This episode is the third and final session with Leigh and Pierre whose nearly 5-year-old daughter Jean has big emotional reactions. Leslie explores how her big emotions and reactions part of a bigger picture of anxiety, perfectionism, and discomfort with vulnerability - things so many children struggle with. And it's no surprise that Leigh and Pierre have their own history and journeys with anxiety and vulnerability. Leslie talks about ways to manage anxiety in the day to day as well as in heightened emotional states for both parents and children. Leslie also recommends teaching mindfulness at an early age because you can’t “control” those big emotional reactions in your child but with mindfulness, you can control how you and your child respond to them.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 Step one when facing challenging situations - make a list, visualize it, and carry it with you. “Take anxiety with you when you travel” metaphorically.
• When you get new information from an evaluation
• 9:53 Strategies to use when your child is having really big reactions
  • Using a change in temperature to help calm your child
• 11:25 Teach your child the TIPP Skills from DIalectic Behavior Therapy - TIPP Skill
• 12:25 When do you teach the skills to your child
• 13:28 How do we know if somethings not working - what does success look like when you're teaching skills to your child
• 15:20 Mindful awareness of anxiety/discomfort
  • Observe and describe
  • Choose what you want to be mindful to
  • Radical Acceptance: “it is what it is”
  • Self-talk and Encouragement
• 19:27 Teaching mindfulness to our even if there’s nothing wrong - expose them to the concept of mindfulness at an early age so they can grow into - use it the word itself
• 21:55 Mindfulness exercises as a family connection and togetherness
• 24:30 Dealing with your child’s big reactions in public - be compassionate with yourself
• 26:37 The Power of Vulnerability - Learning to deal with the discomfort of the moment
• 28:32 What a child needs from their parent

Resources:

• “Packing Anxiety with You” video
• Victor Frankle Quote with Image:
• Leslie’s Handout on Breathing Mindfulness Exercises
• Video Bubble Bounce! Mindfulness for Children - a practical video to teach and practice your mindfulness skills
• "The Diving Reflex" video demonstrating one of the TIPP Skills - T: temperature change activating the diving reflex to help you calm down
• Handout explaining TIPP Skills from Dialectic Behavior Therapy

Leslie-ism: Take a breath, take a pause and pay attention to what happens.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and

This episode is part two of a three part series with Leigh and Pierre who have two daughters, Jean, almost 5 years old and Nina, 2 years old. This episode explores two very common parenting patterns: we want our children to fit in, and we don’t want our children to suffer in ways we may have suffered. And yet, trying to force those things causes a different kind of suffering. Leigh and Pierre also seek to gain understanding of what they describe as Jean’s “controlling behavior”. Leslie supports Leigh and Pierre to understand the controlling behavior from the perspective of identifying its causes and function. These behaviors may be relatable for many families especially as it relates to anxiety.

Time Stamps

• 3:15 When parents replace the pressure to be like a “normal kid” with giving themselves permission to “not worry” or to accept who their child is
• 3:55 Wanting the best for your child and what that means
• 5:45 What it means when your child is a people pleaser
• 9:35 Children who are “observers”are actively learning an
• 11:10 Assessing what is a child’s behavior of shutting down communicating
• I may not be ready
• I maybe be overstimulated
• There may be too much going on
• I don’t know what is expected of me
• I don’t like what is expected of me
• 13:50 The fear of what will happen to my child as an adult
• 15:15 Defining exposure work to teach children that they are capable of handling uncomfortable situations
• 17:10 Assessing why some children will NOT try something new or shutdown
• Afraid of being watched
• Perfectionism - I have to do it well or I don’t want to do it at all
• Not feeling safe
• Feeling like she is not in control
• 20:05 How to give a child a sense of personal control
• 25:35 When making travel plans - Use paper and pencil to make it concrete
• List what things will be fun and easy
• List what things will be challenging and hard
• Remember to add a space for unknowns and surprises that may happen
• 31:31 What skills you can use if your child is in emotion mind - See the TIPP skills in show notes
• Cold compress, cold air
• Intense exercise
• Parents talking quietly so your child has to listen
• Parents talking about something that will catch your child’s attention

Resources:

• TIPP SKILLS HANDOUT when your child is in emotion mind - and they cannot use other skills past their skills breakdown point
• Articles explaining exposure therapy for children:
  • Facing Fears: How exposure therapy can help children with Anxiety
  • Exposure Therapy: Definition, Types, Approaches and More

Leslie-ism: Try to let go of who you think your child should be, so they can grow into their best self.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and par

This is part one of a three-part series with parents Leigh and Pierre. Leigh is from the US and Pierre is from France, and they moved their family from France to the states one year ago. They have two children - almost 5 yr old Jean and 2 year old Nina. However, they came to Leslie to talk about Jean who is not speaking outside of her immediate family. Over time, Leigh and Pierre have heard the diagnosis “selective mutism” and have made changes accordingly, but they’re still struggling with what they should do. In this episode Leslie walks Leigh and Pierre through an assessment of why a child might be selectively speaking. While there are lots of causes, they mostly boil down to vulnerability. Is Jean stressing about her learning two languages at once? Struggling with perfectionism? Or Is she not feeling safe when she’s out in the world? We ask these questions and many more in this session

Time Stamps

• Selective Mutism
• Parents explain how they’re reacting to their child’s struggles
• When parents can relate to their struggles - is there a genetic component
• Developing an avoidant behavior: the child speaks when they feel safe
• Confidence, safety, willingness: 3 important things, without them child is left feeling vulnerable
• Talk about what perfectionism looks like in kids and adults. Perfectionism and its relationship to anxiety
• Practice being vulnerable - the problem with avoiding or suppressing those uncomfortable emotions. Some kids gravitate to only wanting to experience the pleasant emotions
• Practice learning to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation
• Indirect ways to support:
  • Letting child use nonverbal and indirect communication (and validating it)
  • When you’re with other people, practice talking (not to them, but around them)
  • Tell them “can you give yourself practice making a mistake”

Resources:

• The podcast Well, Hello Anxiety with Dr Jodi Richardson episode on selective mutism
• Other resources on selective mutism

Leslie-ism: What is the loud and clear message you may be sending to your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.

About our guests:

Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness.

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant

Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Is My Child a Monster? S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury

Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us to respect people for who they are

Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.

Timestamps:

• 1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other
• 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”
• 12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”
• 16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective
• 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean
  • It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’s
  • Give compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment
  • Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.

Time Stamps

• 5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or society
  • It’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painful
  • It’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”
  • If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s fault
  • It’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy
• 7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle
• 7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad.
  • Use the phrase: That’s your version, this is my version.
• 10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives
• 11:15 Molly added the expression: Don’t yuk someone else’s yum
• 14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety
• 16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety
• 18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)
• 19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itself
  • Suppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a hole
  • Get into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"
• 21:55 Modeling for your children
• willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.
• Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:

• Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Video of The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts:
  • Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness
  • Myths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations. In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship. In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.

Time Stamps

• 3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more
• 4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust
• 5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment
• 5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment
• 6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down
  • Worry and stress about kids getting along
  • Desire to do things right causes us stress
• 9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset
• 11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy
• 11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.
• 12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.
• 13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:
  • You can say “Is that working for you”
  • come in with a neutral non-judgmental stance
  • You can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle”
  • You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”
• 19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right
• 21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior
• 26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it
  • One minute check in
  • Expect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting
  • Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:

• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person’s Behavior

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This episode is part two of three sessions with parents Molly and Alastair. Last week Leslie focused on the sibling dynamics between their daughters, 8-year-old Elizabeth and 4-year-old Katherine. This week we focus on a different kind of dynamic: the power struggle. In the fight for power between child and parent, Leslie offers an alternative: stop struggling for power and put an end to the power struggles. In this episode Leslie discusses identifying the problem behind the struggle, what the problem really is, whose problem is it, and learning to ask: can we try that again?

Time Stamps:

• 5:02 Whose problem is it? Is it the child’s problem or is it the parent’s problem
• 7:07 Definition of power struggle
• 8:15 What happens if the parent give in
• 9:52 Example of sibling rivalry and how parents reinforce the escalation
• Strategies to deal with power struggles
  • 12:02 Say that you need a moment (to get into wise mind)
  • 12:39 Engage your child in the problem solving process
  • 12:54 Do a pros and cons
  • 13:34 Notice and name what’s going on
  • 14:12 Use the phrase “try it again”
• 15:20 How to give the problem back to your child
• 19:39 Go below the surface - Restate child’s blaming statement into naming the underlying emotion
• 23:10 Parenting using “try it again” between the parents
• 27:31 If I had the superpower of mindreading - add levity to a situation and tapping into your child’s imagination
• 27:40 Mindreading is known as a problematic thinking problem
• 28:23 Again - give the problem back to your child
• 30:05 Stop and acknowledge when your child gets through a struggle - reinforce that they did it!!
• 32:21 How to gain some distance and perspective on past experiences so you don’t end up re-experiencing
• 35:20 Naming the dialectic dilemma and identifying priorities
• 36:10 Understanding how to find a synthesis as a solution to a dialectic dilemma

Resources:

• Handout titled: Whose Problem is it?
• Handout on choosing between power over, power under and personal power belief system

Leslie-ism: When you don’t like a Child’s response use the phrase “Try Again”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part one of the three part series with Molly and Alastair. These parents have 2 children who are very different. Elizabeth is 8 years old and is an easy going kid. Katherine is a high energy 4 year old with intense emotions and more challenging behaviors. While the parents originally reached out to Leslie for help with their youngest, this episode ended up focusing a little more on their eldest. How exactly can a parent make sure they’re still there for a child when they don’t need literal support? Turns out children may not need the same level of support but they do need the same level of connection. Leslie also discusses sibling dynamics, the myth of the “oldest sibling,” mom guilt, and more.

Time Stamps

• 8:30 Birth order traits - the oldest daughter who feels responsible for the younger sibling
• 8:44 Pet peeve when parents say “YOU are the big sister” Or “you should act like the big sister”
• Tuning into our children - leads to strong attachments
• Observing our children help children feel like their parents see them and understand them
• 12:55 Name the dilemmas - you want to take care of your sister AND you want to play with your own friends
• 15:11 Metaphor of needing to go shopping, but prioritizing which store you can make it to today vs next shopping trip (drugstore, shoe store and grocery store)
• 15:48 There is a difference between what’s important to you and what’s the priority of the moment
• 22:07 She may not need the same level of support, but she does need the same level of connection.
• 25:22 The child coming from a secure, safe and validating environment is more prepared to cope with life challenges
• 28:10 Mom’s narrative - I was the capable one
• 29:00 How to reassure and support Elizabeth (the “easy” child)
• Create a tool box:
  • 29:33 Notice and name her behavior
  • 29:47 Get rid of narrative of “you are the older sister or the big sister”
  • 30:45 Validate the hard parts
  • 35:00 If I had a magic wand
• 31:36 What happens when the parent grew up with a sibling with disabilities
• 33:36 Save the stories of your childhood when its not in the moment of emotional upset
• 36:01 The metaphor of instruments in an orchestra - treating each musical instrument differently
• 38:21 Whose problem is it?
• 39:24 Myth - it's not ok for others to be upset with me. (mom still struggles with this)

Resources:

• Newsletter on myths that may be guiding your parenting that you may want to question, titled " Have you Outgrown your Childhood Beliefs?
• Video: Dilemma Metaphor on how to deal with conflicting needs or wants
• Video: Orchestra Metaphor on how need to treat each instrument differently and with respect

Leslie-ism: Remember to use “if I had a magic wand”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,