One of the most helpful things I’ve learned about love and dating is the concept of attachment styles. This is simply the way we connect, bond, and respond in relationships. It comes from our early life experiences, but it shows up again and again in our romantic lives, even when we’re dating after 40, 50, or 60.

Understanding your own attachment style (and spotting it in others) can save you so much time and heartache. To make it easier, let’s think of attachment styles as different kinds of dance partners. Dating really is like a dance, and each style has its own rhythm.

Secure partners are like steady dancers. They listen to the music, keep the rhythm, and hold their partner with care. Dancing with them feels natural and easy, and you don’t have to guess where you’re going next.

In dating, secure people are consistent, reliable, and clear. They make you feel calm, safe, and valued. If you feel like you can just be yourself around them, that’s the magic of secure attachment.

I experienced this in my previous relationship of 8 years. We had a very solid connection. I didn't feel anxious in our connection. This was a healing relationship for us both. We learnt a lot about how to be in a healthy relationship.

Anxious types dance really close, sometimes a little too close. They crave closeness and can worry about being rejected or abandoned. In dating, this may look like overthinking, wanting constant reassurance, or feeling unsettled if replies are slow.

With the right partner, they can relax into the music, but with the wrong one they may feel constantly off balance. If you notice you’re always on edge, your anxious side might be getting triggered.

If I am not feeling secure in my attachment, especially when I am dating someone new, I can get anxious quite quickly. I have sometimes felt anxious about something specific thought, and later realized that it was my intuition communicating with me and I misread it as anxiety. I am learning to discern the difference between anxious attachment, when I am not feeling connected and secure with a man, and when my intuition is telling me something isn't quite right.

Avoidant types are like dancers who keep stepping back. They value independence and can find too much closeness uncomfortable. In dating, they may dodge emotional conversations, keep things casual, or pull away when it feels “too serious.”

Dancing with them can feel like you’re chasing, while they keep slipping further away. They can be kind and caring, but they often need more space than feels comfortable in a partnership.

Being with someone with an avoidant attachment style can really increase my anxiety. I am someone who wants to fix things straight away when there is a problem. This is almost impossible when you're with an avoidant person as they just want to get away from the situation. I am learning that avoidant people need space and I need to be patient and wait for them to come back. I find this incredibly challenging.

This is the trickiest partner on the dance floor. Sometimes they pull you close, sometimes they push you away. It’s a mix of wanting connection and fearing it at the same time.

In dating, this can look like hot and cold behavior that leaves you confused. One moment they’re all in, the next they disappear. Dancing with them can feel like mixed signals set to music.

I have experienced this and it is very confusing. It's a bit of a mind f*ck to be honest. And you can feel a bit crazy with this attachment style.

Attachment styles are not about good or bad. They’re simply patterns. And patterns can change with self-awareness and healing.

The most important thing is to notice how you feel around...