Discover the relationship dynamic that may be silently sabotaging your connection with your partner. In this eye-opening exploration, I reveal how well-intentioned efforts to help our partners often create a painful pattern where one person feels chronically disappointed while the other internalizes being the disappointment.

Drawing from my personal journey through marital separation and reconciliation, I share how this revelation transformed my approach to conflict. When my husband struggled with depression, I threw myself into "helping" – researching therapists, sharing resources, and offering constant suggestions. From the outside, I appeared to be the model supportive spouse. Yet beneath these actions lay an unconscious message: "there's something wrong with you that needs fixing." Every well-meaning suggestion reinforced his inadequacy and my position as the expert who knew better.

This pattern appears not just during mental health challenges but in everyday interactions. When we repeatedly express frustration with our partners, we unintentionally communicate that they're fundamentally flawed. No wonder they respond with defensiveness or shutdown! As Aboriginal activist Lilla Watson wisely noted: "If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together." This shift from a hierarchical helping relationship to true partnership changes everything.

Breaking free from this dynamic requires several crucial shifts: understanding nervous system regulation, separating events from the stories we create about them, focusing on our own contributions rather than our partner's shortcomings, and learning effective communication skills. When we move from trying to fix our partner to working together as equals, we create the foundation for genuine growth and lasting connection.

Join me next episode as I dive deeper into specific strategies for creating partnership rather than perpetuating the disappointed-disappointment cycle. Your relationship transformation awaits!

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.