In this episode Leslie and Julie dive into the complex topic of intent and its role in destructive relationships. They explore the distinction between deeply selfish actions and those stemming from misguided theology, mental or physical illness, or past traumas. The discussion highlights whether intent should influence how we process harm and respond within our marriages, even when unintentional damage occurs.

Key Points:

• Intent vs. Impact:

  • The importance of recognizing that even unintentional actions can cause significant harm.
  • The need for restitution and justice regardless of intent.

• Forgiveness and Amends:

  • The balance between forgiveness and the necessity for repair and restitution.

• Addressing Harm in Marriage:

  • The importance of acknowledging and addressing the harm caused, even if unintentional.
  • The role of genuine repentance and changed behavior in rebuilding trust.

• When to Stop Bringing Up Past Hurts:

  • The necessity of ongoing conversation and understanding the victim's perspective.
  • The difference between genuine repentance and dismissing the victim's feelings.

• Trust and Safety in Relationships:

  • The critical role of trust and safety in maintaining a healthy marriage.
  • Examples of irreparable breaches of trust, such as adultery or financial deceit.

• Mental Illness and Responsibility:

  • The balance between compassion for mental illness and maintaining personal boundaries.

• Sacrificial Suffering and Boundaries:

  • The distinction between noble sacrifices and enabling harmful behavior.
  • The importance of not sacrificing one's well-being to enable another's worst behavior.

• Recognizing True Change:

  • Identifying genuine changes in behavior and heart versus superficial compliance.
  • The importance of mutual care and respect in a truly healthy relationship.

Listener Takeaways:

• Self-Worth and Dignity:

  • Understanding that a partner's indifference or cruelty is a reflection of their character, not your worth.
  • Embracing your value as an individual and image bearer of God.

• Living in Reality:

  • The power of facing the truth about your relationship for making informed decisions.
  • The importance of personal growth and becoming your best self.

Resources:

• Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

RESOURCES: JOIN HERE: Moving Beyond Insecurity Coaching Week Day One Journal App Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That?

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

In this episode, Julie talks to Kay, a woman who adopted children later in life and dealt with a very destructive marriage. She knew from the beginning there were issues, but chose to try and make it work anyway. Learn from her mistakes and listen to the hope she has to offer. Early Signs and Struggles: Kay recounts the lack of red flags during courtship, the first major incident on their honeymoon, and the initial discovery of her husband's infidelity. Julie and Kay discuss the shock and embarrassment Kay felt upon discovering these betrayals.

Cycles of Abuse and Financial Instability: Kay describes the cycles of destructive behavior, the impact of her husband's work-related stress on their family life, and his inability to maintain steady employment. She also shares her experience of financial abuse and a pivotal event in her marriage.

Turning Points and Seeking Help: The critical moment Kay found Leslie Vernick's book, "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage," which provided hope and clarity. Kay's decision to make significant changes for the well-being of her children and herself.

Filing for Divorce and Health Challenges: Kay recounts the moment her husband revealed his troubling mindset, believing it was a wife's duty to endure abuse and die. Shortly after filing for divorce, Kay was diagnosed with breast cancer and decided to keep it private for her own safety and her children's well-being.

Rebuilding and Moving Forward: Kay reflects on her journey to safety, securing legal protection and custody rights, and the relief of a stable life for her children. She expresses gratitude for her friends' support and the strength she found through faith and community.

Final Thoughts and Hope for the Future: Kay shares her commitment to teaching her children the value of truth and self-respect. She offers advice to women in similar situations: Be honest with yourself, seek support, and prioritize your well-being and safety.

Key Takeaways:

• Over-functioning in a marriage can mask deeper issues of abuse and inequality.
• Financial abuse can take many forms, including minimal contribution and control over household expenses.
• Journaling and honest reflection are crucial in understanding and addressing abuse.
• Supportive communities and honest friendships are invaluable in navigating and recovering from destructive relationships.
• Practical and realistic interpretations of scripture can provide clarity and strength in challenging times.

RESOURCES: Quick Start Guide - www.leslievernick.com/start Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Leslie sits down with Assistant District Attorney and Adjunct Professor, Molly Catherine Goodson to explore the intersection of faith, justice, and abuse. Molly Catherine shares personal journey and professional insights, discussing how her faith sustains her in this high-stakes role. She provides practical advice for victims of abuse, highlights the church's role in supporting and protecting them, and emphasizes the importance of empowering women within the church community. Note: Molly Catherine is not representing the state of North Carolina in this episode.

• Balancing a High-Stress Job and Personal Faith: Molly Catherine discusses how her faith helps her manage the stress and high stakes of her career, sharing the importance of worship music and the powerful prayer from her pastor that helps her stay grounded.

• Maintaining Faith Amidst Evil: Leslie and Molly Catherine explore the challenge of maintaining faith in God's goodness despite witnessing daily evils, emphasizing the importance of viewing circumstances through the lens of God's character.

• Biblical vs. Legal Justice: A discussion on the differences between biblical justice and legal justice, explaining that while Jesus takes on our sins, earthly actions still have consequences.

• Forgiveness and Consequences: Addressing common misconceptions in churches that forgiveness erases consequences, stressing that actions have consequences and forgiveness does not negate the need for justice.

• Empowering Women: Encouraging women to learn essential life skills to become less dependent on their abusers, highlighting the empowering effect of managing finances, household tasks, and other responsibilities.

• Church Support for Victims: Practical ways churches can support victims of abuse, such as knowing local resources, helping with logistics, and offering emotional support. Emphasizing the church's role in ensuring the safety and well-being of individuals over maintaining relationships at all costs.

• Hope and Redemption: Molly Catherine shares a hopeful story of a victim of sexual abuse within a church community and how proper support and handling of the case led to justice and healing.

RESOURCES:

Leslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start

If you'd like to ask a question for a future "Ask Leslie" episode, go to www.leslievernick.com/askleslie Questions in this episode:

• Doesn’t there have to be infidelity, domestic violence or abandonment as a reason for divorce?

• 8:51 What does it mean to detach and can I detach from my husband who shows contempt for me and dismisses my feelings and needs
• 23:56 How is empathy different from people pleasing?
• 27:47 What is a narcissist and how do we appropriately use this term?
• 37:33 What does chronic indifference look like in a relationship?

RESOURCES: www.leslievernick.com

Quick Start Guide

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1. Marital Challenges:

   • Rachel describes her passiveness in her marriage, emphasizing the tension between maintaining peace at home and the public persona she had to project.
   • She recounts instances of emotional and verbal abuse from her husband, including public humiliations and controlling behaviors.

2. Custody Battle and Legal Struggles:

   • Rachel talks about the difficult decisions she had to make regarding her children’s well-being and her work-life balance.
   • She details her harrowing experiences with the legal system during her divorce and custody battle, highlighting the allegations and the temporary loss of contact with her children.

3. Health and Recovery:

   • Rachel discusses the impact of stress on her health, leading to hospital visits and a brief institutionalization.
   • She shares her journey towards healing, emphasizing the role of her faith and community support in overcoming her challenges.

4. Empowerment and Advice:

   • Rachel reflects on the lessons learned from her struggles, discussing the importance of recognizing one's worth and the potential dangers of staying in destructive relationships.
   • She offers advice to listeners who might be in similar situations, encouraging them to seek help and prioritize their safety and mental health.

5. New Beginnings and Continued Challenges:

   • Rachel discusses the ongoing challenges of co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner and the strategies she employs to maintain stability for her children.
   • She explores the emotional impact of her journey on her relationship with her children.

6. Spiritual Growth and Personal Insights:

   • Rachel shares how her understanding of biblical teachings on marriage and divorce evolved, highlighting how new interpretations helped her find freedom from oppression.
   • She discusses the role of her faith community and resources like the Conquer program in providing support and validation during her recovery.

RESOURCES:

• Dr. Alison Cook
• I Shouldn't Feel This Way
• "The Best of You" Podcast
• Lesllie's Quick Start Guide

I. Story: Understanding Emotional Triggers A. Example of anger towards adult child B. Framing emotions: Is it about the other person, oneself, God, or circumstances? C. Importance of recognizing the source of emotions

II. Three Practices for Emotional Health A. Naming Emotions 1. Recognizing and labeling feelings without judgment 2. Importance of self-awareness and emotional vocabulary

B. Framing Emotions 1. Understanding the context and underlying causes of emotions 2. Examining personal responsibility and perspective

C. Braving Action 1. Taking intentional steps based on emotional understanding 2. Balancing discernment and action in response to emotions

III. Selfhood and Agency in Relationships A. Acknowledging personal needs and boundaries B. Exploring societal and Christian expectations for women C. Embracing selfhood as essential for healthy relationships

IV. Recognizing Self-Gaslighting A. Identifying invalidation of personal experiences B. Cultivating self-trust and authenticity C. Partnering with God's discernment in navigating emotions

V. Benefits for Spiritual and Psychological Growth A. Integration of faith and psychology in emotional healing B. Understanding the role of emotions and the body in spiritual life C. Tools for self-compassion and emotional resilience

This episode delves into practical strategies for emotional discernment, emphasizing self-awareness, framing emotions, and taking intentional action. It highlights the importance of embracing selfhood and offers tools for self-compassion and growth, regardless of one's spiritual beliefs.

RESOURCES www.leslievernick.com Suicide and crisis hotline: 988

• Challenges in Recognizing Unsafe Relationships

  • Dismissing Own Feelings and Needs
  • Fear of Confronting Truth About Relationship Dynamics

• Addressing Misguided Advice

  • Forgiveness and Forgetting
    • Importance of Remembering Past Actions for Setting Boundaries
    • Illustration: Story of the Songwriter Behind "Amazing Grace"
    • Understanding Need for Repentance and Growth
  • Maintenance vs. Repair Work in Relationships
    • Analogy: House Maintenance and Repair
    • Necessity of Addressing Trust and Safety Issues Before Other Issues
    • Recognizing Difference Between Maintenance Tasks and Repair Work

• Understanding Individual Capacity and Emotional Management

  • Importance of Self-Awareness in Managing Emotions
  • Recognizing Emotional Capacity and Limitations
  • Analogies: Understanding Emotional Capacity Through Everyday Examples

• Taking Ownership of Personal Growth

  • Individual Responsibility for Personal Development
  • Importance of Prioritizing Self-Care and Emotional Well-Being
  • Recognizing When Individual Work is Necessary Before Addressing Relationship Issues

• Seeking Help and Support

  • Encouragement to Seek Professional Guidance and Support
  • Highlighting Available Resources for Personal Growth and Relationship Support
  • Empowerment to Prioritize Personal Growth and Safety in Relationships

Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care

1. Introduction to Boundaries

• Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and self-respect.
• Understanding the importance of boundaries in various aspects of life.

2. Recognizing Boundary Violations

• Signs of boundary violations include feeling drained, disrespected, or overwhelmed.
• Identifying situations where boundaries are being crossed and acknowledging the need for change.

3. Establishing Boundaries

• The importance of clear communication when setting boundaries.
• Examples of effective boundary-setting phrases

4. Dealing with Criticism

• Addressing criticism that may arise when implementing boundaries.
• Seeking support from understanding individuals who respect your journey.

5. Respecting Yourself

• Embracing self-respect and understanding that boundaries are not selfish but necessary for personal growth.
• Recognizing and valuing your uniqueness and individual needs.

6. Knowing Yourself

• The importance of self-awareness in establishing and maintaining boundaries.
• Understanding your preferences, limitations, and values to make informed decisions.