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The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

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The State of Affairs

Auteur(s): Esther Perel
Narrateur(s): Esther Perel
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À propos de cet audio

""A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” — LA Review of Books

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

Développement personnel Marriage Psychologie Psychologie et santé mentale Psychothérapie Relations Infidélité Inspirant Se sentir mieux
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Performance: I could listen to Esther Perel's voice for hours. I bought this book after listening to the first two seasons of her Podcast. She could be describing a horrifying murder and it would probably still sound sexy. You definitely won't have to worry about cringing through the narration.

Story: I am not going through an affair but I have in the past and am also very interested in people and relationships in general. The stories of real people were the most compelling to me, and she uses these examples throughout. Esther Perel describes unending possibilities for what a "marriage" truly is. She has many interesting thoughts about how the institution of marriage looks completely different through the lenses of different times and cultures. The messages focus on empowerment, reflection, and discovery. Nothing in this book will help you fix the past, but it might help you find a way to consider your past and plan for future in a way that is empowering, reflective, and honest.

Uncomfortable, compelling and insightful

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As I listened I heard so many identifying feelings I was hearing from these stories that I was also feeling.
Listening to this book helped me become more clear about many things.
And I was able to share openly with my husband about them.
He was very receptive and I can’t thank this book enough.
Highly recommend!

Saved my marriage

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Very thought provoking, excellently written. I highly recommend this to everyone especially those in relationship (regardless if there was an affair or not!)

loved it

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An inspiring audio book filled with powerful messages for personal and professional journeys. Read by Esther herself and sharing her clinical experiences made this book even more impactful. My favourite message was ‘one size doesn’t fit all.’ There are different approaches and perspectives for each couples unique situation.

Wonderful Listen

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I had a very black and white view of affairs prior to this book. The many stories within it gave me a much more nuanced position toward them. Esther gives us a glimpse into why affairs happen in the first place from a lot of different view points. A person couldn't live enough lives to get an understanding of affairs like this through personal experience, nor would they want to. This book is really for anyone that wants to peak behind the curtain and understand why people in terrible or happy relationships might cheat.

Changed my view on affairs.

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As always Ester Perel encourages the listener to think outside the hegemonic system of relationships and to invite a new paradigm to view the “unfaithful”

Insightful

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As the betrayed partner, this book was extremely hard to listen to. However, it is powerful, and offers good advice, no matter how hard it is to hear it. This is the most helpful book I've come across so far, dealing with infedelity. Well written. Would recommend. It was recommended by our couples therapist.

powerful but difficult

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I have never felt more comforted by vague abstractions of love and its place in sexuality and marriage. This was poetry. I have felt inspired by harsh truths. Esther’s work is all encompassing, balanced, and fair. Her insights into the hearts and minds of people is unprecedented.
Yes, it would seem as though she may wax poetic, but I am entirely appreciative of the soul she brings to her work. Her passion is inspirational. She disregards nothing. It seems her intention is to truly see her clients and honour their individuality.

Please read. Her work has helped me be okay with not knowing what life can bring and what love can be. I’ve felt in the past that I am so anxiously attached to my partners, it’s been an unhealthy journey. Perel’s work has helped me move beyond my boundaries and beliefs around what a relationship should be.

To those of you that might be working with her, I hope you find what you are looking for. Thank you for your stories.

From a twenty something Canadian female.

This is so much more than sex.

A Romantic’s View

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I’ve been a fan of Perel for a while, but I had only listened to her on podcasts or seen her videos. Her book was fantastic and really got to the heart of the issues that lead to infidelity, plus what happens after its discovery. She was never prescriptive and acknowledged that every relationship was unique, highlighting this with actual couples from her practice. I think that nearly everyone could stand to learn something from this book, regardless of whether there is or will ever be an issue of unfaithfulness in their relationship. I love it when an author reads their own book, especially someone with such a presence as Perel.

Sexy and honest

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This book is incredible. Esther does an amazing job of showing care and validation for those who have been hurt by infidelity while at the same time offering important insights into monogamy, people who have affairs, modern love, culture, trauma ect.
I feel I am better equipped to provide understanding and support to my family and friends and dispel my long held judgmental views on monogamy, love and affairs.
In short, I have learned so much from this.
Thank you Esther

Must read for anyone in any kind of relationship

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