In this deeply empathetic episode of Widow Pod, host Dr. Liza Barrows Lane—a social work professor, grief researcher, and young widow—dives into the overwhelming pain of the earliest days after a traumatic loss, like premature widowhood. Drawing from her own experience of losing her husband Brent to a drowning accident at age 36, Dr. Lane explores how grief shatters routines, triggers emotional dysregulation, and layers horror onto heartache. She reassures listeners that this raw intensity is normal but temporary, likening it to "having a child without an epidural—painful as hell, but you'll get through it."

Key topics include:

• The unique challenges of traumatic loss and premature widowhood, where everyday reminders (like showering or grocery shopping) become existential crises.
• Emotional dysregulation: Feeling everything and nothing at once, with uncontrollable sobs, numbness, or lashing out.
• The brain's attachment system in overdrive, scanning for the lost loved one and fueling loops of disbelief.
• Why avoidance can backfire long-term, and the importance of compassionate pain management to avoid compounding habits like overshopping or overeating.

Dr. Lane shares practical, evidence-based tools to manage overwhelming pain:

• Hand on Heart or Stomach: Place a hand on your chest/stomach, inhale slowly, and exhale while saying, "This hurts, and I'm here." Calms the vagus nerve for self-compassion.
• Riding the Wave (DBT Skill): Set a timer for 2-5 minutes to sit with a grief surge—breathe, cry, and let it rise and fall without panic.
• Gentle Touch: Cup your cheeks like comforting a child and say, "I'm here with you. You're not alone." Mimics maternal soothing to reduce isolation.
• Soft Textures: Wrap in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, or pet an animal to signal safety to your nervous system.
• Cool Down (TIPP): Hold ice or splash cold water on your face/forehead/neck to reset emotional overwhelm (consult a doctor if needed).
• Pain Scaling: Rate your pain on a 1-10 scale and ask why it's not higher, spotting exceptions to build hope.

Content Warning: Discussions of traumatic grief, sudden loss, and emotional overwhelm. Take care—pause or skip if needed.

Dr. Lane emphasizes survival as your only job: Rest like post-surgery, simplify life, and create small routines. Pain eases around 12 months with integration, but seek support if it remains jagged. Join the community: Share what helps you in the comments!

Listen if you're in early grief or supporting someone who is—this episode offers validation, hope, and actionable steps to endure the unendurable.

Are the five stages of grief a myth? If you've ever wondered why denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance don't fully capture your mourning experience, you're not alone. In this Grief 101 episode of Widow Pod, Dr. Liza Barros Lane unravels one of the most persistent grief myths: the idea that grief follows five predictable stages. Originally from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's 1969 book On Death and Dying—which focused on terminally ill patients facing their own death—this model has been misapplied to bereavement, leading many to feel like they're grieving "wrong."

Liza breaks down:

• The origins of Kübler-Ross’s five stages and why they weren't meant for grief after loss
• Why the "five stages of grief myth" persists and how it fails to explain the full mourning process
• What the latest grief research (including 2025 insights) reveals about real grief experiences.

What We Cover in This Episode

• The Origin and Misapplication of the Five Stages: Kübler-Ross described reactions to personal dying, not losing a loved one. Over time, it became a misunderstood "roadmap" for grief, but experts agree: grief is not linear.
• Why Grief Isn't Linear—And Why That's Not Enough: Simply saying "grief isn't linear" overlooks the deeper, research-backed processes. Grief is a full-body, identity-shaking journey rooted in attachment and love.
• Core Processes of Grief, Grounded in Research:
• Making Meaning (Sense of the Death): Processing how and why the loss happened—easier with expected deaths, excruciating with premature or traumatic ones.
• Relearning the World (Adjusting Without Your Person): Navigating practical, emotional, existential, and spiritual changes to daily life without them.
• Continuing Bonds: Maintaining a transformed, ongoing connection to the deceased, as supported by continuing bonds theory, for healing and comfort.
• Identity Reconstruction: Redefining your roles, routines, and sense of self (e.g., from partner to widow or solo parent).
• The Role of Attachment, Fear, and Nervous System Disruption: Grief starts with love; deep bonds lead to shattered safety, cortisol spikes, body-wide impacts (sleep, memory, digestion), and intense yearning or fear.
• Why Grief Affects Your Whole Being: Beyond emotions, it disrupts your body, hormones, and worldview—far more than a checklist of feelings.

This understanding debunks common grief myths, like the "stages of grief debunked" narrative, and offers practical insights for supporters and clinicians to recognize when extra help is needed.

Key Takeaway: Grief Doesn't Follow Steps—It's a Lifelong Journey

The five stages of grief is a myth that can make you feel invalid. Grief isn't a ladder, checklist, or finish line; it's a love-centered, non-linear process unique to everyone. There's no wrong way to grieve—only your way. As 2025 grief research confirms, focusing on these core processes helps you make sense of the chaos and find meaning.

If this episode helped debunk the stages of grief myth or rethink how to cope with grief, consider:

• Sharing it with someone searching for "understanding grief" or "coping with loss"
• Leaving a review to help others discover real grief support
• Following Widow Pod for more science-backed stories on young widowhood, grief myths, and healing

Until next time, be gentle with yourself—and with others. Listen now on your favorite platform and like and follow!

Content Note: This episode discusses traumatic loss, sudden death, and the emotional and physical symptoms of traumatic bereavement. If you’ve experienced a recent loss or are in a tender place, please take care while listening. You can pause, come back later, or skip entirely—your well-being matters most.

What happens when grief doesn’t just hurt—but unravels everything?

When my husband Brent drowned unexpectedly, I wasn’t just grieving his absence. I was reeling from how it happened—the shock, the terror, the disbelief. That kind of loss doesn’t just break your heart. It can break your sense of safety, your identity, and even your body’s ability to feel like your own.

In this episode, I share what I’ve learned as both a young widow and a grief researcher about traumatic bereavement—a term that describes what happens when the circumstances of a loss overwhelm your ability to process it. We talk about what makes a loss traumatic, how grief and trauma tangle together, and why so many young widows feel stuck in pain for longer than anyone expects.

We’ll explore:

• What traumatic bereavement is (and why it’s different from “normal” grief)
• The four core processes of mourning—and how trauma disrupts them
• The raw, often unspoken pain of yearning in acute grief
• How trauma symptoms like numbness, panic, or disbelief are common responses to devastating loss
• Ways to begin making sense of a loss that feels senseless
• Why self-compassion and trauma-informed care are essential for healing

This episode is for anyone living in the wreckage of a sudden, premature, or deeply painful loss. You are not broken—you’re grieving. And you are not alone.

Connect:

Instagram: @the_widowed_researcher

Website: The Young Widowhood Project

Keywords:young widowhood, grief, research, lived experience, support, mental health, podcast, loss, healing, community

Summary

In this episode, Dr. Liza Barros-Lane introduces the podcast focused on young widowhood, sharing her personal experience and the importance of research in understanding the complexities of grief. She emphasizes the need for lived experiences to help others navigate their own journeys and outlines the target audience for the podcast, including widows, their supporters, and mental health professionals. The conversation highlights the expectations listeners can have regarding candid discussions about grief, loss, and healing, while also acknowledging the unique experiences of each individual.

Takeaways

Dr. Liza Barros-Lane is a young widowhood researcher.

She became a widow at 36 when her husband went missing.

The podcast aims to provide information on what to expect in widowhood.

Acknowledging one's experience is crucial for processing grief.

The podcast is for widows, their supporters, and mental health professionals.

Listeners can expect raw and honest conversations about grief.

Widowhood experiences can vary greatly among individuals.

It's important to share community wisdom to navigate grief.

Healing is possible, even amidst ongoing pain.

The podcast aims to address the complexities of widowhood.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to WidowPod and Personal Journey

04:35 Target Audience: Who This Podcast is For

09:14 Navigating Grief: Hope and Healing

WidowPod: The Stories and Science of Young Widowhood is a podcast produced by The Young Widowhood Project.

Hosted by grief researcher Dr. Liza Barros-Lane, each episode explores the untold stories of young widowhood through research, lived experience, and clinical insight. Whether you're a young widow, a mental health professional, or someone navigating loss, WidowPod offers real conversations and research-backed tools for healing, identity reconstruction, and meaning-making after profound loss.

Follow Liza on Instagram and Facebook: @The_Widowed_Researcher