In this episode, I'm joined by Alex Beattie, founder of The Divorce Planner, to talk about what actually helps in the earliest stages of separation and divorce. Alex is a divorce prep coach who works with people before they hire attorneys or mediators, helping them get grounded emotionally and prepared practically before big, irreversible decisions are made.

We talk about the grief, shame, and identity disruption that often catches people off guard, even when divorce feels mutual, and why slowing down at the beginning can protect you emotionally and financially in the long run.

Alex's web site: https://www.thedivorceplanner.net/

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Timestamps & topics

00:00 – What a divorce prep coach actually does
How divorce prep differs from legal strategy and why preparation before calling a lawyer matters

02:15 – Why people want to "just get it over with"
Emotional overwhelm, avoidance, and the risks of making decisions from shutdown or panic

03:50 – Divorce as the end of an imagined future
Grief, loss of identity, and facing a blank slate you didn't plan for

06:10 – The emotional pain people underestimate
Why sadness, grief, and shame still show up even when divorce is the "right" decision

08:40 – How childhood patterns resurface during divorce
Why old narratives about worth, safety, and capability come back online

10:20 – Divorce and confidence collapse
Questioning your value, competence, and future, especially for stay-at-home parents

13:05 – Reframing skills, worth, and capability
Recognizing transferable skills and rebuilding self-trust

14:45 – Retraining the brain during a destabilizing life transition
Awareness, emotional regulation, and building stability when everything feels uncertain

17:00 – Social stigma, family reactions, and judgment
Why divorce still carries shame and how others' reactions can complicate healing

19:10 – The most unhelpful things people say during divorce
"Well-meaning" comments that actually increase shame and self-doubt

21:30 – How friends can offer real support
Listening, practical help, and showing up without trying to fix or judge

24:10 – Letting yourself receive support
Why isolation makes divorce harder and how connection actually builds resilience

28:40 – Why you should never negotiate money without knowing your numbers
How fear around finances leads to long-term regret

30:10 – The 5-5-5 decision rule
Evaluating divorce decisions based on their impact over time, not just immediate relief

32:00 – Final advice for early-stage divorce decisions
Why slowing down now protects your future self and prevents costly mistakes later

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Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

You understand why you avoid.
You see the pattern.
And you're still doing it.

In this episode, Kim Polinder explores the frustrating gap between self-awareness and actual change — and why insight alone rarely leads to different behavior.

Rather than framing change as a decision or a motivation problem, this conversation breaks down procrastination as a capacity issue. Kim walks through four common "false fixes" people rely on when they're trying to change — strategies that look responsible on the surface but quietly reinforce avoidance.

Using real-life relational examples, nervous system science, and practical reframes, this episode explains why waiting to feel calm, trying to be perfect, forcing yourself through hard moments, or endlessly consuming self-help content often backfires.

The focus is not on fixing yourself, but on building emotional capacity: the ability to stay present with discomfort, repair when things go sideways, and stop turning one hard moment into a verdict about who you are.

Timestamps & Topics

[00:00:00] – The Conundrum: Why self-awareness doesn't change behavior.

[00:01:39] – Defining Capacity: Why change requires extreme discomfort.

[00:02:48] – False Fix #1: Waiting to feel calm or "ready" before acting.

[00:03:59] – False Fix #2: The perfectionism trap and the cost of "doing it right".

[00:06:50] – False Fix #3: Forcing exposure without a support system.

[00:08:45] – Pausing to Avoid vs. Pausing to Build Capacity.

[00:14:09] – False Fix #4: Searching for the "Golden Key" of insight.

[00:16:40] – Short-term relief vs. Long-term training of the nervous system.

[00:19:35] – Why willpower fails under emotional threat.

[00:22:00] – Compassionate Curiosity: How to stop abandoning yourself.

[00:24:37] – Why we lose access to our skills when triggered.

[00:27:13] – The Lab Partner: The necessity of community and repair.

[00:29:14] – Invitation to the Virtual Cohort: Building capacity in real-time.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before.

This episode isn't about productivity, discipline, or time management. It's about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive.

Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn't laziness. It's protection.

Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects procrastination to emotional attunement, identity, shutdown, people-pleasing, catastrophizing, and the fear of inner collapse. She also explains why insight alone doesn't change behavior, and what actually has to shift for real movement to happen.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Rage, triggers, and decades of stored emotional memory

00:25 – Why feeling misunderstood cuts so deeply

00:52 – Procrastination isn't about time management

02:29 – Procrastination around hard conversations

03:01 – Mistakes, shame, and fragile self-esteem

05:28 – What self-esteem actually is (and isn't)

06:25 – Emotional attunement explained

07:37 – Why "they'll never understand me" isn't true

08:10 – Childhood emotional neglect and minimization

09:14 – Avoidant coping and jumping to solutions

09:57 – Why being sat with matters

10:27 – Religion, conflict avoidance, and emotional bypassing

11:30 – Biology of trauma and implicit memory

12:33 – Adoption, abandonment, and cognitive bias

13:46 – Anger as a lifelong trigger

14:52 – Suppression vs expression of emotion

15:41 – Coping mechanisms and shutdown

16:24 – Anxious vs avoidant responses in conflict

18:28 – Catastrophizing and control

19:13 – Why anxiety feels protective

23:14 – Childhood roles: good child, peacemaker, achiever

26:25 – Waiting until you're angry to speak

29:12 – Why your partner isn't the whole cause

30:07 – Shutdown as self-protection, not punishment

31:05 – Why insight doesn't change behavior

33:11 – Reframing hard conversations

36:16 – How family freezes you in old identities

37:35 – Why growth feels threatening

38:05 – Holding competing emotions about parents

39:22 – Letting go of old identities

40:05 – Why growth feels risky, not empowering

41:18 – What actually reduces procrastination

42:09 – Questions to ask yourself about avoidance

44:58 – Pay attention to what you avoid

45:26 – What avoidance is protecting
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck despite insight, avoid hard conversations, or keep postponing the things that matter most to you.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In Episode 9, Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant dynamics, communicating with partners who shut down, chronic self-doubt and perfectionism, and navigating a relationship when one or both partners are struggling with depression.

This episode explores what it actually means to move toward secure attachment, why avoidant partners disengage during future-oriented conversations, and when communication tools stop being enough. Kim also unpacks the roots of lifelong self-doubt, how self-criticism becomes tied to worth, and why letting go of perfection can feel terrifying but necessary. The final segment offers grounded guidance for couples navigating depression together without losing themselves or each other.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Communicating with avoidant partners
• Self-doubt and confidence
• Relationships and depression

02:00 – Faith in yourself explained (without religion)
03:10 – Fear vs doubt and why fear blocks change
05:05 – Why belief in change matters before action
06:40 – CBT basics: thoughts, feelings, behaviors
08:35 – Identifying core beliefs and inner dialogue
10:20 – Taking accountability for change

11:30 – Question 1: Communicating with avoidant partners
13:05 – Anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant dynamics
15:10 – Why anxious partners get labeled as the problem
17:30 – Emotional shutdown and childhood origins
19:45 – Why anxious and avoidant partners attract each other
22:30 – Independence vs emotional unavailability
24:40 – Where attachment patterns are formed
27:10 – Why communication feels one-sided
29:30 – Soft startups, timing, and asking for consent to talk
31:45 – Putting responsibility back on the avoidant partner
34:10 – When communication tools stop working
36:30 – Values, emotional needs, and secure attachment
38:45 – When it may be time to walk away
41:20 – Sampling behavior to predict the future

43:10 – Question 2: Self-doubt, confidence, and perfectionism
45:05 – How self-criticism becomes tied to worth
47:40 – Childhood roots of self-doubt
50:10 – Why self-blame once served a purpose
52:35 – Separating past conditioning from present reality
55:20 – Attributing success without self-punishment
58:10 – Letting go of people who mistreat you
01:01:00 – Tolerating loneliness during growth
01:03:45 – Making mistakes on purpose
01:06:10 – Learning to take life more lightly

01:09:00 – Question 3: Navigating depression as a couple
01:10:40 – Why dual depression adds strain
01:12:30 – Therapy, medication, and evaluation basics
01:15:10 – Genetics, trauma, and self-acceptance
01:18:00 – Day-to-day functioning and division of labor
01:20:30 – Supporting each other without enabling
01:23:15 – Empathy, communication, and shared responsibility
01:26:10 – Using CBT to manage depressive thinking

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This episode is especially relevant if you're questioning whether communication is enough, struggling with self-worth, or trying to hold a relationship together while managing mental health challenges.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In Episode 8, Kim answers listener questions about trauma bonds, abusive relationship cycles, repeated infidelity, and navigating boundaries with family members after postpartum harm.

This episode looks closely at why "sudden change" can feel untrustworthy, how remorse differs from temporary improvement, and why love alone is not enough to repair long-standing harm. Kim also breaks down trauma bonding in plain language and explains why people stay in relationships that continue to hurt them, even when they know better intellectually.

The final section focuses on in-law boundaries, postpartum vulnerability, and how to get a peacemaking partner on board when accountability threatens family harmony.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Abusive partner claiming sudden change
• Repeated cheating and false reconciliation cycles
• Postpartum boundary violations with in-laws

01:27 – What trauma bonds are and how they form
02:25 – Reward and punishment cycles in abusive relationships
03:23 – Power imbalance, conditioning, and familiarity with harm
03:57 – Why people return after leaving abusive partners
04:20 – Why consistent kindness can feel "boring" or unsafe

06:00 – Question 1: "My abusive partner says he's changed, but it feels fake"
07:38 – What "fake progress" often signals
08:27 – Psychiatry vs therapy and limits of medication alone
09:45 – Why years of abuse don't resolve in a few sessions
10:41 – Medication as stabilization vs real healing
11:39 – What genuine repair actually requires
12:07 – The role of couples therapy and trauma-informed work
12:58 – Safety, boundaries, and rebuilding self-advocacy
13:48 – How to define measurable signs of real change
15:04 – Why five therapy sessions is not enough
16:11 – Apology, accountability, and empathy as non-negotiables
17:38 – When love becomes endurance instead of care

19:02 – Question 2: Repeated cheating, devastation, and reunion cycles
20:16 – Why repeated betrayal points to deeper issues
20:46 – What true remorse looks like
21:07 – How to assess the quality of an apology
22:26 – Common patterns behind infidelity
23:45 – Cheating as coping, rebellion, or avoidance
24:37 – Trauma bonds and why leaving feels impossible
26:25 – The "rescuer" role and saving dynamics
27:37 – Supporting someone without sacrificing yourself
28:30 – Receiving care and challenging worthiness beliefs
29:39 – When patterns won't change without real work

30:34 – Question 3: Postpartum harm, resentment, and in-law boundaries
31:28 – Healthy vs toxic resentment explained
32:31 – Lowering the pedestal and grieving lost trust
33:29 – Peacemakers, people-pleasing, and boundary collapse
34:25 – Why boundaries must be specific, not vague
35:38 – Testing alignment with your partner
36:40 – Empathy as the key to shared boundaries
38:17 – Examining your partner's "math" around harm
39:26 – Repair vs boundaries with parents and in-laws
40:10 – When to stop pursuing reconciliation
40:53 – Role-playing boundaries before conflict happens
41:52 – Helping a peacemaking partner build empathy

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This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck between leaving and hoping, or if you're questioning whether change is real or simply temporary relief.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

Episode 7 dives deep into attachment dynamics, shutdown, commitment anxiety, and the hidden costs of people-pleasing. Kim answers listener questions about anxious–avoidant relationships, silent treatment, marriage timelines, and the martyr complex, with a focus on responsibility, boundaries, and realistic decision-making.

This episode is for anyone who feels stuck chasing clarity, carrying more than their share, or waiting for someone else to change.

Topics include attachment theory explained simply, why anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other, how stonewalling differs from the silent treatment, and how martyrdom quietly erodes self-respect and relationships.

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Time Stamps

00:00 – Listener questions: shutdown in conflict, marriage pressure, martyr complex
01:00 – What attachment theory actually explains
02:10 – The four attachment styles and how they form
04:18 – How attachment styles show up in adult relationships
08:34 – Why people mislabel themselves as "secure"
10:00 – Moving past attachment labels toward secure functioning

10:29 – Why anxious and avoidant partners find each other
12:02 – Anxious–avoidant conflict and chronic shutdown
13:23 – Stonewalling vs the silent treatment (Gottman framework)
14:44 – Why breaks longer than 24 hours cause harm
16:49 – How anxious partners unintentionally reinforce shutdown
18:00 – When you've done all you can and nothing changes
20:29 – Deciding what you can live with

23:25 – Marriage timelines and commitment resistance
25:23 – "If you loved me, you would…" and weak arguments
27:21 – Fear, attachment, and self-sabotage around commitment
29:56 – The risk of forcing readiness
31:55 – Resentment as the real long-term threat

33:35 – What a martyr complex really is
36:17 – How suffering becomes tied to worth
38:28 – Faulty "martyr math" and unmet expectations
40:29 – Martyrdom, trauma, and low self-esteem
42:14 – Why misery feels safer than happiness
43:43 – Challenging beliefs and learning to say no
46:17 – Resentment, manipulation, and people-pleasing
47:59 – Closing reflections and community resources

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If this episode resonates, consider sharing it with someone who feels stuck in the same patterns.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In Episode 6, Kim is joined by relationship coach Mason O'Sullivan to answer listener questions about empathy, emotional support, grief, and long-standing self-sabotage patterns.

This episode focuses on one of the most common breakdowns in relationships: trying to fix emotions instead of understanding them. Kim and Mason unpack why empathy is not agreement, why problem-solving too fast makes partners feel alone, and how learning to sit with discomfort can change the entire tone of a relationship.

The conversation also explores how to show up for someone who is grieving when you feel awkward or unsure what to do, and how to begin untangling self-sabotaging behaviors that have been in place for years, especially when disability, shame, or past mistakes are involved.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Struggling to empathize instead of fixing
• Supporting someone who is grieving or sad
• Long-term self-sabotage and accountability

01:00 – Introduction to Mason O'Sullivan and his coaching background
02:30 – Why people seek coaching and therapy
03:35 – Creating safe spaces for vulnerability
04:30 – Finding your voice, identity, and boundaries
06:05 – What authenticity actually means
07:25 – People-pleasing and not knowing your needs

08:57 – Question 1: "I don't know how to empathize if I can't fix it"
10:23 – The urge to problem-solve and prove value
11:26 – Empathy vs sympathy explained
12:33 – Why solutions often miss the point
13:36 – Guessing needs vs asking directly
14:50 – Role play: what not to do
16:22 – Why reassurance can still feel invalidating
17:44 – Role play: responding with empathy
19:36 – Paraphrasing emotions and checking understanding
21:02 – Empathy is not agreement
22:30 – How validation opens the door to repair
24:09 – When and how to move into solutions

25:42 – Question 2: Supporting someone who is grieving or sad
26:35 – Awkwardness, nervous laughter, and discomfort
27:45 – Why grief is hard to sit with
28:21 – Letting someone lead with what they need
29:14 – Holding space instead of fixing
30:10 – Why silence can be supportive
31:10 – Grief, avoidance, and freezing time
32:42 – Talking through grief as healing
34:11 – Exploring your relationship with sadness

36:10 – Question 3: Breaking a decade of self-sabotage
37:41 – Disability vs avoidance as a coping strategy
39:13 – Realistic goals and self-assessment
40:08 – Self-fulfilling prophecies and sabotage
41:31 – Choice, agency, and accountability
42:22 – Core beliefs and self-worth
43:34 – Forgiveness, mistakes, and lovability
45:24 – Awareness as the first interruption
46:03 – Self-sabotage as predictability and protection
47:25 – Leaving before being left
48:37 – Encouragement and counting progress

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This episode is especially helpful if you've been told you're "bad at empathy," feel helpless around grief, or recognize patterns of self-sabotage you're ready to change.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict.

This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others.

Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the go-between, understanding micro-violence and triggers in couples conflict, and learning how to tolerate disappointment in others without collapsing into guilt or self-abandonment.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Managing estranged family relationships
• Boundaries in romantic relationships and micro-violence
• People-pleasing and guilt

00:39 – Why boundaries are a people pleaser's worst nightmare
01:13 – The subconscious purpose of not setting boundaries
01:36 – How people-pleasing keeps peace and avoids abandonment
02:05 – Why new behaviors must outweigh old coping strategies
02:35 – Core beliefs that block boundary-setting
03:00 – Guilt, conditioning, and fear of punishment
03:25 – Assertiveness vs deeper self-worth beliefs

03:57 – Knowing what you want before setting boundaries
04:22 – Resentment as a boundary litmus test
05:02 – How resentment poisons relationships over time

05:56 – Question 1: Being stuck between estranged family members
06:44 – The role of the middle person and hidden costs
07:08 – Deciding your limits as a go-between
07:50 – Why it's not your job to repair others' relationships
08:15 – Identity, value, and being needed
08:51 – Unfinished business and personal resentment
09:44 – Letting adults carry their own accountability
10:30 – Practicing and enforcing family boundaries

11:05 – Question 2: Boundaries and micro-violence in a relationship
11:30 – Focusing on triggers instead of rules
12:23 – Projections vs transference in conflict
13:15 – Childhood patterns and learned communication
13:57 – Empathy as the antidote to escalation
14:54 – Unprocessed trauma and volatility

15:48 – Question 3: People-pleasing and guilt after setting boundaries
16:44 – Why guilt assumes others don't care about you
17:29 – Learning to tolerate disappointment
17:53 – Challenging irrational inner dialogue
18:43 – Fear of rejection and early abandonment
19:38 – Re-orienting to the present instead of childhood fear
20:28 – Receiving love without earning it
21:43 – Letting evidence of support rewire old beliefs
22:13 – Why boundaries feel harder before they feel easier

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This episode is especially relevant if you struggle with guilt after saying no, feel responsible for keeping the peace, or notice resentment building in your relationships.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast