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Unboxing It with Lara and Rowan

Unboxing It with Lara and Rowan

Auteur(s): Lara Wellman
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 Lara Wellman and Rowan Jetté Knox are here to unpack all the topics that have us feeling confused, that keep us feeling small or stuck in shame, and that stop us from thriving as our authentic selves.

unboxingit.substack.comLara Wellman and Rowan Jetté Knox Sciences sociales
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  • 18: Expectations

    18: Expectations
    Sep 2 2025
    “If I was a good person, I would—”“If you cared about me, you would—”“As adults, we should—”“In the workplace, we need to—”Um, says who?Like it or not, enumerable expectations are built into the fabric of society. What we expect of ourselves and others plays a profound role in shaping our relationship to the world and those around us. But who came up with these social rules, anyway? And why do we follow them? Are they fair? Do the expectations we’ve come to believe in improve our lives or do they create unnecessary anxiety, resentment or disappointment? In this week’s episode, we dig into why we have these sets of rules and guidelines, which ones to keep and which ones we might want joyfully yeet into the sun.If we missed some big ones, let us know! We’d love to do a follow-up episode. (Complaining about expectations is one of Rowan’s favourite activities on account of getting old.)Want more of Lara and Rowan?Rowan is available for speaking engagements, and Lara has coaching spots available.TranscriptLara: I think there's the part where. We think about what expectations have been put on us and how we want to deal with it and what we can and can't change in the moment.But the other part is what expectations have you put on other people and how is that impacting their lives? And how is it impacting your life? Welcome to unboxing it. I'm Lara.[00:00:43] Rowan: And I'm Rowan.[00:00:44] Lara: And today we're gonna talk about a thing that I decided to make a good topic when listening to somebody else's podcast. and you know, I don't even remember what they said in the podcast, but what I really got out of it is that people have a lot of expectations about their life.What it's gonna look like, what people are supposed to do, what would make you a good parent? What would make you a good friend? Like there's a lot of things that people have decided are very much the right thing to do, and now. That is just the expectation, and I think expectations can be good, but a lot of time they can be really a good way to set yourself up for disappointment and frustration, and also to set yourself up to go down paths that you don't need to go down.I would agree as somebody who held myself to what I thought were the expectations of society. Placed upon me to the point where it was like, I know I'm not a girl. But society tells me that I'm a girl, so I guess I have to be a girl. Okay. And now I have to, have to fall in love with and marry a man.And okay, what does that mean? I guess I have to find a man that I can be attracted to. 'cause I wasn't attracted to men.Mm-hmm.[00:02:08] Rowan: And it just kind of went on from there. Right. And so, spent a long time in my life trying to align. What I was doing with what I thought everybody else wanted and and that's an incredibly destructive thing.Unhelpful and doesn't really serve a purpose other than to perhaps make other people more comfortable.[00:02:33] Lara: Yes. I mean, this comes around to the whole. Thing that I believe, which is a lot of what we are taught to expect and to want and how we're supposed to do life is really designed to make some people happy and content right?Like when we follow the rules and do what they want, they have the life and society they want, and we never really spent any time thinking about what we wanted and choosing for ourselves.[00:03:02] Rowan: I think it goes back to childhood where, you know, even really early, like, and I don't wanna get stuck on like gender or sexual orientation.Like there's so many expectations that we place on ourselves and others all, all throughout society. But a really easy one for me is. You know, when I had my son, my first son, and I would bring him around, and even when he was a baby, people were like, there'd be another baby.I would say a little girl around. I was like, oh, do you have a little girlfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? You know, or like, he'd come home from school and, you know, somebody, you know, a neighbor , would see him and, you know, might say something like, oh, any girls that you like, you know, so the expectation was.He is supposed to enter a relationship with a girl. He's supposed to find girls attractive. It's like drilled into him from a really early age. As it turns out, he does find girls attractive, but what if he didn't? And that was the expectation. You know, , and he's being told that that is something that he's supposed to feel that he's supposed to do, right?Like, oh, do you have a little girlfriend? Oh, maybe you'll get married one day. You know? And it's like, so now the expectation is you find a girl and then you get married to her, and it just goes on from there. Like, when are you having children? When, not if. Do you want children or anything along those lines?When are you two planning on having kids? It just grows out. , It's this constant assumption that we all want a specific life.[00:04:38] Lara: Yeah. And that they talk to your baby and ...
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    35 min
  • 17: On the differences in all of our brains

    17: On the differences in all of our brains
    Aug 26 2025
    Growing up, we were largely taught there was a “normal” way of thinking, and that anything outside of that was weird and rare. In this week’s episode, we’re pushing back on that outdated narrative. From the way we see colour to the way we feel when music plays, everyone’s brain has unique qualities - so why does society push us to think and see the world the same way as everyone else?Lara discusses having aphantasia (the inability to form or use visuals in one’s head) and Rowan has a form of synesthesia (where the stimulation of one sense involuntarily ignites another). And the more we’ve talked to others about the way our brains work, the more we’ve realized everyone has a quirk or two in their own grey matter, whether they’ve been aware of it or not.It’s a fascinating topic, and we’d love to hear how you think your brain is different from other people’s. Drop us a line and let us know!(Also: Curious to know if you have aphantasia? This chart will help you figure it out. Rowan is a 1. Lara is a 5.)Want more of Lara and Rowan?Rowan is available for speaking engagements, and Lara has coaching spots available.Links:Lara wrote an article about her Aphantasia for the Aphantasia Network.Episode 10: Education doesn't always have to look the sameTranscript(Please note, these are not carefully edited and there may be some errors)[00:00:00] Lara: When you understand that other people's brains are processing information differently, then you can at least think, oh.This person is thinking differently, not this person is being obtuse, not this person is trying to be confrontational, not this person is just being silly. Hi everybody. Welcome back to unboxing it. I'm Lara.[00:00:44] Rowan: And I'm Rowan.[00:00:46] Lara: And today we are gonna talk about something that I think is fascinating. If you gave me the chance to talk about this, most of the time, I would gladly take it because I think it's so interesting and so fascinating and I just love. The human experience , in talking about it this way.[00:01:07] Rowan: We're all dying to know what it is.[00:01:09] Lara: I know, right?it is really about brains and how they're all different. And I think that we grew up thinking that most of us are the same. Right. That in general, the way we think, the way we see the world, the way we process things, that they are the same for most of us.[00:01:31] Rowan: Yeah, that there's like a normal[00:01:34] Lara: and that even that we think we know what that normal is like. Just like, oh, everybody is like this, and number one, it's not true. Brains are different in so many different ways, and when we accept that. And we believe that we can stop feeling like we aren't measuring up to this normal that we believe we're supposed to be.[00:02:00] Rowan: Yeah. This idea that having a brain that doesn't work like other people's brains in some capacity is somehow a flaw Is unfortunate and. In some cases when brains work differently, that can be a real strength.[00:02:20] Lara: It can, I totally agree. And I think, you know, this becomes a bigger conversation that we're having more and more in recent years because.There are more and more people who are being diagnosed with ADHD and autism. Both of those are a spectrum. So now you have people who range all through the spectrum talking about their experiences and not trying. To be okay all the time, but instead saying, Hey, this is actually how I think instead of believing, you have to force yourself into what you think is normal.And so there's all these conversations happening and I love that because I think it's important.[00:02:59] Rowan: I think it can be really validating for people to receive a diagnosis, especially in adulthood because a lot of us were. Different in some capacity when we were younger and often being different in that way meant that we struggled to fit in maybe socially or to do well academically in the conventional school system, which we have talked about at length already in another episode, we have.Made it so that if you are different, if your brain is different, that means that life has to accommodate that difference. And I actually do very strongly believe in accommodations. I do believe that. But the reason why I think, and this is I think a greater discussion, I'd love to hear other people's views on this, but I Am neurodivergent myself. I know a lot of neurodivergent people and neurodivergent simply means that your brain doesn't work in a neurotypical way, if you will. That baseline normal, and I'm using air quotes here, I think the reason why. We have to be accommodated as neurodivergent people as much as we do is because society operates in this way where everybody's brain is supposed to work the same way.So it just comes back to that messaging and if we accept it that there are these. Differences and that these differences are a part of life, a part of humanity, a part of evolution, perhaps. I mean, I don't know. I'm not a ...
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    41 min
  • 16: How "you can do anything" turned into "you must do everything"

    16: How "you can do anything" turned into "you must do everything"
    Aug 19 2025
    Ever feel like a failure? It’s not your fault. As so often happens, society has taken something empowering and turned it into something toxic.Life often feels really heavy and like we have to do too much or risk not being enough. Over the years, the positive belief that “you can do anything you set your mind to” has morphed into the burden of “you HAVE to do everything or risk personal failure.” This belief can lead to lower self-esteem, anxiety, depression and burnout.In the episode of Unboxing It, we talk about division of labour, how women are still responsible for most of the domestic labour (ugh), how men are also being pushed to always do more - and there’s a little bit about Indian food in there too for good measure.Links and resources related to this episode:Research article : Couples’ Perceptions of the Division of Household and Child Care Tasks: Are there Differences between Sociodemographic Groups?Episode 10: Education doesn’t always have to look the sameEpisode 4: Resting isn’t lazyMeet the Tiffin Lady Want more of Lara and Rowan?Rowan is available for speaking engagements, and Lara has coaching spots available.Transcript[00:00:00] Lara: Doing everything is exhausting, doing everything when you said burnout before, because stopped taking care of ourselves. We're just taking care of everything else and everyone else, and that's not really a happy life for most people. Hey, welcome to another episode of Unboxing It. I am Rowan.And I'm Lara.[00:00:43] Rowan: And we have got a really interesting topic, I think today. This, came off the wall in your office, right, Lara?[00:00:53] Lara: That's right. I've got a big list of topics that we've been collecting so that we can keep, having these weekly conversations that everybody gets to listen to.[00:01:02] Rowan: Yeah, my problem is that I will come up with one and if I don't text you about it right away, I forget about it, I completely just goes in one side of my brain and like out the other side of my brain. Is that, is that a thing? I think that's must be in one ear and out the other, but you know what I mean?[00:01:17] Lara: It works all the ways.[00:01:18] Rowan: So our topic this time is. When do we go from, you can do anything. You can be anything that you want to be. You can do anything you want to do to, you have to do everything and you have to be good at it.[00:01:39] Lara: And. You can do anything was new. I think when we were kids, like that wasn't a thing.Our parents and the generations before were even told you can do anything. They're like you, need to get a job and support your family and. Stop dreaming. Big life isn't like that. And then we started telling people they could do whatever they wanted, which I think in some ways was great. But also in some ways has led us down this path that we're gonna talk about with the need to do everything.[00:02:10] Rowan: Yeah, I think back in the day I love saying back in the day, and every time I say back in the day, I'm older than the last time I said it, which makes me so happy. we're Gen X. So like, you know, back in the, boomer years or back further, you know, you had people who were told, yeah, your purpose is you are going to grow up and you're going to help on the farm, and then you're going to take over that farm, for example.That was the case. In agriculture for a really long time. The expectation was you would probably do what your parents do, and in other situations it was you're going to do what your family expects of you. So it would be, you know, you're gonna go become a doctor, you're gonna go be a teacher, and then women were further limited.You're going to stay home and raise children, or you're going to get very limited schooling. And so this is why things really started to change over time when feminism became more prominent. Women especially we're then told You can be anything you want to be, but. I think the problem has been you can be anything you want to be, but you still have to be all those other things too.[00:03:19] Lara: Yeah. So now we opened up. Beyond teacher, nurse, and secretary.[00:03:26] Rowan: Yes. Teacher, nurse, secretary, mother is what women were allowed to do.[00:03:30] Lara: Yeah,[00:03:30] Rowan: that was pretty much it. Oh, phone operator sometimes that sort of secretary[00:03:34] Lara: There you go, phone operator.[00:03:35] Rowan: Yeah.[00:03:35] Lara: And so now you can be anything you wanna be, and if you think back to the way things used to be, but this is even before we experienced, I think it's like the men.Went to work. You wanna be a company man, right? Like the goal is to work somewhere till you get your gold watch. 'cause you spent 30, 40, 50 years working there and then you retire. And , the men, theoretically didn't need to worry much about how the home ran. And then women started.Going out and doing more things and getting more degrees and having the same kinds of jobs as men, and then who is gonna take care of the ...
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    41 min
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