step-parents; siblings, etc. They carry extraordinary pain as noted in much research. They need feelings validated; some sense of understanding; to not feel alone; and to have a framework to express themselves. Forgiving and asking forgiveness alone doesn't fix things for people. Your talent is that you provide a powerful foundation to think deep and create a conversation. That's the medicine that heals. Your masterful talent would again touch a whole new group of people who need the insight, compassion and understanding only you can bring in your special way of research and communication.

12 of 15 people found this review helpful