Andy and Greg head back to school… art school, that is. In this episode, Greg shares his wild ride through metal sculpting, finger-welding, and an intro-to-oil-painting class taught by a barely-awake instructor. From making a fish out of scrap metal to navigating toxic paints and art-class chaos, they cover it all—with plenty of laughs (and a few bandages) along the way. Grab your smock (or your mom’s blouse) and join us for another hilarious trip to the suburbs!

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After 35 years of marriage, Greg has finally learned that guessing gifts before unwrapping them is not a love language. Even when he means well, his psychic present-sleuthing sucks the joy out of the moment. To help, he’s turned to acting classes—because pretending to be surprised is apparently a skill.

Elsewhere in suburbia:

– Greg’s double-shot vaccine appointment turns into a tequila-scented CVS horror show.

– Jennifer pays the HOA fee on time—but not a moment sooner.

– A well-intentioned meeting at the bank with his sister ends in tears… and puke.

Acting skills help, but you won’t need them to enjoy Season 3, Episode 59 of Welcome to the Suburbs.

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When Greg’s dad was alive, he was an endless source of rants. Checking in with him was like uncorking a genie of angst—30 minutes of pure frustration directed at everything from junk mail to the cost of mulch to the absurd volume of acorns. In this episode of Welcome to the Suburbs, we start with one of his classic rants—this time about Hulu.

Meanwhile, Andy shares the one minor detail he forgot before his wedding: getting legally divorced. Turns out, being emotionally divorced isn’t enough for the Indiana judicial system. Who knew?

The guys also dive into the grandparent naming debate. Greg thinks kids should choose naturally. Andy’s mom, however, insisted on being called Grandma-Ma—because apparently, she thought she was in The Sound of Music. Speaking of which, Greg would rather watch almost anything else—including movies that don’t even exist yet.

Inspired by a book from Greg’s daughter, the guys compare their top 10 movies and music albums. Andy’s take on Greg’s list? “You sound like a toddler.” And Greg’s music taste? “Basically Dave Matthews’ Greatest Hits with a couple of Zeppelin tracks to throw me off.”

Andy also just went to a vinyl record show, where the entire place smelled like a mix of old cigarettes, weed, and Grandma’s attic. He even passed on one album because it reeked so badly. Greg wondered if it was a stop smoking album—maybe the original owner didn’t even finish it before the cigarettes took them out.

What made Andy’s top 10? What’s Greg’s actual worst movie of all time? And what’s the deal with kids and weird grandparent names? Tune in to Episode 58 for all this and more!

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Greg and Andy are back in the studio for Episode 57, and things are already off the rails.

Greg and Keely are on Day 3 of a six-day grandparent experiment, babysitting their three-year-old granddaughter—and let’s just say it’s not going smoothly for Greg.

Greg, in an effort to be the fun grandpa, has reduced his granddaughter to tears multiple times—all thanks to a toy cell phone and a deep commitment to realism. He’d pretend to answer the phone, then rattle off his Social Security number, PIN, and grandmother’s maiden name before looking at her and saying:

“But she didn’t order a John Deere 700 series tractor with port and starboard attachments. Did you?”

Cue: 10 minutes of uncontrollable sobbing.

Keely laughed—until she didn’t.

“Grandpa, you’re scaring her.”

Lesson learned: Know your audience. Also, check your credit report after spending a night at Meemaw and Grandpa’s house.

Kidneys, Weddings & Questionable Life Choices

Meanwhile, their daughter Carly is off in Mexico, stying hair an event. Her husband, Matt, tagged along because, well, it’s Mexico. And he’s always wanted to wake up in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney.

Andy then takes the conversation in an entirely different direction: Jennifer’s wedding dress shopping adventure.

Somehow, it devolved into a My Little Pony-themed birthday party for grown women.

Long story short, Prosecco-fueled giggles led to a wedding dress that Jennifer absolutely did NOT want.

Was it bedazzled, and rainbow colored? Greg asked.

Can alterations fix a bridal regret? Maybe. But step one: Put the champagne flute down before swiping the credit card.

Britney Spears, Katy Perry & Andy’s Unwanted Pop Culture Knowledge

Turns out Andy just finished reading a book about Britney Spears. Greg, however, was subjected to an unrequested crash course in Britney’s life when Jennifer’s trashy tabloid magazine arrived in the mail.

Andy, clearly proud of his newfound knowledge, keeps dropping facts like he personally wrote her Wikipedia page.

“You should read her book,” Andy suggests, sincerely.

“NO.” Greg’s response is instant.

“How about Katy Perry?”

“Still no.”

If Greg ever reads a Britney Spears memoir, it’ll be because he’s a highly accomplished man with absolutely nothing left to do.

Final take a way from this episode, if Greg’s granddaughter opens a line of credit in his name next week, at least he’ll know she definitely didn’t order a John Deere 700 series tractor with port and starboard attachments from a toy phone.

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Here’s a shocker: The wife of a Wisconsin kayaker who faked his own drowning to abandon his family and run off to Eastern Europe is now filing for divorce. Didn’t see that coming, did you? Episode 56 of Welcome to the Suburbs takes a deep dive into Ryan Borgwardt’s ridiculous escape attempt, how authorities tracked him down, and why guys like this make our job easy.

If this is your first time listening, don’t be fooled into thinking we’re a True Crime podcast. No, we just prefer making fun of dumb criminals over solving cases.

But that’s just the beginning…

• Rosslyn Retreat Needs a Jingle – Andy is determined to get Greg to write lyrics for their Airbnb, promising that national recording artist Jimi Ryser will craft the melody. Andy is convinced that once guests hear it, they’ll extend their stay. Greg points out that their first guest asked for two extensions. Andy asks, “Extension cords?” Greg responds, “Yes. She wanted to fake her own death by hanging herself in the bathroom.” Welcome to hospitality. Andy asked if their insurance covered that? Greg said, only liability. If I' there encouraging her to jump, we're covered

Should Greg and Keely Buy a Lake House to Airbnb? – Andy suggests they rent a backhoe and dig their own lake. You know I used a backhoe for my summer job landscaping Eagle Creek Golf Course. At that point the conversation goes off the rails as Greg reveals the other employees were ex-cons from the Haughville neighborhood in Indianapolis. The college kid got his education from former felons.

Every Friday after they were paid, they’d cash their check and drink. After recovering from a crushed pelvis, the result of losing control of a backhoe after drinking, Jim, one of the Haughville gang, got into a knife fight at a party and cut his finger off. His Haughville brethren rushed him to the hospital where it was reattached. As they left the hospital Jim realized it was early enough to go back to the party to finish the fight. “Hold my finger. I’m gunna kick his ass.”

• Fast Food & Worm Burgers – Andy asks Greg if he ever worked in fast food. Nope. But Greg’s brother Tom worked at Wendy’s when the “ground worms in the burgers” rumor was at its peak. This launches Greg into a wild story about worm hunting in Huntsville, Alabama, where his ex-girlfriend’s dad showed him how to summon giant gray worms by banging on the ground near rotten logs. Andy, horrified, asks, “Big like snakes?” Greg, unimpressed, responds, “Snakes come in different sizes. That’s like asking, how long is a ball of string?”
• Speaking of Snakes… – A python in Florida was caught eating a white-tailed deer. Greg wonders if the snake was incredibly fast or just had the reflexes of a center fielder. Either way, Florida stays undefeated in the “What the Hell is Happening” department.
• Turkey Neck Gravy & Andy’s Nausea – When Andy finds out Greg once made gravy out of turkey neck meat, his stomach turns. What was the occasion? What’s Greg’s secret recipe for neck meat gravy? Only one way to find out.

Join us for Episode 56 of Welcome to The Suburbs—where fake deaths, felon wisdom, and fast food horror stories collide!

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Greg kicks off the episode with a sigh of relief: "Life is good—no one’s spilled my bodily fluids over any parking lots." But that doesn't mean he’s not stirring up some suburban chaos.

First up, Greg embraces his new role as "trailer guy"—but vows never to be that trailer guy stranded on the roadside without a spare tire. Andy points out that some boat owners don’t even think to bring a spare, leading to Greg’s latest revelation: "If you can drop 200K on a boat, maybe spring for the extra tire."

Traffic woes continue as Greg finds himself stuck behind the worst kind of suburban drivers—the ones who create their own lanes. Instead of sitting idly by, he takes matters into his own hands, pulling his 4-Runner and utility trailer onto the shoulder to block them. Andy dubs it "setting a pick." Greg takes it a step further: "I did set a pick, but he rolled, and no one picked him up. So he drove to the hoop."

Meanwhile, Rosslyn Retreat still needs a theme song. Andy suggests recruiting Jimi Ryser. Greg envisions a motion-activated musical greeting—"except guests would think they were walking into a raid."

The duo then reminisces about a recording session with Flo & Eddie of The Turtles, where backing vocals weren’t the only thing getting smoked. Andy reveals the session ended with a stand full of roaches—prompting Greg to compare it to today’s potent morning commutes: "A Graphix Bong couldn’t even handle that!"

And finally, Greg recounts another lake house sibling saga—this time involving a kayak, winter storage, and the potential for petty revenge. Will he cut it into pieces and leave it in the bathroom? Or will a wind-up kayak in the toilet suffice?

To wrap it all up, they dive into a series of faking death fails—from a botched Indy plane crash to a televangelist’s tragic aviation misadventure. Because if you’re going to fake your death, maybe don’t do it in a way that could actually kill you.

Join Greg and Andy for another round of suburban absurdity, where traffic justice, family drama, and bizarre life choices all collide!

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Are you a Disney family? NO, was Greg’s answer. Disney apologists say, it’s not an amusement park. You’re right! It’s not amusing. The sidewalks are narrow, food is bad. The rides suck. Greg’s favorite part? Leaving. How did the kids feel? Grace liked the Mini ears. You can buy those online after going to an Amusement park.

Did you know Ruth’s Chris has a dress code?

If you were thinking about wearing “pool attire” think again as Andy found out when they arrived for dinner one night. He had to take to water wings back to the car.

What happens when an escape artist is frozen in a block of ice? They get him out by carving him into a bowl of fruit.

So many questions about the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame! First and foremost, How did the Bangles get in before Jimmy Buffet and Foreigner? Shiny objects win over quality. Judged on the body of work? Do you mean catalog or the other kind?

Jimmy Buffet sang about the sun and the surf and ironically did of skin cancer. That’s when Greg showed Andy a wound on his forearm. There’s some skin cancer now.

Greg, I showed the resident a pink place on my arm and he hit it with liquid nitrogen to the point I thought it was a test of pain tolerance. I ended up with a giant blister. Keely said, you need to get that looked at. I said, that’s what happens when you get it looked at. Later, it popped when she brushed against it. She got blister juice on her.

Say good night Gracie. I’ll take your freaky shit, but I draw the line at blister juice.

So many questions. So many funny answers on Season 3 Episode 54 of Welcome to the Suburbs.

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In Season 2, Episode 53 of Welcome to the Suburbs, Andy kicks things off with a pressing question: “What’s your favorite part of shopping at Costco?” Greg’s response? “Leaving!” It’s crowded, people block aisles chatting like they’re at a dinner party, and he’s convinced Prosecco on tap and a string quartet are next.

So, what did Greg actually buy? Milk, eggs, and… a natural gas generator. Andy chimes in with, “Some people eat lunch there. Hot dogs are a dollar! I’ll even grab snow tires while I’m at it.” Meanwhile, Keely and Grace turn grocery shopping into a mother-daughter date, savoring flavored coffee samples and bakery treats at Fresh Market—because apparently, it’s a trip to France without the plane ticket.

When Keely asks Greg about his childhood breakfast, he reveals it was grapefruit with sugar on top. “The citrus was healthy,” he explains, “but the sugar made me shake so much my second-grade teacher thought I was afraid of her.” Andy jokes, “Arm me with a hammer and feed me Sugar Smacks, and I could take down a concrete driveway!” Greg adds, “You could fell a 300-year-old oak with a serrated knife.”

Andy talks about sugary cereals being the only treat in his house growing up, likely because his parents didn’t know the sugar and chemicals were slowly killing them.

Keely, on the other hand, is the type to pop into Walmart Neighborhood Grocery for a single ingredient. “They make it sound all folksy, but it’s just a brainwashing tactic,” Greg says. “No one knows how to use the self-checkout, and half the people would kill you over a can of beans.”

Finally, Greg asks about Andy’s “fancy basement” (or as Andy corrects him, the “lower level”). Greg, ever the connoisseur, points out the connotation difference. Andy clarifies, “Aldi is the basement of groceries compared to Costco. The meat’s frozen, the brands are off, and you have to rent the shopping cart.”

We’re diving deep into grocery store culture in this episode of Welcome to the Suburbs.

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