Today’s is a special episode focusing on sibling dynamics. We take a break from our typical therapy sessions to talk to Leslie’s 34-year-old twins, Dale and Carrie. Together they share in an open and honest conversation the challenges of being themselves and being in relationship with each other. Dale had intense emotions and challenging behaviors as a kid, and doesn’t understand how Carrie didn’t hate her, or at the very least resent her. Carrie was easy going and flexible, and she grew up wondering if there was something wrong with her. In this dialogue we look at how complex sibling relationships can be. What happens when one sibling has higher needs than the other? How do parents balance the needs of each child when helping one can actually hurt the other? Hear what Dale and Carrie reveal about the evolution of their relationship not just as siblings, but as twins, from childhood to adulthood.

About our guests:

Dale Rubury is excited to be back on Is My Child A Monster? as she was a producer and special guest in Season 1. After graduating from college with a degree in Zoology, Dale moved to warmer climates to pursue a career with animals. She worked at the largest primate sanctuary in North America for 7 years before moving on to a different career path. For the past few years, she has been in the world of construction where she was building yurts and working for Habitat for Humanity. Dale is currently enrolled in a graduate program to become a Physical Therapy Assistant. Dale is proud to say that she has a healthy relationship with her anxiety.

Carrie's passion for exploring humanity, in all its messiness and wonder, has driven her career. Her career has led her across the globe, working in Latin America and Africa, and across various industries, from public relations and restaurants to leadership development and healthcare. Carrie continued to follow her curiosity about how people change and grow into graduate school to earn her MSW. Carrie is currently working as a clinical social worker in a community practice in upstate New York. She lives with her husband and dog, Lou. Outside of work, she is likely cooking with friends or adventuring in some wilderness.

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel Significant

Leslei’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of Belonging

Is My Child a Monster? S1 Ep 14 The Apology Episode with Special Guest Dale Rubury

Leslie’s video of the Orchestra Metaphor which teaches us to respect people for who they are

Leslie-ism: All children need to feel like unique individuals and also need to feel like they belong.

Timestamps:

• 1:53 The metaphor of a mobile: a family systems perspective where all family members impact each other
• 10:17 For the low needs child you can explain that “It's hard being [the sibling with anxiety], and it's hard being you”
• 12:26 Holding the dialectic dilemma: “I love her and am also angry at her”
• 16:30 The empathy issue for children - when a child is young and struggling, they may not be able to understand the other person’s perspective
• 17:47 Give the problem back to the child who is being mean
  • It’s Dale’s problem, not Carrie’s
  • Give compassion to the child who is struggling in the moment
  • Connect to the child who is the “victim”

This is the second half of the final session with Molly and Alastair. Their kids, Katherine (4) and Elizabeth (8), are benefitting from the changes that their parents are making at home. As parents we want quick behavior fixes, but let’s not underestimate the power and impact that modeling behavior has on children. Molly and Alastair are no different. Leslie’s focus on the parents helped them realize that anxiety exists in the family—from the grandparents, to the parents, to the children themselves. Together, they face these generational patterns head-on. It’s often surprising how anxiety can fly under the radar for everyone in a family, but it’s a significant factor in raising kids, so how can we better identify it and, more importantly, learn to manage it.

Time Stamps

• 5:25 Myth are mistaken beliefs that we may have learns from childhood or society
  • It’s not ok to experience the natural consequences because its too painful
  • It’s my responsibility to make sure everything goes “right”
  • If something goes wrong, someone is going to be blamed. It has to be someone’s fault
  • It’s your job to make sure everyone has to be happy
• 7:03 Generational anxiety - stop the cycle
• 7:55 Dichotomous thinking of seeing things as right or wrong, good or bad.
  • Use the phrase: That’s your version, this is my version.
• 10:20 Find another interpretation skill - to teach that there are other perspectives
• 11:15 Molly added the expression: Don’t yuk someone else’s yum
• 14:55 Wanting everything to go right is a way of expressing anxiety
• 16:10 Compassion is an effective way of dealing with one’s anxiety
• 18:10 Preparing our children to handle the uncomfortable situations (see The coping skills toolbox for Anxiety in show notes below)
• 19:50 Various ways that Anxiety presents itself
  • Suppress it, avoid, procrastinate, go into a hole
  • Get into a frenzy, ruminating, making sure everything is “right"
• 21:55 Modeling for your children
• willingness to be vulnerable and willingness to be uncomfortable.
• Choose your long term value as a guide for the dialectic dilemmas

Resources:

• Handout on The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Video of The Coping Skills Toolbox for Anxiety
• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Handouts:
  • Myths that get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness
  • Myths about Emotions

Leslie-ism: Teach different perspectives by saying, “that's your version and this is my version”.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and

Today’s episode is the third session with Molly and Alastair where things take a turn inward. Molly and Alastair first contacted Leslie to get help with their two daughters, 8 year old Elizabeth and 4 year old Catherine but in the process began to face their own struggles with their belief systems and expectations. In addition, in this session Molly and Alastair face the complexities of family communication and interactions. This episode throws a spotlight on the delicate dance of respecting different parenting styles. Leslie shares strategies to increase effective communication in their relationship. In this heart-to-heart conversation you are bound to feel a shift in their perspective and possibly a shift in your own perspective as well.

Time Stamps

• 3:00 When the parents “gives more” the child ends up cooperating more
• 4:30 Connection = mutual respect = trust
• 5:03 Refocusing from the “end goal” to the present moment
• 5:17 Children remind us to be in the present moment
• 6:50 As a parent your battery gets worn down
  • Worry and stress about kids getting along
  • Desire to do things right causes us stress
• 9:50 Parents avoidance to letting the child get upset
• 11:30 Generational myth to make sure everyone is happy
• 11:50 Kids relax when parents aren’t constantly trying to fix them.
• 12:30 Parents are learning to get used to when the kids are upset with each other or with you.
• 13:25 When the second parent steps in to the interaction between a parent and a child. Ways to step in:
  • You can say “Is that working for you”
  • come in with a neutral non-judgmental stance
  • You can say “I notice there is a bit of a struggle”
  • You can say “Can I be of help to either of you?”
• 19:30 Doing things the right way and letting go of wanting to be right
• 21:08 Find the positive intention of another person’s behavior
• 26:05 Accurate communication: Put words to those chaotic moments - Narrate it
  • One minute check in
  • Expect and accept the bumps and rough spots in parenting
  • Molly’s idea of naming the “unicorn parent” who is the parent on point

Resources:

• Handout on When Being Right is not Effective: How dichotomous thinking can be problematic.
• Handout on Seeing the Positive Intention of Another Person’s Behavior

Leslie-ism: When you want to step in, pause and ask your partner, “is there anything I can do to help?”

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.