Heather Cronemiller and Lacy Bentley join Dr. Rob to talk about female sex addiction and the damage it can cause families. Both Lacy and Heather share their personal experience with being the ‘other woman’ and how, despite it going against everything they believed in, they still continued down a path of destruction. When it comes to any form of addiction, what we're really fighting against is deeply broken attachment wounds. Find out more on today’s episode.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:40] A little bit about Lacy and how she got introduced with Dr. Rob.

[3:20] A little bit about Heather and how she met Dr. Rob.

[5:30] Despite being married, Heather felt like she wasn’t with her soul mate. Everything she thought love was, was wrong.

[6:15] What does mature love feel like?

[8:55] Heather realized through her own recovery, her husband is a wonderful man and replacing him with the ‘flavor of the month’ won’t fix the problem.

[13:35] What is polygamy and does it actually exist? Is it just a mask for sex addiction?

[21:00] Why is sex ‘never enough’ when working with sex addicts?

[23:35] What does it look like to work with someone like Lacy as a female sex addict?

[25:00] Heather shares her personal experience working with Lacy and how it helped her move forward and on a healthier path of recovery.

[26:15] Heather talks about her recovery journey and what that looks like for her.

[30:15] Lucy and Heather talk about their upcoming book, Going Deeper for Women!

[38:15] How does addiction bleed into other aspects of our lives?

[41:10] Heather shares why their book is going to help any woman going through addiction.

[47:10] There are nasty names we call women that we don’t call men, despite them both doing the same actions.

[50:50] Dr. Rob has met very few men who understand the experience of a woman and what she has to deal with when she goes out into the world.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Herrecoveryroadmap.com

Oakhaven-counseling.com

Going Deeper for Women

QUOTES:

• “Mature love is a choice and that can be complicated to say because it doesn’t feel like a choice.”

• “How many partners do you need for it to be ‘enough’? In sex addiction, it’s never enough.”

• “We are dealing with attachment wounds. We are dealing with childhood trauma. We’re not dealing with a woman who has a fully functional relational brain..”

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands’ addictions and how they got through it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it’s difficult to hide or protect your children from what’s happening within your household.

[4:20] Melissa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage.

[4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle.

[6:45] Did Annie’s husband’s porn use affect their intimate life?

[12:55] When Melissa joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn’t going through this journey alone.

[23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up.

[30:50] Melissa knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn’t know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself.

[33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends.

[39:15] How did Melissa and Annie meet? They’re so grateful for each other and their support!

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Jasonvr.com

Jason on LinkedIn

Get Past Your Past

QUOTES:

• “You trust your spouse and it’s something that you never expected to happen. I never expected to find what I found.”

• “I knew my friends were trustworthy, but I couldn’t go to my friends and be like, ‘guess what I discovered now’. At least, I couldn’t.”

• “I will never be grateful this happened to me, but I am grateful that because it happened to me, I have made life-long friends.”

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal.

[2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today?

[3:50] When Melissa first found out about the betrayal, she didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does.

[6:25] Melissa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn’t.

[13:00] What made Melissa throw her husband out of the house?

[14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs?

[20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship?

[20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years.

[27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn’ means these days. It’s not just looking at a naked image anymore!

[28:50] Guys look at porn, what’s the big deal?

[31:15] Melissa’s husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late’. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put her finger on why or what.

[32:45] Melissa’s husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children’s lives because of his addiction.

[36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband’s addiction, all the attention went to him. That’s when she felt so alone.

[38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband’s CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support!

[40:40] Melissa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up.

[41:15] Melissa found out that their couple’s therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple’s therapist. If you’re a therapist, don’t do this!

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Jasonvr.com

Jason on LinkedIn

Get Past Your Past

QUOTES:

• “Anything that’s kept secret from the relationship is a betrayal. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a person or not. It’s all kept secrets and it’s all painful.”

• “Decades ago, when women left their husbands, they were scorned. Now, when we stay, they don’t understand.”

• “Just because he screws up doesn’t mean I’m going to throw my lift under a bus.”

Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not.

TAKEAWAYS:

[4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist.

[10:10] Due to Jason’s rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others.

[14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process.

[21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people.

[22:05] It’s important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you’re currently are.

[25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth.

[30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard.

[37:45] There was a time in Jason’s life where going to therapy seemed impossible.

[38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story?

[40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out!

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Jasonvr.com

Jason on LinkedIn

Get Past Your Past

QUOTES:

• “We aspire to have something that only a different community will give us. If don’t have a different community, our current one just keeps us in the same spot.”

• “Be honest with where you’re at. So many times we fantasize how we want it to look.”

• “I think people always hurt people. Always. I don’t think people have gotten out of life without hurting other people, sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s not. ”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner’s trust.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:50] How could I compete with a porn star?

[3:40] Women feel like if he’s watching porn, he’s checked out of the relationship.

[5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so.

[11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult?

[14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails’ on it.

[15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it’s going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that’s where you’re going to end up.

[19:10] How can you rebuild trust again?

[25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Drsandrashachar.com

Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn

The Porn Solution

QUOTES:

• “We depend on other human beings for our very survival. In order to survive as a human being, we need intimate connection with at least one other human being.”

• “What matters most in an intimate relationship is to feel seen, heard, and understood by your partner.”

• “If you have children, this affects them. The keeping of secrets, they feel all of that.”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met.

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:20] Is porn cheating?

[3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution?

[7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal?

[12:05] Porn, what’s the big deal? I’m not cheating on you!

[18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply?

[22:35] How can we regain a partner’s trust after a betrayal?

[24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It’s okay to have needs!

[29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people.

[29:55] Porn isn’t the issue, it’s the trust!

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Drsandrashachar.com

Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn

The Porn Solution

QUOTES:

• “When I talk to spouses about their experience of whether porn felt like a betrayal to the relationship, we got up to 80%. We have a population of female spouses who say it’s a big deal.”

• “It’s not the act of what you’re doing specifically, it’s the deception. It’s what you’ve hidden me that constitutes as the betrayal.”

• “It makes absolute sense why you’re reacting the way you are. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary?

[8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction?

[16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it.

[18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing.

[19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do?

[26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do.

[26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him?

[8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you.

[10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships?

[15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her?

[22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict?

[26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss