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  • To Kill or Be Killed

  • A True Crime Memoir from Prison
  • Written by: Joni Ankerson
  • Narrated by: Tanya Eby
  • Length: 6 hrs and 1 min
  • 4.1 out of 5 stars (23 ratings)

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To Kill or Be Killed cover art

To Kill or Be Killed

Written by: Joni Ankerson
Narrated by: Tanya Eby
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Publisher's Summary

The day we met in October of 1997, I was working at the District Court in Traverse City, Michigan as a Deputy Clerk. It was like most other days with arraignments, sentencings, civil case hearings, and the like. People shuffling in and out, everyone taking care of their important business with court appearances, document filings, paying tickets, fines, and bonding loved ones out of jail.

I loved my job. It was extremely satisfying and interesting with constant interaction with all walks of life, including people on either end of the judicial spectrum and many in between. Suddenly, there he was. Tall, handsome, and looking so impressive and important in his Michigan State Police uniform with his hat, gun belt, and badge. A powerful man who had chosen a profession to serve and protect. He was extremely friendly and upbeat, smiling profusely. Best of all, he, too, was unattached.

What could go wrong? He was like a dream man. We clicked, immediately, and began dating exclusively. But he was not a dream man. He was a nightmare...as I learned over the next 12 years.

Twelve years of enduring domestic violence at its absolute worse. Constant abuse, control, manipulation, and threats. Sadistic sexual deviance and sexual violence. It was only going to end one way: someone would die in our bed and someone would go to prison for murder.

This is my story about domestic violence, resilience, reckoning, and survival. 

©2020 by Joni Ankerson (P)2020 by Blackstone Publishing

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What listeners say about To Kill or Be Killed

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    4 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    5 out of 5 stars

A Great Listen for Anyone That Has Endured Abuse

So many parts of this story resonated with me and with red flags I have seen in relationships around me. I could not stop listening. This story hit me on an emotional level in ways I didn’t know it could. As someone that has survived an abuser and controlling person, this was very healing to me, personally.

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  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Performance
    3 out of 5 stars
  • Story
    3 out of 5 stars

Eye-opening. Frustrating.

Joni Ankerson's tale of spiralling descent into a life of constant marital abuse (centered on progressive isolation & sexual deviancy) is harrowing. She paints a vivid picture of agonizing dysfunction over *years* that is truly jawdropping. She makes a pretty good case for justifiability.
Unfortunately, when looking at her shooting husband Paul in his sleep "once in the heart, once at the corner of his mouth, and once to the base of his brain at the back of the head" (which she describes as "poetic"), pleading guilty was a good decision. If you listen to this book, you are clearly only hearing part of the story.
That said, 'To Kill Or Be Killed' is written well, leads readers deftly through the case, and sheds light on a deviant sex world most of us have no idea exists..

Tanya Eby does a nice job reading the book - exhibiting great diction, timbre, and cadence - but chooses a very clinical matter-of-fact tone (that conveys Ankerson's message of reasonability but is annoyingly droning).
The perfomance is competent but unspectacular.

I rate this book 6.5 stars out of 10. It was a nice choice of True Crime exposé from the 'Plus' catalogue and an interesting distraction.. but if they ask for a Credit, better options beckon.

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2 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

gripping.....

so very well done.. so very sad, and so very well Read... I may listen to this for a second time once day, and I rarely do that.

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